I’m tired of having to hold my shit at school. I’ll be holding my dump during class when I feel a turtle-head excavating its way out of my butthole, and rush out of class to set it free. (I am kind of an animal rights activist in that kind of way.) But, when I get to the bathroom, the last thought that crosses my mind is that of letting my butt cheeks touch any surface of this filthy place. There is always shit smeared on the walls, and some creepy ass middle-aged balding dude staring at me partially erect. What, that doesn’t happen at your school? Forget I said anything.

I am here to advise anyone that needs help taking a shit at school. (Unless you’re a girl, because girls don’t take dumps.) I have developed a series of useful techniques that are conducive to taking shits in less than appropriate situations. Before you read this, go eat a heaping bowl of chili and chug a bottle of X-Lax just to get those creative juices flowing. Let the shitting begin!

1. The Hover

You walk into the bathroom, and rush into the nearest stall. Avoid the handicapped stall, because let’s face it, retards take messy dumps. You select a stall only to find that the seat is covered in coarse pubic hair and clumps of diarrhea. Do not panic! There is a solution to this very delicate situation. Pull down your pants, and let your butt cheeks hover 3-4 inches above the toilet seat. If you feel the pubes tickling your butthole, rise up another inch. Poop as you normally would, but use your arms to prop yourself up against the sides of the stall. If successful, you should have cleared your intestines with no ass-to-seat contact and an immense feeling of self-worth. If you slip and let your ass touch the seat, you probably have AIDS. Go see a doctor you sick fuck.

2. The Pinch and Pull

After your arrival to the restroom and a thorough examination of the toilet seats, you find that this bathroom is exceptionally clean, and that you would feel comfortable sitting down. First, find the cleanest, most respectable looking toilet seat in the bathroom. Make sure all trickled urine is wiped clean and prepare yourself mentally. Apply a thick layer of toilet paper to said toilet seat, preferably 3-4 sheets thick. Drop your pants and slowly lower your ass down, being careful not to knock the ass guard of toilet paper off.

So you’ve made it, and feel that spewing shit uncontrollably is completely healthy. Well asshole, you’re fucking wrong. I have, as I am sure you all have, occasionally had toilet water splash up in and around my asshole while I let a log hit the water—a most uncomfortable sensation, unless you're into that sort of thing. Well, I have a technique I find to be most effective that will no doubt save you from this unfavorable situation. Shitting has to be seen as an activity in moderation. When you let a turd slip, cut it off short, around a length of maybe 3-4 inches. This will provide for less splashing. But the key part of this technique is not in the release, but in the actions that follow. Just as the turd leaves your asshole, pull your ass up in the air. The aftermath of water that splashes up from the turd’s impact has no chance of hitting your ass. Repeat this process until you’re finished, readjusting toilet paper as needed.

3. The Scoop and Score

This technique should ONLY be used in dire situations. For example, you have had diarrhea all day and you are watching a film in class about mud harvesting. You sprint out of the classroom, running with your feet pointed inward because you have to hold your butt cheeks together to keep from spewing. But, when you arrive, the bathroom looks like Satan’s den. Every toilet is over-flowing and completely covered in what looks like shit, but you’re not sure because it’s just that fucking bad. There are no doors on the stalls, and the faucets are leaking brown water.

There is only one way to handle a situation like this: I like to call it “the scoop and score.” Stand in the doorway of one of the stalls, pull down your pants and bend over. Grab a roll of toilet paper and wrap your hand in it thoroughly. Close you eyes, reach around your ass, and let that shit roll. As it comes out, heave it into the toilet. 2 points!

And there you have it, a few techniques to help you in your shitting adventures. I pray that you never have to experience the Scoop and Score, but let it be known that I use the other two on a regular basis with much success. Happy shitting!