By Court Sullivan

I've ignored plenty of “speed breakers,” “speed bumps” and even the slightly larger, “speed HUMPS.” But never have I braked for anything like the “speed plateaus” at my school. You actually have to drive onto, not over, these unnatural road formations. Each one consists of its own on-ramp and exit ramp, linked by a section of road long enough to elevate your entire car.

Yesterday, my friend got mad at me when I brought in a small coke from the food court to class. It turns out he was baffled by the fact that I could be so ignorant that I wouldn't buy a medium for 10 cents more. Then today, I overheard this girl sharing a revelation with her friend while filling up her cup with sprite. She was saying how she never realized that each successive size is only 10 cents more than the next.

So, what can we learn from all this? Bigger is, in fact, better. When presented with the dilemma of building a hill or a mountain, build a giant cell-phone tower on top of the Himalayas. When choosing between a small, medium and large drink, never buy a small…because fuck man, a medium is only 10 cents more!! And it totally reflects on your manliness!