Cole F.M.




Somewhere in Ohio

At a Glance

I get in trouble for hanging out by elementary schools and occasionally cover myself in honey and punch bees. I make words for the internet. If you want me to make words for you, just ask. I have a lot of free time. If you want to buy my current word-book "Wizards and Hard Drugs" then you can read about dicks and explosions (and even learn my REAL name).


None of you really care about this.


A wordsplosion of idiocy and advice so profound, you'll be left winded and wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

The 8 Weirdest Things for Sale on Goodwill Online

A huge part of the reason you don't see very many truly good items in Goodwills is that they all get taken and put on an online auction house in the vain of a shittier eBay.
Jun 18, 2016

German is a Lazy Language

I get that a lot of languages sound silly when translated literally, but German really takes the cake. Here are ten hilariously adorable German words into English.
May 3, 2016

5 Shitty Truths About Doing "Storage Wars" in Real Life

When someone stops paying rent on a storage unit, the storage facility doesn't just keep the stuff in there forever, they auction it off to the unluckiest bidder.
Mar 22, 2016

Six Stories from Working at a Southern Thrift Shop

I work at a thrift shop. If it isn't clearly stated by word of law that it is illegal to sell something, we will slap a price tag on it and try to convince you that you need it.
Feb 26, 2016

The 7 Most Important Cosplays

Some of these cosplays are "sexy," some of them are damned impressive, but all of them are just cool to me. And that's what makes this list important.
Feb 12, 2016

7 of the Most Stupidly Expensive, Recently Sold Items on eBay

Ebay's most useful feature, outside of actually buying and selling things, is the "highest first" price filter for item searches. Welcome to the lifestyles of the rich and dumb.
Jan 30, 2016

Why Donald Trump's Hair Should Have You Worried

Donald Trump can afford good-looking hair, yet he chooses to walk around looking like a joke. This isn't a sad fact, it's a well-designed political power move.
Jan 15, 2016

9 MORE of the Nerdiest Cocktail Recipes

I've decided to come to you once again delving into the world of nerd-themed alcoholism, while holding out hope that scientists create an artificial liver soon.
Sep 27, 2015

6 Popular TV Shows I've Never Seen, Summarized

Some of the most popular shows on TV right now, and of the last couple years, I've never seen, and likely never will. Here's what I think they're about though.
Jul 8, 2015

1,000 Ways to Say Penis

These penis terms came from my brain, others' brains, and all over, and now they've all gathered here, to be gazed upon by you in all of their stiff, veiny glory.
Jun 21, 2015

56 Porn Search Terms, Analyzed in Real Time

The people over at PornHub decided to get together and throw all of the porn search terms accrued from all of their sites and just stream them live. Enjoy!
Jun 8, 2015

The Clusterfuck Saga, Part 3: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

Just like my last surgery, this one was scheduled to run between 60 and 90 minutes, but wound up clocking in at just under 300.
Apr 29, 2015

The Clusterfuck Saga, Part 2: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

The surgeon had to call in heads of two medical departments to figure out what the hell to do. The agreed solution? Just ram the bone in and put the metal back on.
Apr 21, 2015

The Clusterfuck Saga: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

I suck at climbing stairs so much that I break bones and get sent to the hospital with an ankle so fucked up it requires MULTIPLE surgeries... the German way.
Apr 15, 2015

5 Solid Facts That Prove the World is Actually Getting Better

The world is nowhere near as bad as everyone says it is. It can't be, otherwise we would all have exploded by now. Here's a bunch of awesome shit happening.
Dec 4, 2014

A Homeschooled Guy Answers All Your Homeschool Questions

What little pop culture airtime us homeschoolers get doesn't exactly paint us with the best colors, so I understand why people have some preconceived notions.
Nov 3, 2014

3 of Life's Greatest Mental Roadblocks: Racism, Astrology and Your Attitude

Anything that makes a person not change for the better when they can, and should, is dangerous. Astrology is a prime example of finding a scapegoat for your issues.
Oct 2, 2014

6 Cover Songs That Blow the Original Away

Cover songs usually suck. And if you disagree, then you're either wrong and ugly, or ugly and wrong. But these rare gems blow the original song out of the water.
Sep 8, 2014

Simple Recipes to Impress the Person You Want to Bang: Amuse Bouche

Amuse bouche is a chef's specialty that's served before the actual meal in order to get the audience revved up for the gastronomic journey sure to follow.
Aug 27, 2014

An Asexual Guy Answers All Your Asexual Questions

While the world tries making a constant pilgrimage to my groin, I will turn every last one of them away unsatisfied. Because I don't experience sexual attraction. At all.
Apr 21, 2014

5 Things You Didn't Know About the Legal Weed Market in Colorado

Before you pack up your Phish CDs and attempt to grow out your ridiculous white person dreadlocks to move to Colorado for legal marijuana, heed this advice.
Mar 5, 2014

Simple Recipes to Impress the Person You Wanna Bang: Puerco Pibil with Rice

Puerco pibil is Spanish for "pork whatever the hell pibil means," and it's basically a super slow-roasted pork, marinated in the best damned spicy sauce you'll ever taste.
Feb 20, 2014

7 "Natural Ingredients" You'll Wish I Hadn't Just Told You About

What if I told you that the "natural ingredients" you're eating on the regular include beaver butt glands, sand, human hair, and mashed up beetles? You'd throw up.
Feb 3, 2014

Douchebags of History: Thomas "Puppy Killer" Edison

Thomas Edison exuded hatred, greed, and asshattery like a dead, bloated walrus exudes postmortem gas buildups. That is to say, constantly, putridly, and smellingly.
Jan 21, 2014

Simple Recipes to Impress the Person You Wanna Bang: Prosciutto-Wrapped Stuffed Chicken

First off, take your chicken breasts, giggle appreciatively at their name for a moment, then cut them in half the thin way. Oh this is going to be GOOOOD.
Jan 6, 2014

6 German Words That Will Make You Giggle

Amidst all the grammatical confusion, there are a few wonderful German words thrown in to help alleviate the stress, and simply make you giggle.
Oct 4, 2013

Why I Crossed Four Countries to Play a Video Game

Traveling is pretty nifty. You get to visit exciting places, meet interesting people, eat exotic foods, do unique things, and play hella video games. Wait, what?
Sep 17, 2013

8 Good Reasons to Move to Germany

Free higher education, student discounts, lax ID requirements, and whoa, is that a giant swimming pool IN a river?! Welcome to Deutschland.
Aug 26, 2013

7 Problems You Should Consider Before Moving to Germany

So far it's been the giant waterfall of beer and drunken escapades you would expect as an American living in Germany. Still, there are a few things you should know first.
Aug 7, 2013

Chuck America and the Terrorist Chase, Part II

Chuck America and his Truck of Flaming Patriotism (But Not in a Gay Way), along with his bald eagle Springsteen, take on the terrorists while cops give chase.
Jul 8, 2013

Chuck America and the Terrorist Chase, Part I

Chuck's grip on the 18-wheeler tightened as he used his free hand to polish off another Miller Tall Boy. This was America after all, and he was after terrorists.
Jul 6, 2013

You Don't Have to Be 21 to Buy Raisin Bran... Right?

For you who don't know, Jewel-Osco is sort of like a Walmart, except with less stuff that isn't food. And they are assholes.
Jun 27, 2013

Down and Dirty Travel Tips for Guatemala

Guatemala is still a third world country, but it's gotten a lot less murder-y in the last decade, and has become quite a popular destination for backpackers.
Jun 12, 2013

My Czech Post Office Nightmare

The following is a true story, and the conversations are posted as close to verbatim as possible, as much of the talking was in Czech, and it's just a silly language.
May 18, 2013

5 Laws and Legal Rules You Should Know About

Some of these are legal misconceptions, others are things that might land you in a prison cell next to a guy named Fuckmissile without you having any idea why.
May 9, 2013

How to Politely Screw with Customer Service by Phone

I had no idea if my computer even HAD a warranty. But when have I ever let logic stand in the way of berating someone undeservedly for the sake of comedy?
May 2, 2013

The Time I Accidentally Climbed a Volcano

"Oh my dear sweet literal fuck that is a volcano I am on a volcano oh fuck a volcano is steaming under my feet and I am not a lucky person I am going to die!"
Apr 24, 2013

8 Terrible Shows AMC is Guaranteed to Green-Light

AMC made a show about competitive taxidermy. Which means they will literally accept any show in the world. So here are my pitches for their next fall lineup.
Apr 14, 2013

Six Workout Myths Busted

Before you diet, pump iron, or arm wrestle trains, there are a few myths about working out that I, as the pinnacle of human perfection, must warn you about.
Mar 31, 2013

The Nerdiest Way to Get Drunk

I didn't want just ANY kind of deliriously drunk, I wanted to get Video Game Deliriously Drunk. Here are my personal experiences with nine gamer cocktails.
Mar 21, 2013

I'm Going to Kill Lions in Africa, Just Watch

I wanted to eat a lion, but I felt the primal need to get my hands on one myself. And there's only one place I could to that: so I flew to Sudan as a missionary.
Mar 12, 2013

How to Get Away with Shoplifting in Cross-Dress vs. Street Clothes (For Men)

How to shoplift (as a man) while dressed, in normal, male clothing vs. wearing a frilly pink lace bra and absolutely fabulous crushed velvet leggings.
Mar 7, 2013

Held Up in Morocco

I didn't want to listen to this Moroccan guard, but he was the kind of person I tend to listen to. The kind of person who carries a large gun.
Feb 25, 2013

Comedy Articles

Stuff You Know About Cooking That's Actually Bullshit
Sometimes I hear my friends expound on cooking tips they've heard somewhere before and I think, "Well, that's not right." Here are six common cooking myths.
Feb 16, 2013

You Don't Even Know Why You Like Game of Thrones
I cannot sum up Game of Thrones as anything other than, "A bunch of people, mostly assholes, who just stand around talking to each other while wearing fur."
Jan 18, 2013

The Complete Lunatic's Guide to Cheap and Illegal Alcohol
It has been brought to my attention that sometimes people get sober. Mostly because they don't have enough money or brain cells left to take drinking to the next level.
Nov 21, 2012

The Complete Lunatic's Guide to Raising a Baby
Babies are the worst. But now you accidentally have one (please say it wasn't on purpose), and I'm here to help you deal with the screaming little poop factory.
Oct 16, 2012

Not-Your-Mom's Guide to Eurotripping on a Budget
If you've been holding back on the trip of your dreams because you couldn't muster up the money, then you don't have any more excuses. Here's how to eat, sleep and travel cheap.
Sep 10, 2012