One of the little joys of reaching puberty was the moment we all discovered we were becoming wildebeests controlled by hormones. To most men, this is a very important ritual that begins with a 7th grade school video.

Remember that day in 7th grade, when you got shuffled into the gym and your lesbian P.E. teacher showed you a video about how it's time to start growing a penis afro, warning you that if you ever touch a female's crotch, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll pull out a bloody hand? That's right, basically nothing more than a 30-minute commercial for oral sex, if you wanted to avoid the risk of pulling out a condom that looked like a murder weapon. Thankfully, it all ended with a shot of a guy looking at the camera and saying "So now I know it's A-OK to have a small penis!" and then turning around to play some basketball with the guys.

I'd imagine it was even stranger for the girls, because suddenly, after going to school for 7 or 8 years with all these guys, they were going to turn into rapists, or worse, stalkers. Of course, things probably got a little less stressful when each girl's father sat her down and calmly explained that if any guys dared touch lay their hands on her budding womanhood, he would smash the little fucker's testicles open on an iron-plated cinder block, chiseled into a smaller, more painful, genital-mutilating cinder block. Oh, and that it was A-OK to have small breasts and look average! …Unless she wanted to be a pop singer. In which case, she had to have giant tits and look like a total whore.

Well guess what? We'd be fucking lucky if our biggest sexual worries still involved being scared that our penises were 15 inches too short. Ever since AIDS became the black plague of the fucking 80's, being a young person experimenting with sex for the first time is sort of like being a black man experimenting with bitch-slapping Klansmen at a cross burning for the first time.

Or course, it only went downhill from there. Eventually Mother Nature decided to stop making beautiful new plant and animal species, and got to working on diseases that turn your dick 15 colors and then send it on an independent nun- and mime-killing rampage.

Recently, I ran into a list of things that have all been overheard at an STD clinic. If these don't scare you the fuck away from fucking for the rest of your life, at least they'll give you a great selection of things to say in public when you want attention:

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

I can sort of relate to this. We all remember where we were and what we did when we first accidentally figured out that rubbing your dick against the side of the bathtub feels funny. But if you've got a dick that goes off and does drugs WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION, might I suggest getting an old priest and a young priest together, and throw some holy water around.

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

Hair falling out isn't a special problem by any stretch of the imagination. Even if it's pubic hair. At least I'm pretty sure that's the case, as I hardly ever hear anyone in a bar tell a girl, "Hey baby! I'm a plumber!" I know I sure as fuck wouldn't if the job involved cleaning up the poor lost pubic hairs that people's cocks didn't think made the cut. And I would imagine that with enough exposure, the sun would hurt anyone's cock. That's like saying, "It hurts when I pour Tabasco on my dick and slam it in the car door." Which you should only do if you are trying to show your cock how your ears feel when you listen to the 80's tune, "We Built This City."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on, and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

It doesn't take fucking Dick Tracy to figure out that you probably buried your face in some guy's ass after he convinced you that you were bisexual, and fucked the dog. Or whatever you did, I'd probably try as hard as possible to keep it the fuck to yourself. I don't know…maybe the sun did it. Who the fuck knows.

"My last period looked like meat."

I don't understand how Christians can hate gays when they also believe in a god who makes the one thing that non-gays are supposed to have sex with bleed for a week. I'm no homosexual rights activist, but I'll bet an asshole starts to look pretty good after you get a look at whatever terrifying burger this woman was talking about.

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

I call bullshit on this one. Sounds like a fucking fraternity prank. That's how balls are supposed to fucking feel. Except I hope this guy's balls enjoy the taste of MY SHOE.

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

Basically you grind your vagina into some guy's hard-on for money. I don't see the problem here. It's not fucking eye surgery. But I guess it'll be a little bit harder doing it smelling like dead fish. In fact, that's fucking disgusting. But hey, every guy knows that if you wanna pick up a girl in a strip joint, whichever one smells the worst is probably single, so it's a blessing in a really stinky disguise.

"I got the dripper."

If companies sponsored STDs, Maxwell House would be all over this like Michael Jackson on an altar boy in heat.

"I have food chunks in my urine."

Which is terrible, I'm sure. But it probably beats the fuck out of having urine in your food chunks. Besides, when you pee, you can walk away from the stall, point at it, and yell, "SEE PUSSIES! THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE!" You'll look like a badass.

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol-feelin' a little raw down there."

This is taken directly from the book, "Things to Give Me Terrible Nightmares Every Night Until I Fucking Die." This is just more of the shit that turns men gay. But think of how terrible it would be if Lysol really WAS a good douche. Every time that fat black woman on the Lysol commercials came on TV, it would be exactly like the ending of The Ring.

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

Holy shit, I would too pal. Quit fucking picking them, and get the hell away from me. I'm sure someone with scabs on his ass would be easy enough to get along with though; he'd never ever argue. In any given argument, the person with less scabs on his ass will probably win.

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

Either you just got fucked up the ass, or you have been given what is knows as, "The coolest fucking disease in the fucking history of ever." Either way, quit bitching.

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

You crazy kids with your "Truth or Dare" games.

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

This just in: I am going to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my life.

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

Talk about a fucking MAN! Take that shit like a trooper, bro! That's almost as cool as bragging about…umm…pissing food chunks.

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma, and my other new baby's momma has disease."

Won't somebody PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!?

 

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

Yes. It's called sperm. Congratulations. Wait…before it's cooked? Wow. I'll bet that stings like a bitch. Tough break.

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

So peel it back and see what's inside. It's not every day you get to open up a prize like your own penis.

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

I wouldn't either. When women find that kind of shit out, they don't tell you. They bite your dick off while you sleep. I would too if I found out that someone was cheating on me, and that my vagina bled all the time.

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

I don't need a joke here. Really, do I? Well then, here goes: "Q: What do you say to a Mexican in a 3-piece suit? A: ‘Will the defendant please rise?'."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

According to tampon commercials, you should go out horseback riding, sailing, and jogging. So hop to, Mr. Bloodsnatch.

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

Worst blowjob ever.

So, that should scare you fuckers into abstinence. Just like Jesus wanted.


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