Dear George Lucas,
First let me tell you how much I enjoy some of your work. I liked "American Graffiti." Three out of the four "Indiana Jones" movies were spectacular. Your original "Holy Trinity" of "Star Wars" hold top spots on my favorite films list.
Over the past ten years you've taken a lot of heat for Episodes I, II and III. Because of your success with other films, I decided to keep my big mouth shut.
Then yesterday I paid eight bucks to see "Star Trek." Wow. Simply wow. I mean, George Lucas, did you see it? That's a fucking prequel!
Did J.J. Abrams turn Captain James T. Kirk into a whiny little adolescent bitch who couldn't act? Or an annoying little kid who can't act? NO! He actually made Captain Kirk even more fucking badass! I didn't even think that was possible.
Who ever heard of taking already established characters and allowing different actors to play them, but not making fans scrape their eyelids off? Then, geniusly, the writers explained some technical stuff, but didn't make the entire "Star Trek Universe" any lamer! Once again, it's cooler because of this prequel.
I got to thinking, what was this new "Star Trek" movie missing?
Could a director stuff an entire roster of original characters into a movie without feeling forced? Yes, and he did it without Captain Kirk constructing Data in his mom's house, R2D2 with rocket feet or other improbable bullcrap.
Did "Star Trek" need retarded creatures that pandered to retarded little kids? Granted, there was a tribble in one scene, but unless you had Jedi reflexes, you probably missed it.
How about child actors? "ST" had both a young Spock and a young Kirk, but guess what? They weren't gaytarded and actually acted like the characters they grow up into. Even better, the kids were only present for about five minutes total, instead of an entire movie that made me want to stick fish hooks in my peehole.
Spaceship battles? Yep, they had those, and they fucking ruled. Bad guys? Nero was totally evil. Ninja fights? Sulu's fencing skills. ‘Nuff said.
I still can't believe it. Abrams, who's not really a Trekkie, made the best "Trek" movie ever. He didn't ruin any of the characters or history. Even more important, I hope he makes another one. On the other hand, George Lucas, each one of your movies makes me dread going to the theaters because I fear I might see one of your previews.
Star Trek's rebirth is like the resurgence of cool. It's like sipping Scotch on the rocks rather than chugging Red Bull vodkas. Or actually learning to box rather than watching a Tae Bo video.
But Star Wars' rebirth is more like the comeback attempt of a 1970s pornstar. Sure we liked her when she was on her game, even if she was a little cheesy. Now, none of us want to see her no matter how many plastic surgeries, Pod Races and Wookies she's got.
How can you remedy this stuff Father Skywalker? First off, dig in your toolbox for your longest screwdriver. Stick it all the way up your nose and start jiggling it. Then let somebody else start the "Star Wars" prequels from scratch. We'll call it a triple-mulligan and pretend the last three movies don't exist. Also, feel free to hit Stephen Spielberg.
Until then, George Lucas, stuff your Midi-Chlorians, purple light sabers and Gungans up your fat ass!