I gotta say, I sure am enjoying this year's March Madness (notice that I put “sure” in there to make it obvious that I enjoy this year's March Madness more than mere, regular, everyday old enjoyment, i.e. I sure enjoy it?that's more). There've been some sweet upsets, a few buzzer beaters, the annihilation of Duke and Kentucky and a few weird teams like Western Kentucky and Davidson squeaking into the Sweet 16. However, this year I've noticed that many questions and comments that surround the Madness always find a way to repeat themselves annually and well, it's making the Madness kind of frustrating for those of us who have what I like to call, a memory.

The following questions and comments were stated to me more than three times by more than three different people over the course of the last few days and I think something needs to be done about them.

“Man I wish football had a tournament like this.”
So do I. So do all right thinking Americans. It won't happen though, so let it go.

“Wait, that's different from how they do it in the NBA.”
Yes it is. Despite the fact that NCAA basketball is essentially a free minor league system for the NBA, they do some things differently. It's probably because they're a different league or something.

“It's weird seeing all these white kids play basketball, huh?”
Yes it is, you racist weirdo. It's totally uncommon to see white people even approaching a basketball. It's like watching a snail ride a unicorn, it's so fucking rare.

“How many more games are there?”
This one is from all the girls who hate basketball: there are many more games for many more days and they take up many hours that are sometimes spent worrying about how you're feeling. You'll be fine though. I promise that once this is?holy shit did you see that play? That was textbook.

“My bracket is fucked.”
Yes it is. Everyone's bracket is fucked. A perfect bracket has never happened and it never will. Perfect brackets are rarer than Haley's Comet (this is not a joke?it's a truism).

“Gonzaga is fun to say.”
They're in the tourney almost every year. Let that half-assed joke go free already.

“Billy Packer sure seems like an asshole.”
Yes he does. Rumor has it, he may actually be an asshole. I've never met the man but I have to agree. He does seem like an asshole.

“Are you really gonna spend the whole day watching basketball?”
Yes I am. And I don't care how beautiful the day is or what else I'm missing out on in life. March Madness is once a year and beautiful days happen all the time. By the way, does this couch make me look fat?

Something nicknamed “Madness” should not have such an element of repetition to it. I need it to be interesting and fun. That's why I watch. And that's why I recommend that everyone memorize this list and never bring this shit up again.

Or let me know how I can kill some brain cells, specifically those involving memory.

Logic and fluidity actually stuck around for this piece, but I'm still leaving you with the following, which I saw on a bumper sticker:

Jesus and me are free to see other people.


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