I'm too hung over to head out to the bar today and it looks like my neighbors are still giving away wireless internet (they're sweethearts, I tell you) so I will be live blogging or running a diary or getting all geeky with the football action today.

12:44:  The pregame is on FOX.  I would rather watch two cockroaches chew on an infant.  So I'll see you at 1PM Eastern (because that's my time zone–if you're in a different one, adjust your life accordingly).   

12:47:  Jimmy Johnson's keys to the game: stop the run. stop the pass, score more points than your opponents.  The man is a fucking genius, I swear to God. 

12:48:  Frank Caliendo is doing the worst Tony Soprano impression I have ever seen.  And that's saying a lot because I know a lot of people from Jersey.

12:53: Terry Bradshaw just broke the "most cliches in one minute" record set last year by Joe Morgan.  We're witnessing history here, people.  Get fucking excited!

12:56:  The preview for Taken reminds me that we need more action movies set in Paris.  There's something awesome about seeing that place get blown up.  I can't quite figure out why I feel that way but I feel that way.  What can you do?

12:57  I wish Denis Leary would stop trying to sell me Fords. 

12:58 Joe Buck is here!  And he brought Troy Aikman!  I'm psyched.  Aikman just said that the Philadelphia Eagles will have to "play well again."  Where do these guys get such insight filled insights?  I mean, their insight is so insightful it actually has insight.  That's saying nothing.  Nothing at all. 

1:03:  It's the Phladelphia Eagles versus the New York Giants in case you didn't know.  Apparently, this is some kind of intense rivalry.  Somehow I never noticed. 

1:04:  Chris Meyers just said that Donovan McNabb just said, "You have to pull out all the tricks."  Yes!  Our first mangled cliche of the day.  I thought it would take at least until the third quarter.  Never underestimate FOX. 

1:06:  Kickoff, bitches.  Kickoff! 

1:06:  Ahmad Bradshaw just ran the ball to the Eagles' 35 yard line only to get pushed out of bounds by David Akers, the kicker.  That's just… it's just… it's sad.  That's all.  Really sad.

1:08:  Time for my first beer of the day.  Always tastes like honey. 

1:09:  Paul Frank just posted a blog entry.  You know, if you take all of the titles of all the Paul Frank posts and mix them up, you could create one weird ass poem/death metal ballad. 

1:10:  Yes, going for it on 4th down.  Brandon Jacobs gets it!  The Giants brought their balls today.  I love the fourth down conversion like I love me some fried chicken.  Awesomeness galore. 

1:11:  Is "defensed" a word?  Aikman sure thinks it is.  I'll stick with defended but I'm old school.  Aikman pushes the envelope. 

1:12: Mmmmm.  Clementines. 

1:13:  4th and a few and now Coughlin brings out the field goal kicker?  What happened to going for it?  It was a chip shot the last time; it's a chip shot now.  Come on, Giants. 

1:13:  Field goal!  Anyone else think football would be more enjoyable if they eliminated the field goal?

1:15:  The NFL is sponsoring a movement for an active generation.  So, party people, get off your asses.  Quit watching football all day and go do something.  Losers.

1:16:  To me, driinkability means: stupid marketing ploy.  But I can be kind of literal. 

1:19: McNabb, according to Buck, just fired a lazer, begging the question, can you fire a lazer or do you just shoot one?  Yeah, I'm calling that a mangled cliche.  That's two today, FOX.  You guys are on fire. 

1:20  The Giants defense is seriously defensing the Eagles right now. 

1:21:  Three and out, Iggles.  Way to give it your all. 

1:22:  False start, Iggles.  You know, if you want to go home early, you have the option of forfeiting.  It's in the rules. 

1:23:  I don't think the Eagles know the rules.  Two flags now on the Giants.  Nothing like the pristine and tight play of NFL championship caliber teams.  Jeez. 

1:25:  Not for nothing, but yesterday I went grocery shopping and my check-out girl told me I had a "great diet."  People are nice sometimes. 

1:26:  Asante Samuel picks Eli Manning and takes it to the one.  We got us a game!

1:27:  Tom Coughlin has never deferred off the coin toss?  Really?  That seems kind of… umm… fucking dumb. 

1:28:  After a stupid Giant holding penalty and a failed rush by Brian Westbrook, the Eagles use a QB keep to get the TD.  Football baby!  This is football!

1:32:  Is it me or does Joe Buck sound bored?

1:34:  I don't think Troy Aikman has ever told me anything I didn't already know. 

1:35:  Aikman just said, "I'm actually surprised that maybe didn't draw a penalty." Make words well he does not. 

1:35:  Fight fight fight.  Joe Buck just described all the pushing and shoving between these two teams as "kind of chippy."   Cheerio, then.  Cheerio. 

1:36:  Manning just threw a lame duck pass out of bounds.  It looked like it was thrown by a drunk girl in high winds. 

1:39:  I seriously think the Giants' defense collectively feels that maybe this game is important.

1:40:  Beer number two.  Hi beer!

1:42:  Two penalty flags on the kickoff which followed the Iggles getting smooshed like a very smooshable bug. 

1:43:  Tom Coughlin has frustration on his face.  That can't be comfortable. 

1:44:  You can't stop Brandon Jacobs.  Mainly because you are not an NFL player. 

1:47:  Elisha just tossed the ball to Jacobs and then made the lamest attempt at a block I have ever seen and I once pretended to block my sister in a neighborhood pickup game. 

1:48:  Manning just missed Steve Smith on a deep pass and Buck actually got excited for a second.  That was close. 

1:52:  Intentional grounding on McNabb in the endzone yields a safety.  And make no mistake, Joe Buck is now pumped. 

1:53:  The score of this game is now 7 to 5.  Safeties always funkify the scoreoard. 

1:57:  Kevin Boss has an awesome last name.  He's everybody's boss.  You don't have to wonder who is the boss when Kevin's around.   I'm getting loopy. 

1:58:  Let's take a second and ponder this reality:  The Arizona Cardinals are in the NFC Championship game.  Seriously.  I wonder how much money Vegas made off that one. 

1:59:  I think "Illegal Hands to the Face" may be a misnomer.  What would constitute legal hands to the face?  Picking another guy's nose? 

2:00: Another catch by Kevin Boss, who from now on for the purposes of this live blog, will be referred to as Tony Danza.  You're welcome.

2:05:  Carney missed a field goal.  I wonder who consoles the kicker when he screws up.  Does anyone even talk to the dude after that kind of stuff?  I think they sould mic all the kickers so I can find out.  That's right, it's all about me, the NFL's only fan. 

2:07:  Someone has to say it.  The five dollar foot long commercial featuring the firemen and construction workers is straight up out of the closet gay. 

2:08:  If you're McNabb and you famously said that you didn't know regular season NFL games could end in a tie, why would you argue rules with the officials?  I mean, how do the officials keep a straight face when this guy argues?  I would have to laugh at him.  I just would. 

2:10:  We're midway through the second quarter and the Eagles just got their first conversion of the game.  The Giants defense is either uncontainably awesome or the Eagles offense is asleep.  It has to be one or the other, right?

2:12:  The Iggles are driving.  They're driving.  They're driving…

2:13:  Third and one.  McNabb has a new chin strap.  Buckhalter with the first down!  The Iggles are awake now and they're ready for coffee. 

2:14:  Third and nine.  McNabb, with his chin strap, tosses an intrception to Dockery.  McNabb is now 4 for 9 with 18 yards and a pick.  Elisha's not much better.  Maybe it's the wind but these guys seem kind of… what's the word?  Shitty.  Shitty is the word. 

2:15:  It's a good thing for Giants' fans that Brandon Jacobs showed up.  He's the only guy on offense playing like he cares about the outcome of the game. 

2:17:  25 yard gain for Tony Danza!  Angela will be so pleased. 

2:18:  I wouldn't fight Brandon Jacobs for anything shy of ten million dollars. 

2:20:  Jacobs' five yard run was taken off the board because the officials said that the ball was hiked at the beginning of the 2 minute warning.  Lame!

2:22:  According to Aikman, Manning wears a glove on his left hand "primarily when it is cold."  How much do they pay this guy, anyway?

2:24:  3rd and 5, Elisha and company get nothing.  Hey, you think Peyton is watching this game?  They haven't showed him in the stands.  I wonder where the hell he is.  I'll bet he's drunk wherever he is. 

2:25:  Carney comes on to kick a field goal again.  The crowd groans ominously. 

2:26:  It's an 8-7 game.  Why do I feel like it should be bottom of the ninth and not a minute from halftime?  This game kind of sucks.  Or as Aikman would say, "I'm pretty sure this game kind of is not being maybe played as well as it could be."

2:29:  A white receiver just dropped a pass for Philly.  Clearly, he's only on the team to keep the fanbase happy. 

2:30:  What do you guys think I should have for lunch?  I had eggs and turkey sausage for breakfast.  I'm thinking maybe some chicken and broccoli.  Oooh, maybe I'll have some yogurt.  That's tasty. 

2:31:  Philly is driving.  They're driving… They called a timeout.

2:32:  I may just defrost a steak and fire up the ‘cue.  It's a beautiful day.  By the way, I live in Tampa, home of this year's Super Bowl, which means we're gonna have a lot less homeless people come February. 

2:33:  3rd and 1, Westbrook gets the first.  18 seconds left after McNabb spikes it. 

2:34:  Flag is down after McNabb runs out of bounds for a gain of eight.  The penalty is on the Giants' defense.  Eagles inside the ten.  They're driving…

2:35:  After a failed attempt at the endzone, ageless David Akers comes in with a chance to tie Gary Anderson's consecutive playoff field goal streak.  I am beside myself. 

2:36:  And a meaningless record is tied.  It's 10-8 now after that David Ortiz homerun, er field goal.  And we're going to halftime which is good because I'm hungry. 

2:37:  I'm going with the yogurt.  I had a heavy breakfast.

2:52:  Sorry I'm late,  I have no excuse.  The Iggles have great field position and… they just gave it back to the Giants.  McNabb may be hungover.  I'm not ruling anything out with that dude. 

2:53:  Aikman said that he would "ride Jacobs until he just could't go anymore."  Too easy, Troy.  You got to make me work for it sometimes. 

2:55:  Ward dropped a stupid pass and Eli gave him a look like Ward just pissed on his rug.  Quality comedy right there. 

2:56:  Even Tony Danza can't catch passes thrown behind him in double coverage.  Here comes the field goal unit.  For a change. 

2:56:  Carney with the field goal.  It's 11 – 10.  I wouldn't mind seeing like one quality offensive play that doesn't involve Brandon Jacobs.  You know, just to mix it up. 

2:58:  Denis Leary cannot make me buy a Ford.

2:59:  Oh, and not for nothing, but my buddy Scotty the Handicapper is getting married next month and I have to rent a Tux (I'm a groomsman).  So look for a new profile picture from me.  Paul Frank is a trendsetter.

3:01:  The white wide receiver for the Eagles just dropped another easy pass.  Clearly, he is racist and doesn't want McNabb to look good. 

3:02:  Buckhalter gains five, a penalty flag is tossed, holding is called on the offense and the crowd cheers heartily (that was a poem).

3:03:  Second and twenty and McNabb threw a pass to an invisible midget.  Maybe he's shrooming right now. 

3:04:  First down Eagles.  McNabb looked really good on that play.  Like a professional and stuff. 

3:05:  A different white receiver dropped a McNabb pass (these guys all hate black people) but a penalty saves the day for Philly.

3:06:  Antonio Pierce just took a shot in his chest from his own teammate.  I'll bet those hurt more than getting hit by the opposition. 

3:07:  White Kevin Curtis hangs on to a pass over the middle.  Maybe he's starting to understand that we're all alike under the skin. 

3:08:  Aikman just accused the Eagles of running the football "very few."  I'll bet his high school English teachers drink heaily during these broadcasts.  Oh, and speaking of which, I'm on beer three, the Giants have a man down and Denis Leary is still trying to sell me a fucking Ford.  I need a smoke. 

3:11:  Not to be outdone by the injury to Giants' Justin Tuck, the Iggles Avante is down.  Avante is a car, right?  It's at least a Greek God or soemthing. I'm googling it.

3:12 From Google: "Avante! is the official newspaper of the Portuguese Communist Party (PCP). Founded in 1931."  Wow.  I did not see that coming.  Eagles are now in the Red Zone, my favorite of all the zones. 

3:14:  McNabb is getting freaking beat into the turf here.  Maybe they should protect him for a change. 

3:15: 3rd and 5 and the pass was thrown behind Westbrook.  I know, how about a little field goal action?  Give me some David Akers.  Ain't seen him today.

3:16:  And Akers has set the consecutive playoff field goal record which, I am told, is about as meaningless a record as a man can break.  So there's that.  Also, it's 13-11 which is just a stupid looking score.  Can we get a 7 on the board here guys?  Come on.  I'm bothering to live blog this!  At least pretend like you care. 

3:18:  Troy Aikman is making me dumber.

3:19:  According to Buck, Jacobs is a "unique back."  The fuck does that mean?  I want an explanation.

3:20:  For the second time today Joe Buck got excited.  Elisha dropped a bomb on Hixon.  That shit was pretty.  This is why we watch football baby!

3:22:  This is kind of off topic but I understand that fat is an awesome source of energy and this country has the fattest people on Earth.  There has to be a way to fuel our homes with the stuff, right?

3:23: Plaxico Burress looks really good for a guy with a hole in his leg. 

3:25:  A 47 yard try for Carney is no good, the second time he's failed today.  Make no mistake, this game is all about the kickers. 

3:26:  No one is talking to Carney, who ironically looks like an actual carnie, like he should be running a tiltawheel at the Iowa State Fair. 

3:27:  3rd and 5.  McNabb in his own terrotory.  Aikman thankfully silent.  McNabb hits Curtis for another racially sensitive first down. 

3:28:  Pass interference on the Giants.  Coughlin looks like he's about to shit blood.  I've seen pissed before and that dude is pissed. 

3:29:  Wow.  One official overruled the other and now there is no pass interference.  Coughlin regains his digestive control.  I love this game. 

3:30:  Andy Reid looks great with a beard, like he should be sitting in a deer stand eating fistfulls of beef jerky and wondering where he'll take his next dump. 

3:31:  And on the next play, LJ smith gets his face mask yanked around and it's a fifteen yeard penalty.  I think there are more penalty yards than non-penalty yards in this game thus far. 

3;32:  Kevin Curtis gets the ball and takes it to the 15.  Somewhere, MLK is looking down on him lovingly. 

3:33:  Not to be outdone, the other white receiver catches a pass.  This is unity people.  You.  Nit.  Tee. 

3:34:  Third and one inside the ten yard line.  McNabb needs to get this first so Aikman will shut up. 

3:35:  Westbrook gets the first and the Eagles are like ten feet from a touchdown.  Go go go go. 

3:37: Celek, the other white receiver, gets a touchdown on a nice pass following a fake handoff.  Was that so hard, guys? 

3:39:  Aikman thinks it is important for the Giants to score a touchdown.  How did MENSA miss out on this guy?

3:40:  Brandon Jacobs is having a serious day.  If he keeps this up, Aikman will definitely ride him. 

3:42: If oranges were as easy to peel as clementines, I wold eat more oranges.

3:43:  Direct quote from Aikman, "You have to get a measurement here so you at least know where you're at."  Fucking genius, this guy.

3:44:  Coughlin challenges the spot that tells him where he is at.  Commercial time.  Howie Long wants me to buy a Chevy.  He and Leary can both go to hell.     

3:46:  That ref looked a little too indignant while saying that they got the call right, almost like he's tired of all this fool suffering he has to put up with on a weekly basis.

3:47:  The QB sneak didn't work and Philly takes over on downs.  I'm going for beer four. 

3:49:  McNabb and Westbrook can't convert the third down and I'm eating a delicious Boar's Head dill pickle, which I highly recommend. 

3:54:  Derrick Ward gets a first down and I can hear my neighbor's TV.  He's listening to the same game as me, which is creating a werid echo effect.  I feel you need to know this. 

3:55:  Wow.  The Giants are 2 for 11 on third down in this game.  Make that 2 for 12.  Aikman told me that.  I guess he's not totally worthless after all.  Who knew?

3:57:  The Giants can't get the first off of fourth down and my neighbor is celebrating like he has money on the Eagles.  I've never met the dude (he works nights) but I'm happy someone near me is happy.  If that makes any sense. 

3:59:  This is the first uninterrupted running diary I've ever done.  No phone calls or knocks on the door or crazy neighbors complaining about alligators in my backyard (that happens down here).  Kind of strange. 

4:00: McNabb just aired out a bomb to Deshean Jackson and Buck said, "And now the officials are gonna get together and figure out what they just watched."  I'm starting to think Buck is less than enthusiastic about his job.  First and goal for the Iggles. 

4:02:  If the Eagles win this game, which is likely, the Arizona Cardinals will HOST the NFC Championship game.  If you saw that coming at the beginning of this season, you are lying.  Plain, meet Simple.  Simple, meet Plain.

4:03:  Akers continues his postseason playoff streak and the score is now 23 – 11.  I have to say that I figured this game would be a lot closer.  Actually, I don't have to do anything.  But you get the idea. 

4:06:  I'll bet Peyton is watching this and is secretly happy.  I'm just saying…

4:07:  Nice catch by Toomer but there're only a few minutes left.  This thing is over.  I think I'm gonna eat some chicken, maybe surf the net for porn. 

4:08:  Wow.  Just as Buck said the Giants ended a drive turning it over on downs, Elisha threw a pick.  Buck got all excited like maybe he was psychic or something.  Just a weird moment all around. 

4:09:  Eli's numbers look really bad.  12 for 25 with two picks and no TDs.  I'd feel bad for him if he wasn't an overpaid douche. 

4:10:  Maybe I'm crazy, but why keep McNabb in the game anymore?  The G Moneys are down by 12 with three minutes left.  Get the McNabbster some water and a cigar. 

4:11:  McNabb just got penalized for picking up a phone on the Giants bench, begging the question, "The fuck you thinking, man?"

4:13: Andy Reid is on his way to his fifth NFC championship game in ten years, proving that coaches aren't all that important. 

4:13:  Heading to commercial, we got a picture of a passed out Giants fan, complete with face paint.  Ten to one that dude wakes up without his wallet. 

4:16:  Buck is peppering me with useless trivia.  First, he says that this is the first time ever that the NFC championship game will not feature one of the top three seeds and then he lets us know that no NFL game has ever ended with the score 23-11.  That's the kind of information that is really no help to anyone but still… kind of interesting, right?

Right?

4:19:  A picture of a sad Eli.  Aww…

4:20:  McNabb thanked God.  That's a safe bet. 

4:20:  I'm going to shut off my computer now.  Thanks for joining me for this game.  I will not be liveblogging the next one as I am looking forward to eating and drinking during it. 

In summary, the Eagles played well enough to win, Boar's Head makes great food, I am not buying a truck from Howie Long or Denis Leary and Troy Aikman has had too many concussions to speak proper English. 

Later, y'all. 


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Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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