The Jack of Male HeartsBy staff writer JD Rebello

I'm assuming you were all as shocked as I was.

Lance Bass… gay? He wanted to go into space. Gay guys don't want to go to space. The dry air makes their skin rough.

I'm kidding, of course. But seriously, if I had to pick an NSYNC-er to be gay, he'd be fourth on my list, ahead of only Timberlake. I've got no problem with JT. Think about it, he bangs Britney Spears for a couple of years, ends it, moves on to Cameron Diaz, and then writes the debilitating “Cry Me a River,” which so shamed Britney she turned into that lady from Strangers with Candy. And this all happened in about six weeks. Justin Timberlake is the fucking man.

Anyway, it got me thinking, if Lance was gay all this time, who else could be gay? Well, Lord I was born a gamblin' man, so here's a betting line on who might come out of the closet next.

James Blunt
Singer (in theory)

Odds: 5 to 2

WHY: I just can't imagine a straight guy would ever write such pandering crap. I know a few guys who are whipped by their girlfriends, but even they wouldn't pull off: “Yes I caught her eye… as she walked on by… she could see by my face that I was flying high.” What does that even mean? And what is with that video?

WHY NOT: Well, in theory his song is about a girl, but so was “Tearing Up My Heart,” and look how that turned out.

George W. Bush
Unofficial President of the United States

Odds: 20 to 1


It's going to be tough pinning this on George.

WHY: He just seems to have a real manhood problem, like that one buddy of yours who gets all offended if you jokingly cuddle, then leaves the bar and goes home to “do pull-ups.” And, in Bush's case, “doing pull-ups” is a political term for “sending other people's children to die.”

WHY NOT: Well, he did base his entire 2004 campaign on keeping gay people from getting married, neatly putting aside dreck like the war, and the economy, and education.

Tom Cruise
Actor/Sociopath

Odds: 12 to 1

WHY: The whole Katie Holmes thing, I'm convinced, is the biggest hoax since the moon landing. Think about

it…. Allegedly, Katie had a baby, but have you seen the baby? I never even saw a picture of Katie pregnant. And don't give me that “Oh they're just keeping their privacy” bullshit. Paparazzi, if nothing else, are damned good at their jobs. They killed the princess of England, for Christ's sake. You think they couldn't get a snapshot of the kid of arguably our biggest star? You're living in a fantasy world. Oh, and if you like metaphors, in War of the Worlds, he's apparently swallowed up by a big vagina which he proceeds to blow up. Symbolism.

WHY NOT: He's just too good of an actor. Maybe it's me, but gay guys make shitty movies. Think about it. Who is the most prominent gay actor working today? Nathan Lane. Check out his IMDB page. Meanwhile, Cruise has made Top Gun, The Firm, Mission Impossible, Minority Report, Jerry Maguire and Magnolia.

Alex Rodriguez
Third Baseman, New York Yankees

Odds: Even

WHY: You mean, besides the purple lips and his association with a bush-league play in 2004 involving a flickering wrist? He seems genuinely unhappy having to play baseball but thrilled to kiss teammate Andy Phillips while on the Jumbotron at Texas.

WHY NOT: I've honestly got nothing.

Tom Brady
Quarterback, New England Patriots

Odds: 12 to 1

WHY: Well, he did try to convince his linemen to go to beauty salons and get manicures. He also agreed to take really effeminate pictures for GQ, a move most people in New England have been trying to forget. The picture with the goat has made it especially difficult to take him seriously as a football player. Oh, and he's prettier than most girls I know.

WHY NOT: Because he's not. How's that for a reason?

David Hasselhoff
Actor/German Superhero

Odds: 7 to 1

WHY: Somehow, he made it through eleven seasons of Baywatch without harassing anyone—something no straight man could do under similar circumstances. Plus, he is blissfully unaware of his own unintentional comedy, he once took a nude photo with a pug resting on his crotch, he cried during the ending of American Idol, and he is really big in Germany, a country whose most infamous leader killed six million people because he failed out of art school.

WHY NOT: If you look closely, there are a few episodes of Baywatch where you can vaguely spot an erection when he's chillin’ with Yasmine Bleeth. That's why I'm a great columnist: to watch old TV shows looking for boners to determine if someone is gay. I've done Northeastern University proud.

Kevin Federline
Nothing. He's absolutely nothing. There's no possible way to be anything less.

Odds: 24 to 1

WHY: He's a backup dancer. Seriously, you need more?

WHY NOT: Well, he has impregnated Britney Spears twice and broken her down into a fat skank with bad skin. You think a gay guy would stand for that? Oh, and he does absolutely nothing with his time and lives in the lap of white-trash luxury. Personally, I think most people are envious of him. It's like he won some FOX reality show called “Sperm for Britney” or something.

Barry Bonds
Outfielder, San Francisco Giants

Odds: 40 to 1

WHY: He allegedly allowed doctors and trainers to inject anything they wanted into his ass for the better part of the decade. Plus, he's pen pals with a guy currently serving time in a SAN FRANCISCO PRISON.

WHY NOT: We're here to talk about baseball. If you want to ask a baseball-related question, then ask it. You wanted him to jump off a bridge. Now he's going to jump. Go find someone else.

Taylor Hicks
Guy who won American Idol even though I'm fairly sure he's older than my dad.

Odds: 7 to 2

WHY: He was on American fucking Idol. If you saw a guy sucking another man's cock on your front lawn, you wouldn't ask “why.” How is this any different? Oh, and that hideous Ford commercial where he sings “POSSIBILITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES” is on in between every half-inning of the Red Sox games. So he's ruined baseball for me. Thanks, you grey-haired faggot.

WHY NOT: Can gay guys have grey hair? I need a ruling on this.

Jerry Falwell
Holy Man (And I mean that real loosely. Looser than Lindsay Lohan's beef curtain.)

Odds: 6 to 1

WHY: He hates women. Hates them. I demean women a lot on this site, but I'm kidding. He blamed September 11 on the rise in equality for women. If that's not massive cunt envy, I'm just making terms up.

WHY NOT: Because Jesus hates queers, even though the Bible only explicitly forbids sodomy, which according to Catholicism doesn't only mean anal sex, but oral sex and any kind of sex before marriage. Basically any kind of impure sex is perceived as sodomy according to the Bible, not just buttfucking and pillow-biting. You can thank my Catholic school education for that nugget of info.


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