I constantly get the question: “Xavier, should I abort my baby?” Normally, this news comes as something of a mixed blessing. On one hand, I think that it's nice that my mother still thinks of me as her baby, but on the other hand, I think a 63rd trimester abortion is pushing it a little, even for dirty liberal negroes. That being said, I think that it's high time that anybody who happens to be bored enough to read this finds out where I stand on the toughest issues.

Abortion: I'm definitely pro-abortion, or “anti-life” as some people would want to brand us. I'm also, however, “anti-choice”. There should be a test for parenthood, and if you fail, abortion should be mandatory. Affirmative responses to questions like “Do you consider a Value Meal a balanced diet” and “Have you at any point lived in West Virginia” would be immediate grounds for government sponsored babystruation.

The gambler in me also kind of likes the idea of an abortion lottery, but if its anything like the real lottery, all the winners would be hicks with no understanding of game theory.

Immigration: Considering my frankly iffy employment status, I'm in favor of increased immigration. I'm just waiting for one of them to come over and steal my lack of a job. I only ask that they don't steal my handjobs, but I find that unlikely as I am largely self-employed in that department.

Election ‘o8: As soon as I heard he was running, I immediately was set to give my vote to Ron Paul. I found a lot of his campaign material oddly worded and difficult to understand, but the conviction with which he delivered it made me want to lend him my complete support. Careful scrutiny of The Nate Way, however, led me to the shocking conclusion that I was in fact confusing him with Sean Paul, and that the reggae artist had no announced plans on the presidency. Now I'm back at square one.

Affirmative Action: I think it's a truly revolutionary concept, but I don't think it goes far enough. Why stop at college admissions and corporate jobs? I think professional sports should adopt a similar policy of evaluating candidates based on ongoing racial legacies. White runningbacks and receivers should be allowed extra points when they score. It should be perfectly permissible for black hockey players to call for do-overs when their shots careen wide. And any attempt at gymnastics by anyone other than a 3'2 Slavic girl with tear-stained cheeks and whip-marks on her back should be met with immediate applause and at least a bronze medal.

Gay Marriage: I didn't really want to go into this issue, but a fellow PIC writer whose name rhymes with Dick Audio (fittingly enough, if you've seen his DVD collection) has been begging for my approval for his proposed nupitals to the 15 year old Thai boy he picked up at the airport last week. Here it is, um, Rick – Go ahead and have all the gay marriage you want. But you each have to wear shirts, at all times, that say “pitcher” and “catcher” so I can know who to pay more.

Racism: Mindless racial generalizations are what white people do best. I feel like I'm often alienated because of my mixed heritage. It's not readily apparent, but I'm actually only 1/2 Black. I'm also 1/4 African-American and 1/8 Negro, and another of my great-grandparents was completely Colored. But do people recognize my richly diverse heritage? I wish.

Such is life.

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