There's only one, and I read it during tonight's 10-minute homework session.

Read the whole thing, I promise that if you're a guy, you'll completely understand why.


HORATIO
(Sparknotes Horatio)
Really? I didn't hear it. So it's nearly the time when the ghost likes to appear.
Trumpets (Sparknotes trumpets) play offstage and two cannons (Sparknotes cannons) are fired.
HAMLET (Sparknotes Hamlet)
The king is staying up all night drinking and dancing. As he guzzles down his German wine, the musicians make a ruckus to celebrate his draining another cup.

Please allow me to demonstrate why this is excellent…

Observe:

Me: CHUG!
Trumpets: Ba-BAM!
Cannonballs: THOK!!!!!!!!!
Tucker Max: GODDAMNIT MY FUCKING NOSE IS STRAIGHT. HOW THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE GONNA REMEMBER ME NOW?!

or
Me: Beerbong!
Trumpets: BA-BOOM!
Cannonballs: KUL-PLOP
Tucker Max: That hit my anus so hard it felt good. Gimme some more. I'm Tucker Max and I like it in the ass. Gimme that dick again…that hard, black dick! Ohhhhh. OHHHHH. It hurts so good. Let's put on some music!!!
The Divinyls: I don't want
anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want
anybody else
Oh no, oh no, OH NO!
Tucker Max: What can I say, I LIKE THE DICK!

Somewhere offstage a booming voice beckons….
Me: I. told .y'all. so.

or

OR EVEN BETTER
Me: sip-sip-sip
Trumpets: (John Coltrane's Summertime)
Me: I plays the jazz chalice.
Cannonballs: PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARFH
Tucker Max: You…you hit me. I'm going to die…it appears as though people will now be forced to stop reading my contrived horseshit that I call “a brand new style.” I'm really just a hack! Oh noes! I've never made love to a woman! God, forgive me for my sinful lying! And Daddy, to you (I must say this before I die) I want to thank you for such a priviledged life. I never had to work, I eat caviar, I'm A NEW YORK BEST SELLING WRITER OMG!111ONEZ!!1! and really, all I had to do was suck your small Jewish cock every night from when I was 5 until I was 24.
It wasn't that bad. I actually like the taste of your jizz. The advertising executive I had to suck off to get on the internet…his cum tasted like cigars….ew! I didn't have to do that? Oh well. I guess I'm just a fag then. Oh me, I'm dying……..oh my. Daddy……. th…th…th…thank y-…..for the monnnnnnieeeeeeeeeee…I'm dead.
Death: Ah, this queer? Jesus. Okay…Well I'm off… Oh…and…good jazz chalice by the way. PAHHH!

Imagine having this ability. Everytime you finish a beer, a shot, or a chalice of wine, you not ONLY get fucking trumpets alerting the kingdom how badass you are, you get to randomly send out 2 death wishes. Or death deserveds, in some cases, as seen above.

So, if any of you trumpet players are also commonly considered as attractive females , feel free to stop by this weekend.

You can feel my throne…

It's my family's crest colors.

Yellow and brown.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.