By staff writer Dan Opp

Safety is one of the factors that parents most frequently consider when helping choose the school that will be legally entitled to half their salary for the next four years. Follow a tour group around at any given college and you’re bound to hear questions like, “How prominent is the security presence on campus?”, “Is the campus well-lit?”, and “Do you think it was wise to establish a university in the crater of an active volcano?” Fortunately, any fears are quickly dispelled when the tour guide assures them that the public safety staff failed their state police training by the slightest of margins, the Quad is brighter at night than the marquee on the Bellagio, and the volcano hasn’t buried the town in a heap of smoldering ash for at least ten years. The parents are pacified only temporarily before they proceed to ask more mundane questions about unimportant topics like class size and meal plans.

You don’t care about all that crap though. You’re in college. You’re wild and reckless. If you spent all of your waking day worrying about your personal safety, you’d be left no time to drink yourself stupid or download porn. Fear not, for I am here to help teach you how to have fun AND be safe over the next one to twelve semesters.

1. Be a massive tool.

The most surefire way to maximize your fun-to-danger ratio is to have no concept of what fun actually is. If you lock yourself in your room and fire up that PlayStation as soon as you get back from class, you can gleefully tap buttons until you’re hospitalized with severe forearm pain. (Feel free to laugh, but it actually happened at my school.) In addition to the hours of thumb-callusing fun, you’ll be sparing yourself from all sorts of dangerous things…like sunburns, STD's, alcohol poisoning, and —most importantly—social interaction. Best of all, everyone in Final Fantasy believes you’re really a wizard.

As a drunk driver, you are an army of one. Go mad!

2. Join a club.
Believe it or not, partaking in an activity you enjoy with like-minded individuals can be a euphoric experience. But since shooting heroin isn’t safe, why not join a club? There are dozens of clubs you can join, and if your college doesn’t have MADD, well, that’s because all the chicks who were careless enough to get knocked up in high school can’t afford to go to college! What’s that you say? Condoms are expensive? They give them out for free in college! Now aren’t you glad you were too awkward to get laid in high school? (P.S. If I got to you too late about the whole heroin thing, you can try starting up a scrap metal recycling club at your school! Blind optimism rules!)

3. Every day, punch the biggest guy you know square in the jewels.
Now, this isn’t safe at all. But it will sure be fun for everyone else to watch you get your ass beat.

4. Get a fake ID.
If you’re under 21, you basically have three options:

A) Don’t drink. Unless you’re on painkillers or a devout Mormon, this isn’t an option. Also, devout Mormonism isn’t an option.

B) Befriend someone who is actually 21 or at least someone who had the common sense to get a fake ID. This is better than the first option, but then what are you going to do when you run out of booze and everyone leaves your place and heads to the bars?

C) Get a fake ID. This is the only true solution. Now you too will be able to hit the town instead of sitting at home and tenderizing your tubesteak. Since this article is also about playing it safe, I recommend you get an ID with your own picture and information. I also read somewhere on the Internet that drinking and driving is dangerous, but everyone knows you can’t trust what you read on the Internet.

5. Adhere to the Fun Pyramid.
Here is where this article gets totally revolutionary. People have become Nobel Laureates for less. Without further ado, I introduce to you The Fun Pyramid. I even included a handy graph of The Fun Pyramid to eliminate any confusion. The Fun Pyramid works like any other real-life pyramid. You can’t get to the top if you haven’t climbed up from the bottom. The Fun Pyramid simply states that sex should not be achieved unless alcohol and/or an attractive member of the opposite gender are involved. I’ll spell it out real simple-like for you slower folk:

You shouldn’t bump uglies,
With ugly people,
If you’re sober.

Now that’s poetic, but it doesn’t have to end there. The Fun Pyramid has a variety of uses beyond its face value. For instance, it can be a great prioritizer. Any party that has a healthy dose of both alcohol and attractive people is a party worth going to. By this reasoning, class isn’t as worthwhile as a party. After doing some introspective research, I found that 100% of those surveyed agree with the previous statement. Lastly, I’d like to note that The Fun Pyramid applies to absolutely everyone. Except girls. Ladies, you should NEVER hold out on a brother.

Now that I’ve finished imparting my wisdom unto you, it’s time for you to go out and have some good, clean fun. And if your idea of good, clean fun is shooting some heroin and having unprotected sex with a homeless man, who am I to stop you? Just don’t fall into the volcano.