A Handy Guide to Omen-Based Investing

Have you ever wanted to start playing the markets, but don't know where to start? Are you already investing and want to take your trading to the next level? Does it seem like investing is a full-time job, one you just can't fit in to your schedule? Investing in stocks and bonds, if done properly, is a great way to grow your capital, and I'm here to offer you a way to do it with a low time commitment and an almost guaranteed return on investment.

There's no need to conduct endless research and keep your ear to the ground for stock tips, not with the techniques I've laid out in my new book, Auguring and the Market: A Handy Guide to Omen Based Investing.

Consider yourself light years ahead of this guy after one simple read.

This book is the fruit of years of consultations with my financial advisor, the late Ms. Agnes Douglas, in her Airstream trailer behind the Denny's in Jefferson, New Jersey. Ms. Douglas was a master investor: she always knew where to move her funds, and, just as importantly, when to move them. She pulled out of Bear Stearns the day before it went down after seeing a pair of hawks getting intimate outside of a Starbucks in Hoboken. Jim Kramer just can't compete with foresight like that. Listening to her advice has made me a wealthy man and it can work for you, too.

Now, I know what you're thinking: it takes years and years of rigorous training to learn how to divine the future. Normally, that's very true. Ms. Douglas spent two decades studying with a coven in Chicago to learn her art, but my book will make it easy for you. It even includes a comprehensive list of signs to look out for in your everyday life and how to interpret them. I've included a few examples below, take a look…

Omen: A boisterous trio of crows circles your car while you are stopped at a lonely stop sign on the way to the garbage dump.

Interpretation: Invest in Chinese granite mines. Crows are closely linked to minerals, granite in particular.

Omen: An Isuzu Trooper cuts you off in traffic on the way to a first date.

Interpretation: Expect increased volatility in the equities market, invest in T-bills to offset some risk. Also, your date will go very poorly. Watch out for things being accidently spilled.

Omen: On your morning commute to work, a large squirrel with bone-white eyes stands his ground before your oncoming vehicle, daring you to hit him (DO NOT hit him, your finances and mother will regret it).

Interpretation: Expect growth in the European markets.

Omen: On your evening commute, a large squirrel with bone-white eyes attempts to stand his ground before your oncoming vehicle, but a black bird-of-prey swoops down and carries him, howling, into the distance.

Interpretation: The Euro will continue to lose value against the dollar. Thanks, Greece.

Omen: You hit a bat with your car on the way to a wedding, wedding reception, or to a Carl's Jr.

Interpretation: Oil prices will soon rise like a leviathan from the ocean deep.

Omen: You hit a bat with your car on your way back from divorce proceedings or a school play.

Interpretation: Expect a large drop in oil prices, sell your energy stocks and buy numerous gas tanks. Fill them with gasoline and leave them all over your yard. Remember to make sure your house has fire insurance.

Omen: Several bats attempt to follow you into every building you enter and then spend the day sitting outside the windows looking in at you.

Interpretation: You are the true Lord of the Night. It is your fate to sit in judgment over the pitiful creatures that crawl miserably under their sickly sun. Rejoice, Prince of Shadows, and invest in domestic manufacturing.

Omen: You hear the call of a mighty hawk while making waffles.

Interpretation: One of the companies in the Dow Jones Industrial Average will begin to hemorrhage stock value. Keep an eye out for additional omens to make sure you avoid the slide.

Omen: Your cat presents you with a dead mouse as you eat waffles for dinner.

Interpretation: Emerging markets are primed to surge, especially in South America.

Omen: You hear a thunderclap but see no lightning, or even clouds, in the sky.

Interpretation: Inflation will outstrip fixed income securities, invest in equities instead.

Omen: At midday, the sky goes suddenly dark and the moon appears above you, wreathed in blue flame. In the distance you hear the baying of wolves alongside the screams and shouts of creatures you can't hope to identify. Trees tremble before strong winds which bring with them the smell of cordite.

Interpretation: Prepare for a small shake-up of the tech industry.

Omen: While walking down the sidewalk you see a pigeon attack and kill another pigeon.

Interpretation: Retail growth will be slow this holiday season.

Omen: You trip and fall while exiting a Trader Joe's or Foot Locker.

Interpretation: Expect a contraction in domestic manufacturing.

Omen: You receive a phone call from you mother while entering any major fast food restaurant (except Chick-fil-A).

Interpretation: Invest in gold as a recession-proof vehicle. Also, you should get something for Mom's birthday; it's never too early. She'd love something gold.

Omen: You walk by a street musician on your way to visit a friend. He is playing magnificent music on a bright white violin.

Interpretation: Your investment assets will lose 25% of their value over the next few months. There is nothing you can do. You should have tipped the busker. Did you tip him and experience a loss anyway? That's just a coincidence.

Omen: The lights in the coffee shop flicker as the barista hands you your double venti espresso.

Interpretation: Those crooks in the Fed will keep interest rates low, avoid investing in bonds.

Omen: During the birth of your child, you hear strange voices whispering behind you but no one is there when you turn.

Interpretation: Include more real estate derivatives in your portfolio.

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Do you see now the power that auguring can give you over your financial future? Buy Auguring and the Market: A Handy Guide to Omen Based Investing now and don't let CNBC and Forbes waste any more of your money.

In addition to this list of omen interpretations, the book also includes helpful how-to's on speculating in ETFs using tea leaves, hedging the market with horoscopes, and assessing the proper time to buy a house using animal entrails. Act now and get my quick reference to using dreams for selecting an IPO.

Take command of your future by divining it. Purchase Auguring and the Market: A Handy Guide to Omen Based Investing and change your life!