1
You have a better chance of being
the Antichrist
than you do of winning
the lottery.
2
When you got nothing
left
you still got
whiskeydick.
3
Don't butter your poptarts
before they
toast!
4
No, the 7:15 didn’t kill Percival right away;
but as the breaksman said to his conductor,
“The bastard sure looked like a sad cartoon poodle.
But hell, aren’t we all just sad, cartoon poodles?”
5
When you find out
that she’s a whore,
it’s much easier
to forget her
bad
habits!
6
Take a day to totter like a drunk skunk
to the rusted bridge with a 90-foot-drop.
Below, you’ll see a brown, slow-moving river
and its bronze women spread-eagle on the rocks.
Call to them and Jump.
Success or Death?
Results may vary.
7
Like a fat, angry, bald man slicing open his cheeks
and sliding a small packet of Splenda
between the muscle and the skin,
we sweeten the flesh
to sweeten the rest.
8
If you don’t have legs, it’s much more difficult to avoid landmines.
9
Shut the fuck up
and pull into that IHOP.
10
The brown-black pack of Basics,
always rests on the cherry nightstand
but that
rarely sits between the toenail moon
and the bed’s constant squeak.
My friend,
don’t pick up the phone now,
you’ve finally got her
in the
mood!
11
Everywhere, men shout,
those angry prophets.
But, I am confident in my story.
There is no God
and they're stupid,
these village churches.
12
Learn to be still &
13
14
White space is okay.
15
Your father will never take off his jacket
pat your back
and say,
“Pour yourself a drink, son.
You’ve earned it.”
16
There will always be one book you own
that’ll make your dying grandmother
ask things like,
“Do you know Jesus,
sweetie? Or do you trust in
rock and roll?”
17
Her hips cocked on tight hinges
her legs gleamed with sunlight and old sweat,
and with those chopsticks in her hair,
I must say
her tsu was held in place.
18
Don't rope your reader with heartstrings,
grab them by the clit,
look into their big, dumb eyes and say,
"Kiss me like you missed me,
you fucking bitch."
19
Never ask, “Where’s a concerned citizen?”
You'll never find one.
20
The only appropriate death threat:
Dear Death,
In reply to the memo:
So what?
Send my regards
to your lovely wife.
P.S. I'll bring the
tuna salad.
21
Sing along
to songs
that go:
na-na-na-na
na-na-na
na-na
whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
whoa-whoa-whoa
whoa-whoa.