How a Simple Bottle of Perfume Can Make You a REAL Man

The whiskey shotgun motorcycle daisy recipe.

Due to perfume's combustability, it's the perfect fuel source for any fun fire. While womanly to the vagineth power, perfume also has the ability to make you smell like another woman has been on you. Or, that you have been in another woman, thus making it a dangerous tool in your manly ARSEN-al.

Man spraying perfume on his bodyFor our recipes for a manly, firey death, we have:

Man Level 1

"The Cuban Missle Spritz"

By soaking the tip of a fine, Cuban cigar, you'll be able to quickly light the tip without that bothersome turning. Unfortunately, this may taste unpleasant, but the taste of your cigar should quickly replace your mouth with that leafy, burnt-tire, pallate-pleasure. Bill Clinton tested, Mother approved.

(Caution: May be poisonous, numbnuts.)

Man Level 2

"The Flamethrower Fragrance"

A good man knows that when you disperse particles of combustible material, it's like reliving 'Nam--in the good, Apocalypse Now, way. Spray a mist of this stuff across a match or lighter and watch your best friend's hair and face go up in smoke and/or tears. Great for impressing your other friends at bars or circuses!

Man Level 3

"Get Her Chanel Number 518-9307"

Using the girliest-smelling perfumes, we men are simply able to attract women. That is, by making it appear as though other women find us attractive, we're able to attract and bang more ladies. As we all know, women like men who other women suck off. A little feminine scent on your collar will bring the ladies to the table like country helpings draw the KKK to a lynching!

Man Level 4

"Ode de Dragonette"

A fearsome beast, the dragon is scared away by the use of a scented liquid in conflagration. All you need is a broom, a lighter, and a bottle of perfume. By using the perfume and lighter to ignite the broom and handle, a dragon will scurry off, wondering, "What kind of man uses perfume as a fucking weapon?" He may tell the story differently to his friends, but who gets the princess?

For bonus points, kill the bastard with this stick of fire.

Man Level 5

"Off with her head"

Combining the preceding levels, as a final act, a man must then use the bottle of perfume as a Russian Daquiri (known as the Molotov Cocktail).

There are, however, other circumstances to using this mixed drink of death. First, once the dragon has been scared off after Man Level 4, the princess who has been held captive by the dragon must be saved and ravished. Within that fortnight, this dame must lose her virginity to the man who has completed these tasks.

When the king and queen protest, say that their daughter has been violated by a man of ill-birth, you must run off with the princess and marry her in the Land of Vegas. After such, you may now, finally, throw the Molotov Cocktail in the chamber of the King and Queen. With a little luck, you will kill them in a hot, bottomless pit of pain and suffering and this will establish your rule.

To achieve ultimate man status, place your own Totalitarian Monarchy-of-Evil in place. After, of course, you reap a male heir and publicly decapitate that worthless Queen.

We give perfume:
2 Whiskey Bottles (you should be a little toasted to do this)
1 Shotgun Shell (you can do this without being pissed off at all)
1 Motorcycle Helmet (you can do this without much death or dying involved)
Daisy Award: Two Daisies (rarely impressive)

Death. Is.
Better. Than.
Life. When.
A. Husband.
Takes. A.
Wife.

Calvin. Klein.


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Ok, but owning a kitten can still never be justified as manly.

"Wonderful Darling, do me a favor and get actual pictures of daisies, whiskey bottles, shotgun shells, and motorcycle helmets. Remind me to add you to the list of males who are likely to killed your first wife."

...owning a kitten could manly, if Mr. Gaudio was manly enough to prove it.