How come Judge Judy never sentences anyone to death?

I went to the dentist yesterday, and I was talking to the receptionist. I mentioned how I make comedy videos with my friends. She said "oh God" and rolled her eyes. I laughed, kind of taken aback, and asked her what she meant. She said "you're not like jumping over curbs and stuff, are you?" WHAT? What the fuck is that? Who jumps over curbs? Who tapes themselves jumping over curbs? What does this mean? Who can't jump over a curb? Why would you jump over a curb? Why would that be comedy? Why do I look like someone who jumps over curbs and tapes myself doing this?

It's funny that they market beers like Coors Light as “cold.”

Last week, I went to my sister's wedding (I was the groom. ZING!…did I just ZING myself?). Anyways, after the reception I was hanging out in a hotel room with some of my sister's friends, some of whom I've never met before. One of the girls started taking pictures of me, looked me up and down, and said: "You're like the Justin Timberlake of our generation." Now I do work fervishly to bring sexy back, but this comment shocked me nonetheless. I do not get this compliment very often, you see. Plus, isn't Justin Timberlake the Justin Timberlake of our generation?

I think a midget swimming upstream would be the funniest thing ever. Or maybe a midget driving a Hummer, unable to even see over the steering wheel. I would pay to see these kinds of things.

An ex-girlfriend of mine recently got pregnant. This feels weird to me. It feels like somehow it's mine, even though that's not possible because of time constraints. But it still feels weird because of how young we are. Also, I have to think this is somehow related to all the celebrity pregnancies. Pregnancy is the hot thing right now. I even saw a fashion ad in GQ or Esquire where they had a pregnant women with her pregnant stomach fully exposed as one of the models. And it wasn't an ad for a line of clothing for pregnant people. Pregnancy had nothing to do with the clothing line. Now I'm not saying my ex-girlfriend's pregnancy is a result of hot trends or celebrities (it was probably a result of sex). But it does make you think. People like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan made it cool to go out and party. Now this is like the after-effect of that. Now it's cool to get pregnant, which is often a result of partying a little too hard, no? What's next? Will it be cool to go to rehab? Tons of celebrities are doing it. Will little girls develop a coke problem just so they can go to rehab?

If we got AIDS from monkeys, how come there aren't any monkeys with AIDS? Did monkeys find a cure for AIDS? Is it eating excessive amounts of bananas and throwing your feces?

I think there should be prostitutes that don't offer sex, but rather friendship. They have different rates for sleepovers and slumber parties, going with you to a movie, etc. "I'll be your friend for $50." "Best friend for $100." "I'll give you a heartjob for twenty bucks."