Is your refrigerator running–

Don’t hang up, don’t hang up!

Ma’am, your wariness is completely understandable, but I am genuinely asking about whether your refrigerator is operational. There is no punchline, there is no gag, of that I can assure you. We take these phone consultations very seriously. I simply need to inquire about the functionality of your fridge because there has been a recall of some NiceIce Co. products.

What’s my name? Sigh. I am associate representative Janus. Hubert Janus. You can call me Hugh–

Don’t hang up, don’t hang up, DON’T HANG UP!

Yes, alas, it’s an unfortunate name, but it’s no prank. In fact, it’s a family name and one I treasure as a link to my late grandfather. So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make a mockery of his memory while I, out of the goodness of my heart, try to evaluate whether your malfunctioning refrigerator is going to explode.

Okay, it probably won’t explode. I’m just a tad frustrated. I didn’t ask for this life, but here we are… Why don’t I quit? Well, the truth is, I’m a little down on my luck at the moment and really need the paycheck. Us Januses actually hail from a very wealthy family, but because of political instability back in our home country, I cannot access my vast fortune. Sigh. Okay, this might sound a little outlandish, but I happen to come from a long line of Nigerian royals–

DON’T HANG UPPPPPPPP!

No, I don’t want your help. Give me a break. As if a single wire transfer from a random middle-class American could disrupt the complex geopolitical situation in Abuja. Get real… Fine, I forgive you. But one day I shall leave this NiceIce call center behind, be re-installed on my ancestral throne (my birthright as an exiled prince), and rule benevolently as King Hubert XVII of House Janus. You’d do well to remember that while I run through your refrigerator’s performance checklist…

What temperature does the internal thermometer read? Mm hm, mm hm… And is it still producing ice cubes? Mm hm, mm hm, very good… Sigh. And would you mind accessing the control panel and checking the updog?

DON’T HANG UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!

Sorry, sometimes I forget I’m talking to a layperson. In the field of cryogenic appliance maintenance, updog (Unified Pressure Differential Oscillating Gradient) plays a critical role in regulating subthermal flux between condenser coils and evaporator units in high-efficiency refrigeration systems… What did you think I was talking about? Well that would be rather juvenile. I’m starting to think you don’t even want me to fix your fridge!

Listen, ma’am: No funny business here. Honest. I’m just a simple man (that is, a temporarily displaced Nigerian prince with a funny name who pays the bills by inspecting appliances via telephone) earnestly asking you about your refrigerator’s updog.

I see. Well, it sounds like your fridge is in tip-top shape. Sorry to bother you. No, really, that’s quite alright. Believe me, far from the first time this has happened. Now, before I go, would you mind completing a brief, five-minute customer survey– Oh, what’s that? Your patience is running out?

Well you better go catch it.