How to Tell If Your Girlfriend is Lying
Use this litmus test strategy to find out if your girlfriend is a lemon.
>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
February 21, 2007
I’ve been told it’s salty with a hint of lime, and relatively smooth for a smoker.
You’ll get that joke at the completion of this article! Don’t skip ahead, fuckface.
It’s common knowledge that, physically, men are much more capable than women. It’s why your mother asks you to open the pickle jar, and why your girlfriend asks you to pick her up and fuck her against the greasy rest stop bathroom wall. They just can’t measure up with their lack of testosterone.
That said, one thing I will whole-heartedly admit is that, on average, women are much more cunning than men. They have to be. Instead of brute strength, women are able to get out of things with their intellect—or if applicable, their big, supple tits.
Don’t believe me? Go to your local classroom and see how many fucking retarded dudes there are in comparison to girls. The ratio isn’t even close. That’s not to say that women are smarter, because we all have our own little niches. Men have math, science and logical thinking. Women have knitting, frying, and conception of child. Also, there are many more male geniuses than female geniuses; so, men in essence set the spectrum. Unfortunately for most of us, women fall on the smarter end of that scale.
"Look at your girlfriend, why is she smiling? She’s smiling because she has you… duped."
And because women are so crafty, they tend to get away with a bit more in the realm of lying. I, for example, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie. I’ve sure as fuck tried, mind you. It’s just that I have several “gives” if you will. For example, if I’m lying to a girl, I tend to get nervous and I punch her in the kidney.
So that’s the problem we have here, gentlemen. Women are better liars. But not for long. Using my newfound strategy, you can quickly find out if your girl is a lying slut.
Tell me how Nick!
The first stage in any sort of process is to admit the problem. So, first, come to it dumbass. Your girlfriend is a woman. As such, she’s a lying slut. If you didn’t find her in a magazine or encased in three feet of ice, your girlfriend has typical American values: she wants riches, big dicks, and a dude who isn’t a pussy. By dating her, in some way, you’ve already admitted some iota of defeat. She’s on the prowl because we can’t all be a Fonz-Bill Gates hybrid. Though, I’ve been known to jump over diamond-encrusted sharks on my motorcycle.
2. Use your friend “logic.”
An analogy: my cat likes the taste of grape jelly. Let’s say I made a jelly sandwich with intentionally too much jelly and ate it without my pants on, knowing full and well that the grape jelly would drip on my cock while I ate it. Let’s say my cat came by and started licking the jelly off my cock. It wouldn’t be okay for me to say to myself, I’M JUST EATING A JELLY SANDWICH. I’M SO DISTRACTED I CAN’T FEEL THIS CAT LICKING ON MY COCK! Would it? (The state of West Virginia sure as hell made it clear that it wasn’t!)
So, when your girl goes to a frat house without you and gets drunk, she has no excuse when she comes back to say that they “forced” themselves upon her. If this happens, say, “You don’t jump into a fucking bear cage with picnic baskets strapped to your vagina, do you?”
3. You were hypothetically fucked in the ass with a rusty screwdriver.
When she’s lying, your girlfriends’ ovaries produce hormones that increase the “hypothetical” portion of the brain. If the words “what if” have ever come from her mouth, the preceding noun-verb clause is a blatant lie. “What if I didn’t cheat on you?” is a surefire giveaway. And what if what you accuse her of is totally false? You can always masturbate.
The other possible phrase here would be “What would you do if I...” If she doesn’t follow that with “lick your nuts while I jerk you off,” feel free to say, “I’d fucking kill you, that’s what I’d do. I’d kill you and your fat mother and it’d be fucking tasty.”
4. Listen for “lying slut” keywords.
The day after your nights alone, ask: “So, honey, did you have fun with the girls last night?” Stop. If her answer has any of these words: boring, didn’t, party, kiss, bathroom, or the mention of a man’s name; she’s lying. Unless she says, “It wasn’t at all boring. I didn’t have any inhibitions at the party, so I kissed Bill’s cock in the bathroom.” I suppose then you can give her points for honesty. But check to see if she has grown a penis. Then, feel free to discard the body.
5. Confront her.
Being a bitch is not an answer.You’ll always have to confront your woman when she’s lying. There’s really no way around that. And generally, women act like a cornered raccoon when it comes to confronting them about their lies. Just remember, if her mouth is foaming, consult Animal Control and stay a safe distance away.
6. She kissed another girl while you weren’t around.
If you weren’t there to watch or participate, her kissing a girl is fucking cheating!Don’t let her convince you otherwise. She was either doing it for attention of other guys, or she was lubing up her tongue with another girl’s spit before she cleaned her wooly carpet.
7. Guilt her into telling the truth.
Let’s say you know that your girl is lying. Or, at least, you remember what I told you about all women being soul-eating whores. This tactic is a risky maneuver indeed. First, you’ll probably have to spend money. Second, you’ll probably have to lie yourself. Third, it takes a lot of patience, because a lot of women are too fucking scared to admit to their problems.
Though, if you can be so fucking cordial that she admits her transgressions, sobbing and clawing at your khakis for forgiveness, you’ll be able to do the following:
- Sit with her, maybe twenty minutes, saying how it’s okay that she cheated/lied/etc.
- Then, start kissing her neck in a comforting fashion.
- Move to the bedroom; commence fucking.
- Quickly cum in her hair, pick her up and toss her on your stoop.
- Grab a megaphone, open your window and shout “Free used pussy! Free used pussy!” until the nearest van of Mexicans drives up and kidnaps her.
With a little luck, they’ll finish the job. (Mexicans are a very industrious people.)
8. Recognize “The Signs of Lying.”
Many of the tools you’ve read here have been mainly based on lingual ability in catching her lies, after the fact. Sometimes, this just doesn’t work. Sometimes women, no matter how hard you try with your tongue, just won’t come (around). In these cases look for the not-so-obvious signs:
- Books by male authors
- Lipstick shades that you don’t like
- Coffee cups filled with water beside her bed
- A douche (you wear a condom, don’t you?)
- A browser history with this website on it
- Bruises on her asshole
9. She wears a thong to work.
Women are lying when they say thongs are comfortable. Simply put: they wear thongs to show off their ass. Ask yourself this, should she be trying to show off her ass when you’re not around?
Hell no! She should be wearing granny-panties when you’re not around. Her panty-lines should be visible from space. She doesn’t need to attract anyone now; she has you, so I suggest confiscating her sexy lingerie until you deem it appropriate for her to wear them. Also, feel free to give them a few smells to make sure she hasn’t stolen them and used them when you weren’t paying attention.
10. The Sting
Look at your girlfriend. Why is she smiling? She’s smiling because she has you… duped. You sit there, you buy her nice things, and then, when you part ways for the night, she goes to another guy’s house for a hot beef injection. You’re her fallback. You’re her shoulder to cry on. You’re her bitch, man.
So enough. You’ve tried all of the other things I’ve said here to no avail. She hasn’t uttered a word countering her original sentiments. She’s an airtight vault. But there aren’t riches in this vault, dear friend! There are still only lies!
Now what are you going to do? Are you going to continue this travesty or are you going to have the most satisfying revenge of all: catching her in the act.
This is relatively easy, if you have more than four friends and a pair of binoculars. First, set up your friends on her daily route. Then, at the end of her route, tackle her, duct tape her to a pole and beat the answers out of her with a golf club. I prefer Titleist, but with all the money I save on girlfriends, I can afford a nice set of clubs.
Abraham Lincoln once said, “No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar.” He’s right. And if you don’t know it by now, women remember everything, especially their lies. Try to remember a time in which she couldn’t tell you what she wore on your 4th date, or a time in which she couldn’t tell you what song was playing when you had your 8th kiss. Think about that before you snuggle up and waste two hours on Notting Hill. And, fine, if you still want to kiss her after all of this, I’d like to ask you just one last thing: How does my cum taste?