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Cole F.M.

School

Other

Hometown

Somewhere in Ohio

At a Glance

I get in trouble for hanging out by elementary schools and occasionally cover myself in honey and punch bees. I make words for the internet. If you want me to make words for you, just ask. I have a lot of free time.

Bio

None of you really care about this.

Column




A wordsplosion of idiocy and advice so profound, you'll be left winded and wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

My Czech Post Office Nightmare

The following is a true story, and the conversations are posted as close to verbatim as possible, as much of the talking was in Czech, and it's just a silly language.
May 18, 2013
5 Laws and Legal Rules You Should Know About

Some of these are legal misconceptions, others are things that might land you in a prison cell next to a guy named Fuckmissile without you having any idea why.
May 9, 2013
How to Politely Screw with Customer Service by Phone

I had no idea if my computer even HAD a warranty. But when have I ever let logic stand in the way of berating someone undeservedly for the sake of comedy?
May 2, 2013
The Time I Accidentally Climbed a Volcano

"Oh my dear sweet literal fuck that is a volcano I am on a volcano oh fuck a volcano is steaming under my feet and I am not a lucky person I am going to die!"
Apr 24, 2013
8 Terrible Shows AMC is Guaranteed to Green-Light

AMC made a show about competitive taxidermy. Which means they will literally accept any show in the world. So here are my pitches for their next fall lineup.
Apr 14, 2013
Six Workout Myths Busted

Before you diet, pump iron, or arm wrestle trains, there are a few myths about working out that I, as the pinnacle of human perfection, must warn you about.
Mar 31, 2013
The Nerdiest Way to Get Drunk

I didn't want just ANY kind of deliriously drunk, I wanted to get Video Game Deliriously Drunk. Here are my personal experiences with nine gamer cocktails.
Mar 21, 2013
I'm Going to Kill Lions in Africa, Just Watch

I wanted to eat a lion, but I felt the primal need to get my hands on one myself. And there's only one place I could to that: so I flew to Sudan as a missionary.
Mar 12, 2013
How to Get Away with Shoplifting in Cross-Dress vs. Street Clothes (For Men)

How to shoplift (as a man) while dressed, in normal, male clothing vs. wearing a frilly pink lace bra and absolutely fabulous crushed velvet leggings.
Mar 7, 2013
Held Up in Morocco

I didn't want to listen to this Moroccan guard, but he was the kind of person I tend to listen to. The kind of person who carries a large gun.
Feb 25, 2013

Comedy Articles


Stuff You Know About Cooking That's Actually Bullshit
Sometimes I hear my friends expound on cooking tips they've heard somewhere before and I think, "Well, that's not right." Here are six common cooking myths.
Feb 16, 2013


You Don't Even Know Why You Like Game of Thrones
I cannot sum up Game of Thrones as anything other than, "A bunch of people, mostly assholes, who just stand around talking to each other while wearing fur."
Jan 18, 2013


The Complete Lunatic's Guide to Cheap and Illegal Alcohol
It has been brought to my attention that sometimes people get sober. Mostly because they don't have enough money or brain cells left to take drinking to the next level.
Nov 21, 2012


The Complete Lunatic's Guide to Raising a Baby
Babies are the worst. But now you accidentally have one (please say it wasn't on purpose), and I'm here to help you deal with the screaming little poop factory.
Oct 16, 2012


Not-Your-Mom's Guide to Eurotripping on a Budget
If you've been holding back on the trip of your dreams because you couldn't muster up the money, then you don't have any more excuses. Here's how to eat, sleep and travel cheap.
Sep 10, 2012