This weekend, Met pitcher Tom Glavine won his 300th game, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th homerun and Giant left fielder Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron's career homerun record. But in the spirit of the true meaning of sports, all of those achievements took a back seat (in my mind, anyway) to the fact that Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp was attacked by the Mariner's mascot (a moose) yesterday. I don't care what records you break, few things in baseball ever top a good ole mascot attack.

One of my favorite ways to pass the time is seeing how hard it is to open doors marked “Do Not Enter” (note: it's not all that hard).

They will take away all of your liberties in the name of terror. Terror is a very ugly and scary word and it can take away all of your rights. You don't need freedom or privacy because you are terrorized. You are terrified of being terrorized so you just hand over all the power to the tyrannical. Oh, and to all those dumbass rednecks who say, “Warrantless wiretaps don't bother me because if you're not doing anything wrong, you ain't got nothing to worry about” I say, “What if the guys doing the wiretapping are doing something wrong?” This world is so fucked, it makes Jenna Jameson look like a virgin; this country is so stupid that I can easily comprehend the success of Subway's ad campaign with Jared. Man, I need a whole bunch of drinks.

A piece of important advice: when the sign says not to feed the bears, don't feed the fucking bears. Just trust me on that.

According to a study that some chick mentioned in an email to me, female college graduates are five times less likely to stay in abusive relationships than are female non-college graduates. You know what that means, fellas? That's right. If you want to get a woman you can beat relentlessly, stay out of your university's library. If I were you and I was looking for chicks I could abuse, I would check out my local strip clubs, dive bars, diners and 4H clubs, in that order. No need to thank me. I'm here to help.

In the past week, I have seen The Simpson's movie and read the new Harry Potter book. Clearly, I am mainstream.

You know, it's funny, we live in a world where Barry Bonds, Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Spears and Tom Cruise all receive in-depth media coverage and yet not one person interviewed me after I won the Florida spank-a-thon last Thursday. This country's priorities are out to lunch.

And finally, because logic and fluidity are spending all their time trying to take advantage of Florida's new Romeo and Juliet law, I leave you with the following, which was sent to me in an email from one of the lovely female PIC writers.

“I'm half Mexican. I could school you in abusive relationships.”

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