This weekend, New York Giants wide reciever Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg in a nightclub. Upon going to the hospital, he told the staff his name was Harris Smith (because that's the whitest name he could think of) and that he got shot at an Applebee's (because white people can relate, we go to Applebee's all the time). However, the nurse hadn't noticed any bullet shrapnel recently in her Pick ‘N Pair Lunch Combos, so she knew something fishy was going on.
While the litigation is pending, I'm sure this can all be explained. It seems perplexing that black people would start shooting themselves instead of other black people, innocent white people, old ladies, newborn babies, and cuddly kittens like usual, but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. Here are some possible reasons why Plaxico Burress shot himself:
- A crazy black guy was waving a gun around in that glass plate thing on the wall in the bathroom
- His nose stole some coke from him
- His finger stole his Super Bowl ring
- His wife was cheating on him with his penis
- Sympathy sex
- He's emo
- Mad that the Giants are 11 and 1 instead of like, 40 and 1
- Can't trust his leg
- Fuck if I know, black people do some crazy things sometimes, have you ever seen that show "Black People Say The Darndest Things, When You Can Understand What They're Saying; They Also Do The Darndest Things"
- His name actually IS Harris Smith, life is but an illusion, a chess game and we are the pawns