You’re right that isn’t my picture.
The young woman in that picture is a common voice actress from the state of Wisconsin known only as “Lola”. I paid great sums for her picture and her background right before locking her up in my basement and feeding her nothing but cookies and cakes (I like my women with a little meat on ‘dem bones). I even use her voice when people call (800)-514-2884 asking for “Roxanne.” I keep the phone on loudspeaker and have “Lola,” or the real “Roxanne” read from prepared cue cards. The truth is that I, Beatrice M. Lopatka, look like the horrible, horrible beast from the future that I truly am.
The reason I look like such a horrible, rotten, foul blubbery substance, wrapped in stolen flesh is because I am the end result of a 20 person orgy gone awry. I am the PIC b-fugly orgy baby from the year 2015 (that means, technically, I am only -8 years old). I am 2 of 32- oh, excuse me- 34 children that were raise in the back of a neon green EconoVan. My mothers and fathers were never really there for me so I never learned the arts of street walking and the science behind the seduction of witchcraft. I could not compete with the grace, beauty, and gravity-defying breasts of tomorrow so I turned to the past where my parents were before the “incident.” Surely, I could have easier time winning over my parents by taking on another persona and using identity theft techniques found in many elementary school text around the world (in the year 2025, at least).
Here is a true, untouched photograph of my face.
Of course, I do want you to scroll down so you can read all that crap before being rewarded with the awesome beauty that is Beatrice M Lopatka.
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Whatever you do, you should stop scrolling this instant. Just ignore your curiosity this one time, and click the little x in the corner of the window. All it takes is one click to make the pain go away.
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OH GOD IT”S HIDEOUS! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN! I CAN’T SAVE YOU FROM YOUR OWN FOLLIES BUT TRUST ME ON THIS ONE GODDAMNIT!
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It’s not too late to turn off your computer and never return to this blog again. No, really, I’ll understand. I do not want you to burn your retinas looking at the monster I have blossomed into. Run away!
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Completely and utterly falsely,
Beatrice M. Lopatka
P.S. The 20 person orgy was made entirely out of past, present, and future PIC staff. That means, I’m merely doing this for the parental approval I will never receive in the neon green EconoVan that I will call ‘home.’ Why won’t you look at me Daddies? And why don’t Mommies hug me anymore?
Labels: Beatrice M. Lopatka, LiesLiesLiesLiesLies, orgies