The relationship between and is not a pleasant one right now. The man with the keys to our little blogosphere here recently underwent surgery, and as a result, he's probably feeling somewhere between totally drugged and total shit, but that's not stopping me from posting. I'm gonna keep on keeping on like nothing went wrong. I put the snippets up yesterday, and next is this piece. I am nothing if not stubborn to the point of idiocy.

But I'm not gonna dedicate a whole lot of time and energy to a post that no one can see, so I figure it's time to make a brief list, grab some dinner, and get the hell out of here. Anyway, here is a top ten list of things any girl can say to turn me on ridiculously. If you're the kind of girl who's in to turning me on ridiculously, this post is right up your alley.

10. “Choke me.”
This is way more enjoyable that it sounds. And I know it sounds sick, but choking bitches is really a lot of fun. Man, there has to be a way to say that in a not-so-wife-beating sounding way. Let's try this way. Participating in erotic asphyxiation is as exhilarating as it is eye-pleasing.

Nope. Still twisted.

Anyway, just trust me on this. It's fun.

9. “I think my girlfriend wants to fuck us together.”
Uh, well, okay. Twist my arm.

8. “I just love sucking cock.”
I never believe this line. And I don't care.

7. “Piercing my clitoris was honestly like, the best decision I ever made.”
Now, this usually implies that the woman involved is dumb, but clit rings are great. They're like maps to clitoris and save you seven to thirty seconds of soul-crushing searching.

6. “Can I make you dinner?”

5. “Do you like to role play?”

4. “I hate wearing underwear.”
Oh God, yes.

3. “After the sex is over, I just want you to leave.”
Done and done.

2. “I love baseball.”
What can I say? I'm a weird guy.

1. “I just don't see why women get so emotionally attached to their fuck buddies.”
Neither do I.

Now, does it matter that most of these statements are bald-faced lies? Maybe a little. But I still like hearing them. Like when George Bush declared the mission accomplished. No one really believed him but they loved the sentiment. And sometimes it is the thought that counts.

So, if any of you girls want to get in my head and turn me on, you now know my ten favorite lines. Bonus points if you can work two or more into one sentence.

Oh and I love you.

No, seriously, it's true.

Fine, fuck you then.