There is a place below People Heaven. It’s called Pet Heaven*. Dogs, cats, bunnies, turtles, parakeets, gold fish, hamsters, boa constrictors and many other subservient animals may enter Pet Heaven when they die.

(Pictured: Dead Pets Leaving for Pet Heaven)

There are no collars, cages or tanks in Pet Heaven. Angels feed and clean up after your pets every day! There are sticks that throw themselves for the dogs; there are indestructible clear-plastic spheres for the rodents; and cats are allowed to visit Hell to torture souls with cat allergies.

Sounds like a great place for your pet, doesn’t it? Sadly, most pet owners don’t know how to secure their pet a special place in Pet Heaven. They may say something like, “If my pet does more good things than bad things, then God will probably let it into Pet Heaven.”

This type of thinking will only reserve your pet a spot in Pet Hell.

(Pictured: Dead Pets Leaving for Pet Hell)

The Bible says no pet is good enough to get into Pet Heaven. Every pet has sinned. Each pet has broken God’s commandments—not one pet is excepted.

However, your pet can escape eternal damnation and enter Pet Heaven if it repents all its sins and believes the gospel of Jesus Christ. In the Bible, God testifies Jesus died for your pet’s sins and was buried out back before rising from the dead on the third day to leave a small present on God’s doorstep. Your pet (especially ferrets) must believe this in order to be saved.

If your pet has not trusted Christ, then it is in a dangerous position. It may encounter the Pet Devil, which is a parrot that only knows blasphemous words. He will encourage bad pet behavior (i.e. a chameleon may refuse to change colors, a pony may stop being cute or a dog may seek lustful relations with large couch cushions).

Luckily, you can help your pet’s chances of entering Pet Heaven by having it Baptized. Depending on the size of your pet, you can do this in your sink, bathtub or outside with a hose. (Note: all water-based pets must be dried off with a white cloth before the Baptism to maintain purity). Dunk your pet under water to show it has died to the old life. Now pull your pet out of the water to show it the newness of a life where Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior.


(Pictured: Sloth Baptism)

It wouldn’t hurt to give your pet a treat (make sure they’re blessed by a priest first) as an extra incentive to have faith in the blood of Jesus Christ. Also, don’t be alarmed if your pet tries to scratch, bite or poison you during the Baptism. That’s just the Pet Devil fighting you for your pet’s soul.

Remember: Jesus waits with open arms for those pets that want life, but it’s up to pet owners to make a choice:

  1. Allow your pets to pursue the Pet Devil and the fleeting pleasures of sin; or,
  2. Humble your pet under the mighty hand of Jesus and let Him lift your pet into Pet Heaven when it dies.

Your pet’s salvation awaits!

*People Heaven and Pet Heaven are mutually exclusive. Although God permits people to visit Pet Heaven on special occasions, no pet can be brought back to People Heaven. If this commandment is breached, both dead pet and dead person will be cast down to their respective Hells.