Home > Writers > Mike Lamb

Mike Lamb

School

East Carolina University

Class of

2000

Hometown

Greenville, NC

At a Glance

Artist, writer, and a drunken lunatic prophet.

Bio

Mike Lamb was born in a burning hospital over 300 years ago in Siberia. He was raised by wolves until the age of twelve. His hobbies include listening to Black Sabbath records backwards and throwing people through windows. The planet Pluto was originally named after him as a hoax, and the status of "planet" was subsequently revoked as punishment after scientists discovered that he was masquerading as a mythological diety under false pretenses. He has also written a dark comedy horror novel entitled Jack's Inferno, and enjoys making disturbing paintings of his own acid flashbacks.

Column




Like being tied up and thrown into a windowless van made of dark comedy, fueled by psychotic drunken tales of sex, drugs, and the apocalypse.

THE ASIANS ARE COMING!!

What about the Chinese countries besides North Korea? How dangerous are they? Are they our enemies? Here we'll examine nine potential Asian invasions.
May 12, 2013
We Need Another Oil Spill

When it comes to the horrors of nature, there is absolutely nothing more terrifying and deadly than the treacherous oceans that engulf our planet.
May 6, 2013
Up Yours, Mars

That's right, NASA sent a rover millions of miles away to Mars to etch-a-sketch a giant dong all over its stupid face like it was passed out drunk at a frat party.
Apr 29, 2013
Screenplay for a Slasher Film

Astronaut Killer is lurking in the bushes. Dumb girls giggle while doing cartwheels in short shorts and no bras. Astronaut Killer is watching, breathing heavily.
Apr 20, 2013
Why the Hell Would You Take Your Children to See Evil Dead?

The first thing you should know about the remake is that it's not a comedy. The second thing you should know is that IT'S NOT FOR CHILDREN, YOU SHITTY PARENTS.
Apr 8, 2013
Frankenturkey: A Thanksgiving Book Report

From Betsy Haynes, critically acclaimed author of a bunch of dumb shit my girlfriend reads, comes this chilling thrill ride masterpiece of absolute crap from the year of our lord, 1994.
Nov 17, 2012
50 Shades of Butt Rub

The Sexy Adventures of Bad Byron, for lonely housewives. Not at all endorsed by the manufacturers of Bad Byron's Butt Rub® Barbeque Seasoning in any way.
Aug 14, 2012
Freud vs. Freud: A Psychological Experiment in Dick Jokes

We accidentally made two clones of Sigmund Freud, so we put them in an empty room and recorded the conversation. Somehow this must be relevant to academic psychology.
Jul 27, 2012
The Inflammatory Political Quiz

Tired of your tax dollars paying for other people's birth control because you're not having sex with them? Or was it because of that thing someone said in the Bible somewhere?
Jul 2, 2012
Four Signs of the Rapeocalypse: Boris Vallejo Unicorn Porn Edition

Gather round, ye puny mortals! For we are the eternal gods of future fantasy and forgotten fables, and we bring you tales of the Rapeocalypse!
Jun 8, 2012
The Time I Accidentally Started a Religion Because Facebook Doesn't Get Sarcasm

When asked to describe my religious beliefs when I first joined Facebook, I simply typed the sentence, "It involves spaceships and LSD." Now I'm the founding prophet.
May 31, 2012
My Hollywood Reboot Wishlist

We need to stop raping my childhood by trying to remake awesome movies I loved growing up, and start remaking the ones I don't give a shit about.
May 25, 2012
Drug War Heroes: An Interview with Mickey Wolf

The following is a transcript from the weekly radio talk show American Heroes, hosted by Jonathan Gaylord. It has been edited for content by the FCC.
May 17, 2012
Brent Vanguard's Rapeocalypse Insurance Program

Do you like your body? Do you like it un-violated? Would you like it to stay that way? The Rapeocalypse is on its way, and you need to start preparing right now.
May 10, 2012
Stealthy Ninja Sexual Triggers

Are you longing for sexy good time with hot lady? Are you grow tired of bad rejected because girls no like? Change your life! Learn becoming sex ninja in three easy steps!
May 5, 2012
An Appointment with Dr. Hack

Nothing like a good southern trespass to get you going first thing in the morning. Go ahead and drop your pants around your ankles and get on all fours like a dog.
Apr 26, 2012
The Make-An-Unreasonable-Wish Foundation

The Wish Master Charity is an exciting new non-profit tax racket designed to bring joy to terminally ill children with totally unreasonable and often physically impossible demands.
Apr 16, 2012
Global Warming 2: Satan's Revenge

Where has Global Warming truly gone? It is not dead, but dreaming. It lies in wait to punish the wicked. The Bible clearly states that Global Warming is the product of Satan.
Apr 9, 2012
Jesus for President

Look, marriage is all God this and God that... well guess what: I AM God. So you can either marry ME or you can go screw yourself and die alone. All marriages are hereby banned.
Apr 1, 2012
10 Classic Things Every Awesome/Terrible Movie Should Have

Next time you're watching a bad movie, turn it into a drinking game by taking a drink every time one of there's a part featuring one of these 10 classic scenes.
Mar 20, 2012
Whitney Houston is Smoking Crack in My Kitchen

We're responding to a 911 call by a local homeless man named Copernicus Thunderbird. He claims that the ghost of Whitney Houston is stealing his crack cocaine.
Feb 29, 2012
The Birds and the Bees

Your son needs to know about sex, but for god's sake at least get him drunk before you use his mom as example material.
Jan 29, 2012
Christmas with the Kardashians (Black Tar Prophecies, Vol. 2)

My name is Copernicus Thunderbird, and we're all fucked if Christmas goes down the way I think it will. What you need to understand is that the Kardashians are going to destroy Earth.
Dec 21, 2011
The Complete Fucking Idiot's Guide to the Black Market

So you'd like to become a rich, oversexed druglord/arms dealer, huh? Well welcome to the internet, where you can buy and sell drugs, get laid, and hire assassins with ease!
Nov 16, 2011
Fuck Wall Street, I'm Occupying Your House

I want to sleep on your couch naked. I want to drink all your beer and puke in your laundry basket. And I want to cut holes in your family photos and have sex with them.
Oct 27, 2011
Adventures in Phone Sex, Part 2

Okay, so we're in the woods on a picnic and we start making out and stuff. You're rubbing my boobs and biting my neck. Then I take off my dress and get naked and smear honey all over my body.
Oct 5, 2011
Beware the Dork Knights of Dragon Con

On the business end, Dragon Con is a gathering of some of the brightest artists, actors, writers, and film-makers in the world of fantasy and sci-fi. On the crowd end, it's pretty much nerd Halloween.
Sep 19, 2011
Presidential Rap Battle

Republican heavyweights Dick Cheney and John McCain make a spirited bid to take over the White House by challenging Obama to a rap battle. What they didn't count on was the Democrats' secret weapon.
Sep 7, 2011
Explaining the End of the World to Children

If there's anything I learned from the Cold War, it's that you're never too young to be a paranoiac. Isn't it time you sat down with your kids and had a nice long chat about global annihilation?
Aug 26, 2011
True Horse, Season One

If there's one thing we've learned about girls of the new millennium, it's that they love vampires... and horses. Introducing the too-stupid-to-fail TV show that cashes in on both!
Aug 16, 2011
Brent Vanguard's Fantasy Camp for the Tragically Poor

Brent Vanguard's Fantasy Camp for the Tragically Poor is a regular hobo heaven, designed by cutting edge architects to mimick the perfect ghetto utopia.
Aug 5, 2011
Adventures in Phone Sex

Okay. So, um...you're all alone in the motel room. You're sitting on the bed. You're watching porn and you're starting to get hard. And those dwarves are just tearing that bitch up. There's seven of them.
Jul 27, 2011
Secrets of Hentai Porn Stars Revealed!

Brent Vanguard's Six Demon Bag Cock Power Penile Enhancement System contains ingredients like powdered unicorn horn, centaur semen, and dragon wang that will give you a monstrous trouser snake!
Jul 5, 2011
The Four Bridesmaids of the Apocalypse

The bridesmaids surround me, watching like hawks. Gossip and Promiscuity trade whispered secrets as they stare at me. But I was too busy staring at The Bride. In horror.
Jun 22, 2011
E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven

Ladies, tired of making babies the old-fashioned way? What a hassle! With the E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven, you can create all the babies you want in less time than it takes to make an omelet!
Jun 17, 2011
Homosexual Chickens Petition Chick-fil-A

Believe it or not, we here at the Church of Satan for Homosexual Chickens don't mind that you slaughter chickens to feed the masses. But why the fuck are you closed on Sunday?
Jun 10, 2011
The Secret History of the National Yogurt Association

Due to recent civil lawsuits, we here at the National Yogurt Association have been forced to make public certain classified information regarding our operations. This is not pleasant.
Jun 3, 2011
Congratulations to This Year's Rapture Winner!

Congratulations to Timothy Richardson of Baltimore, MD for winning this year's big Rapture lottery. Don't worry, there's another one coming during the 2012 Mayan Madness Festival!
May 24, 2011
The Secret of Cosmic Voodoo

What is Cosmic Voodoo? It's magic! And where does magic come from? Space! And what controls space? Science! And what's more powerful than science? Voodoo! Cosmic Voodoo!
May 19, 2011
Sluts are Awesome

I like everything about sluts: their slutty clothes, their slutty conversation, their slutty company...the whole slutty package. I am strongly pro-slut and fully appreciate the Zen of the slut philosophy.
May 12, 2011
Escape from Detroit (Black Tar Prophecies, Vol. 1)

Listen, people of Detroit, I know you think having a statue of Robocop is really cool, but I have a dark vision of the future! Robocop shall be the seed of your undoing!
May 2, 2011
Nicholas Cage, Ladypuncher

I've been out of the bear suit for too long. I owe it to the world to make 'Wicker Man 2.' The wait is almost over. Get ready, people: the bear is back.
Apr 21, 2011
To the Manager of Motel 666: This Ghost Rape Will Not Stand

Dear Sir, I've been a tenant in the dumpster of your motel for two months now, and I can't take the constant brutal ghost rape anymore. I'm suing you for $100 million and a handjob.
Apr 14, 2011
Lunatic Stripper Fantasy Land

There are certain types of films that exist for one purpose only: to be enjoyed on a purely visual level, preferably muted with White Zombie playing. Suckerpunch is that kind of movie.
Mar 31, 2011
The Burger Kingdom is Your Destiny

Ready for the fast-paced exciting world of fast food? Burger king is looking for new talent! Fill out this application to get started right away!
Mar 25, 2011
Copernicus Thunderbird's Zombie Scholarship Program

Attention zombies: Do you have the survival skills necessary to rise to the top of the food chain? Make the most of your undead life. Enroll in Copernicus Thunderbird Zombie Institute today.
Mar 18, 2011
An Open Letter to the Mayor (Concerning the Alien Invasion)

My name is Copernicus Thunderbird and I'm writing this letter because you are in grave danger. The legions of the Super Astronaut Deathlord are on their way to kill you and rape your wife.
Mar 10, 2011
My Spirit Guide is a Racist

Because I'm 1/16th Cherokee, and because being white isn't particularly mysterious or exotic, I often find myself asking, 'How can I be more Indian-like?'
Mar 3, 2011
The Troll's Guide to Internet Comedy, Deluxe Expansion Pack

Congratulations on upgrading to the Gold Edition for only $49.99! Don't bother clicking the back button, I've already hacked into your bank account. Now get to trolling, dick-bumper.
Feb 23, 2011
Applying for a Government Grant (Involving Minotaurs)

Dear Government, I need a $500 million grant to breed minotaurs. What can minotaurs do for the economy? Think manual labor, gladiator fights, warfare, and pornography.
Feb 14, 2011
Cocaine & Satan: Childhood Memories of the 80's

When you try to go back and analyze bits and pieces of the 80's—clothes, music, pop culture—it's like someone dropped a bomb full of crazy-dust on the whole country.
Feb 4, 2011
Childcare Alternatives for the Morally Bankrupt

So you were too lazy for an abortion, and now you've got an unwanted baby. What do you do? Here are some ideas. You're not going to like them.
Jan 28, 2011
The Troll's Guide to Internet Comedy

You know what I really hate? Jokes. If you're a troll like me, you probably hate them, too. We're not here to read your clever bullshit, we're here to rape your comment page.
Jan 19, 2011

Comedy Articles


The Pert Plus Crystal Meth and Napalm Challenge
I've recently been asked to endorse Pert Plus shampoo to you, the Pointsincase.com reader. Unfortunately, I was also told immediately afterwards NOT to endorse them as soon as I pitched this contest column idea.
Oct 4, 2011