Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
Wow, Pete! You ordered a lot of food. Did you skip lunch again?
The more advanced students write basic sentences in their workbooks: “The—dog—says—woof” and “The—villager—screams—aarrrrrgggghhh!”
Pa was hard at work at his moonshine-still turning cotton into cotton gin. Grandpa was reading the paper. The paper was also Southern.
I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in charge of spreading a bit of autumnal spirit throughout the organization?
I appreciate the new possibilities social media has created, but I worry about what they’re missing out on.
5:00 AM: After taking a deep mindful breath, I stroll outside to my gorgeous backyard and teach my daily Pilates class to the woodland creatures.
Providing difficult choices among terrible options is—like with cable TV—in keeping with Hell’s overall philosophy of customer dissatisfaction.
Did we go to college together? No, I went to Penn State. High school? No, I’m from New York. Middle School? No, I never graduated.
We at Amazon want to replicate every part of the brick-and-mortar experience, and that includes the sweet sweet thrill of shoplifting.
Google “What does sexually active mean?” Is it like you’re having sex right at that moment? In the past year? Ever?
Because at VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, we don’t sell insecticide. We sell experiences.