Buncle: A bad uncle. A buncle might let you drown, or he might let you stay up past your bedtime. Oh, it’s always a rollercoaster with a buncle!
Barnuncle: A barnacle uncle. Commonly moves around by clinging to the bottom of ships. Technically a crustacean!
Junkle: A scrapyard uncle who loves nuts, bolts, and the dirtiest old rust buckets this side of the railroad tracks. Go ahead, ask your kid’s junkle to babysit—your kid’s coming home with three busted-up microwaves and a Camaro on cinderblocks. That’s a junkle’s guarantee!
Chunkle: A thick and chunky uncle. Catchphrase: “There’s more to love with a chunkle!” May also move around by clinging to the bottom of ships.
Dunkle: A pool-based prankster uncle. Dunkles don’t care about pool-based-prank-related injuries. Dunkles are nuts for ‘em!
Funkle: An uncle who loves fun.
Funyunkle: An uncle who loves Funyuns.
Gunkle: A gay uncle. Let’s use it in a sentence: “Hey, that gunkle keyed my car!”
Youngcle: This uncle is young, and that’s his main deal. He’s always saying, “Can you believe I became an uncle at 17?” Like it’s so unbelievable that his sister has a toddler. She’s nine years older than you, Bradley! We believe it!
Sunkle: An uncle, typically a former barnuncle or chunkle, who perished during a transatlantic voyage. As commemorated in the old sea shanty “Fare thee well, poor sunkle/your bones on the sea bottom lay.”
Punkle: An uncle whose punk phase has not yet ended. Will dress your child in a Black Flag onesie for chillingly few likes on Instagram. Not to be confused with a Punckle, i.e., an uncle who puns mercilessly.
Drunkle: An uncle who drinks. Are you an uncle who drinks? You might be a drunkle! Sorry. We don’t feel good about breaking the news to you.
Thunkle: An uncle who thinks and has thunk. If anyone can crack the case of why all those uncles have drowned while clinging to the bottoms of ships, it’s a thunkle. (Thunkles also love Funyuns, but not as much as Funyunkles, obviously.)
Plunkle: Do you hear the quiet plunking of a piano key from down the hall in your ornately decorated mansion? That might be a plunkle! This type of uncle is almost always a ghost.
Lunkle: A lovable lunk of an uncle.
Onecle: An uncle who is the One. Typically too busy to babysit, but good at bending spoons with his mind.
Trunkle: This uncle is always lugging around a mysterious trunk we’re never allowed to open. He’s always saying, “Can you believe I have this mysterious trunk?” Like it’s so unbelievable that he has a mysterious trunk. We shop at the same bazaars as you, Bradley! We believe it!
Clunkle: Clunk! This type of uncle makes a metallic sound when you hit him, and he can also keep food cold inside of his body. A clunkle is strange but convenient.
Runcle: An uncle who loves to run. Even when he’s sleeping, the runcle runs.
Arbunkle: Is your child’s uncle Jon Arbuckle from the cartoon strip Garfield? Then he may be an Arbunkle! May also move around by clinging to the bottoms of ships.