2012 is a disaster movie, and going to suck

The Mayans say their people predict that 2012 (in theaters this weekend) will suck. The Mayan calendar discussed many of the globe's biggest events millennia before they happened, and is toted as one of the best examples of foresight and psychic abilities along with Nostradamus. The current chief of the Mayans says his people's calendar doesn't usually discuss movies, but in this case there's an exception.

Lloyd (Chief High Priest Lloyd Squanto Dobler)

"This movie is just going to suck," says Chief High Priest Lloyd "Squanto" Dobler. "I mean, this is just another piece of Hollywood crap filled with a bunch of top-of-the-line special effects and great acting talent trying to cash in on a current trend, but you can just tell from the previews that this is going to suck."

The Mayan Calendar

(In the top middle, the blue bird with the red mouth is the part of the Mayan Calendar that predicts 2012 will suck)

The 2012 film focuses on a few survivors of the global disasters that destroy the world on December 21, 2012 – a phenomena which is predicted by the Mayan Calendar, as well as many other different psychics and well known fortune tellers. The movie features top Hollywood talent such as John Cusack, Oliver Platt, Woody Harrelson and Amanda Peet. The CGI effects are toted as some of the best ever.

"I still don't care," says Squanto Dobler. "I don't have a problem with disaster movies. I mean, who didn't think Armageddon was awesome? Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck AND Aerosmith? That's a brilliant combination that's never been topped. But 2012? Give me a break. I'm a huge John Cusack fan. If you don't like High Fidelity, you're not my friend. But for crying out loud, you don't need an ancient people telling you a cruddy movie about the world blowing up, then the humans get rescued by aliens is going to gargle mammoth balls."

Squanto Dobler continued. "Oh crap. Did I ruin the movie for you? You didn't know that the aliens rescued the humans? Well, I just saved you two hours and ten bucks. I did you a favor."

However, if moviegoers are looking for a good flick, the Mayan Chief High Priest does have an upcoming suggestion.

"My forefathers predicted that Legion, another movie about the end of the world, but instead of natural disasters, it's about angels. I swear, you must have seen that preview? Right? You know, it's a bunch of monsters and angels with machine guns attacking these yokels in some diner. Anyway, maybe it's just that the Mayan people are destined to be attracted to flicks about angels and bazookas and especially Dennis Quaid."


Legion comes out in theaters January 22, 2010 with another star studded cast.

"Well actually, our calendar doesn't predict that Legion will be a good movie. It just says it will be highly entertaining and totally corny – like Road House," Squanto Dobler says. "But I suppose you want to know what will happen in the real 2012. Yep, we're all going to die, but some of the greatest movies ever will come out in the next few years. So we've got that going for us."