Dear Evolution,

I know we've been through a lot together, from slime to monkeys to Canadians to humans, but I still have a few gripes to settle with you.

1. First of all, if we just need to have them taken out, why the fuck did you give us wisdom teeth? Shouldn't they have evolutionized their way out of our DNA by now?

2. 70% of the world is covered in water. Seventy percent. So WHY THE FUCK CAN'T WE BREATHE IN IT?! It's been over four billion years and we haven't found some money in the evolution budget for gills? Come on!!!

3. Why are my testicles, the epicenter of potentially pain-causing nerves, dangling like a punching bag between my legs? I mean, it's not like I ever need to sit down or anything. Or cross my legs. Or ride a bike. Or engage in any activity that involves the middle region of my body. The female reproductive organs are all nicely tucked away, and there are my balls, conveniently hanging at the height of a raised knee. I always knew you were a feminist.

4. Why do my hands have so many lines on them? Not really a big deal, just wondering.

5. Why did you make our eyes so damn fragile? I could be walking through the woods, catch a stray twig and bam! I'm half blind. How come my nipples can take more of a beating than my eyes? And why fuck do I even have nipples anyway?!

6. My friend stepped on an acorn the wrong way last year and twisted his ankle. You really need to work on that.

7. Let's be honest: if we had another thumb coming out the other side of our hand, we could do some pretty pimp shit. Get on it.

8. Why do our knees go out at age forty, when you've obviously molded us to last longer than that? That's like filling a milk jug with half fresh milk and half milk that's gonna expire tomorrow. However, judging by my previous gripes, you're obviously not the most rational entity. Then again, you are female.

Step it up, evolution.

Disappointed,
Allen Waters

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