If I were Roger Clemens, this is what I would tell the media: “I used steroids. I used HGH. I used every method available to make my game the best and make hundreds of millions. And if the only punishment I get for doing so is the denial of a plaque on a wall in some po-dunk New York town then so fucking be it. I made millions, bitches. Millions. And I could give two fucks about your opinion on the subject because you can't play baseball and I can. And no hall, no matter how famous, can take that away from me, fuckers. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go bang my hot wife. Y'all feel free to write whatever you want.”

People with great minds talk about ideas. Those with mediocre minds talk about events. And those with small minds talk about other folks. Those with my mind, however, talk about cheese doodles. Which are delicious.

In Lauderhill, Florida a twelve year old boy recently beat a toddler to death with an aluminum baseball bat because she was crying while he was trying to watch television. Some would say that this news story is reflective of our sick society, but I would say that this could easily be the best advertisement ever for TIVO and DVRs. Pausing live television does more than preserve relationships: it can prevent murder.

In Sanibel Island, Florida, some dude with no medical training invented a machine that he believes kills cancerous cells. If it actually works, rumor has it that dude will be the most arrogant sumbitch in the world. Every time he gets overcharged or underserved in a restaurant, he'll be all like, “You know I'm the guy who cured cancer, right? This meal should be on the house. Unless you like cancer. Do you, buddy? Do you like the cancer?” If I cured cancer, I'd mention it to every chick I met. I'd be all casual about it. I'd say, “Hey, how would you like the guy who cured cancer to buy you a drink?” I mean, I'm pretty arrogant now, but with the cure for cancer under my belt, I'd be in-freaking-sufferable.

I had a great weekend. How was yours?

This weekend, a girl I know well who is trying to see if we are compatible enough for a relationship called me “amazing.” I thanked her and she replied that she didn't mean it in the good way. She meant that it is literally amazing that I possess the personality I do and have not yet attempted to alter it. I thanked her again. Then she sighed. And you thought your life was awesome.

Did you know you can get a ticket for standing on top of a stop sign? I thought I should have at least been commended for my amazing balance. But, as the officer informed me, no matter how well-balanced you are, trespassing on government property is not allowed. Fascists.

And finally, because logic and fluidity are busy washing the orange cheese doodle stains out of their clothes, I leave you with the following, which I overheard at the local pub and will be using as my go-to insult:

“You are a cluster fuck of a human being.”

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