Dear Timothy Williams,

Recently you have made us aware of your fatal disease, the cancer that tears at your bones all day and all night. You're in constant pain, and your childhood has been stripped away from you as you only have a few short months at best to live. I can't imagine the physical and emotional pain you are going through as the disease tears through your body and destroys your insides.

You contacted us here at the Make-A-Wish Foundation with what you thought was a simple request, one that if granted would make you feel like a normal kid again, if only for a moment. That request was to meet Santa and all his little elves.

Well, Timmy, are you sitting down? Santa doesn't exist. He never has, he never will. He's made up, fantasy, fake, imaginary…not real. Like the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Trix Rabbit, God, etc. etc. Of course, there are no elves either. Midgets don't exist. They're all lies fabricated by your parents. Tricks, if you will. Deception by those you thought loved you.

So we regret to inform you that your wish will remain just that: a wish. And wishes don't come true, Little Timmy. Hey, life is unfair. Just the other day I was eating lobster and I got some of the dipping sauce on my shirt! It was unimaginably dreadful. I had an extra shirt along of course, but next time I might not be so lucky.

Tila Tequila
Therefore, we cannot arrange a meeting with you and Santa and all the elves, since, like we said, Santa isn't real. Perhaps we can interest you in a dinner date with Tila Tequila? Bisexual half-celeb? Famous MySpace persona and star of MTV's A Shot At Love and A Shot At Love 2? What do ya say? Her schedule, sexuality, and vagina are wide open.

Or how about that guy from Wings? No, not Lloyd. Not the two brothers who star in the show. The really fat guy.

How about dinner with Lo from The Hills? Oh, yeah, I forgot, you eat through a tube.

Hmm, looks like I'm runnin' out of options here. Well…suck it up, beggars can't be choosers, so…guess I'll see you later or something…



P.S. How about meeting the former lead singer from Drowning Pool, pal? The dead one.

P.P.S. Wolf Blitzer? No? Okay.

P.P.P.S. That dude from Mad Money? Chris Pontius? Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? Brooke Hogan….'s brother? That dude who hosted The Man Show? No, the new Man Show. And he hosted Fear Factor, too, remember? I've got a ticket for half-off to Mamma Mia! with purchase of a large popcorn and soda. Would that cheer you up? Um, want to meet Jesse Jackson? I'm sure you guys have a lot in common (you both hate black people). Carlos Mencia? Nothing beats a good wetback joke from a racist! How about Howie Mandel? He's bald like you!

Interested in earning a living in comedy? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, created Comedy Business School to teach you how to do it.