raccoon-782060.jpgI've been in a variety of office environments. I've been in the kind of offices where everybody just kind of sits around and does their own thing on their own computer, I've been in the kind of office where everybody has a lot of interaction with each other but ignores me, I've been in the kind of offices where people still wonder if I'm coming to fix the air conditioner even though a.)I've been there for 5 months and b.) It's snowing outside. I've even been in the kind of offices where uniformed police officers handcuff you to a bench and then ignore you for a few hours, then eventually forget who you are and let you go with a warning to “stop doing whatever it is you were doing”.

Yup, I've been in them all. And in every single one, there's been single minded devotion to finding free food. Whether this be leftover donuts from yesterday's meeting, or Karen's lunch that you stole from the communal fridge and snuck to the bathroom to wolf down with your hands (why does Karen always bring French Onion soup?), something about free food always makes office workers crazy. I've never seen anything like it. 25 year old women, who spend hundreds of dollars a month on clothing can come back from a trip to some exotic local where some native stud named Julio made them feel 23 1/2 again turn into hungry little raccoons at the prospect of half of a free bagel.

As gainfully employed people, why don't they just take a moment and purchase a bagel? Has it really come to this, that the pinnacle of excitement is leftover cookies? Aren't people aware that many of the foods they salivate over are commercially available, for rates much much lower than they spend on useless things like children, or tampons?

Never mind, I gotta go. I'm at work, and somebody just put out some pretzels.