As we all know, the internet wouldn't be possible without black magic and wishes, two of its core components. We know this because I painstakingly edited the first paragraphs of each Wikipedia entry for both Black Magic and Wish to say precisely this—only to have it ruined 20 minutes later by the Wikipedia patrol who advised me not to "experiment" on real entries. Note how much more accurate—and hilarious—my versions were.

Which brings us to the point of this article: people do things on the internet that they normally wouldn't do in reality—sometimes these things constitute illegal behavior. Maybe it's anonymity; maybe it's simply not giving a fuck. I like to imagine it's just because we can.

Medical Malpractice

In the Garden of Eden debating whether to eat an appleIn 2005, some doctors thought it would be nice to give people access to medical information—presumably because these are the only doctors who've never had that one patient who put something up his ass in a "freak accident." This great idea led to a golden era in medicine in which anyone who can navigate to WebMD can diagnose ADHD while watching an episode of Guiding Light, completely eliminating the need for medical school.

The major drawback is that this is not fucking true in any way, whatsoever. Yes, medical malpractice technically requires a licensed practitioner—but I believe there's a chance this is the link between every child in America being on Ritalin and soccer moms who prefer another round of the sauce to properly parenting little Timothy. Given this, we have to ask: did WebMD find proof that giving someone knowledge of a subject they don't fully understand—and leaving it up to them to do with it as they wish—has been successful in the past?

Public Indecency

Paris Hilton showing off a phoneExposing body parts in public places is never OK unless you are extremely hot. Unfortunately, each past-her-expiration-date "it" girl in Hollywood thinks we want to see her crotch—suspiciously around the time that everyone has lost interest in seeing her crotch. Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan…when you exit a limo in front of a club, your dried-out vag is showing—often. Please, stop. It is both gross and illegal. And while we're on the subject, doing even worse things in private and then "leaking" it onto the web—like say, Paris Hilton's sex video—makes you a whore. Contrary to popular belief, whoring is illegal, not "hot."


Slim Goodbody CD coverBeing my Facebook friend, subscribing to my Twitter feed, and obsessively checking my Flickr album for new photos doesn't mean we are actually friends—especially if we've only met once at a party. Granted, plastering every aspect of my life on the internet is a clear flirtation with megalomania—but you'd be flirting with a trip to the state prison if I caught you with your hand down your pants (the male-preferred method of web surfing) while rifling through my contacts, personal information, personal schedule, and photos. Again, this is especially true if we've only met once at a party.

If you say hi to me on the street and I don't know who you are, but you know where I went out to get my favorite drink last night and have seen the pictures, you're creepy as shit. Also, I need a life.


No, not the cool Johnny Depp-inspired type of high seas shenanigans or even the less glamorous death-inducing Somali version—this is more like the sitting-at-home-robbing-the-entertainment-industry-blind type. Which, by the way, I neither condone nor condemn. Either way, if you wouldn't secretly slip a Widespread Panic CD into your coat pocket—and if you would, you probably have their other 12 CDs that sound exactly the same already, so what's the point—it certainly doesn't make more sense to steal it online when you could be illegally downloading music that doesn't make baby Jesus' ears bleed instead.

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