“You’ve got the bloody right.”

Redwings. If you’re not familiar with this celebrated social term, you really need to take your head out of your ass. I’m not wasting my time explaining it, so go to urbandictionary.com or something. And though I realize I could have explained it in the sentence it took to insult you, I’m just that kind of guy. (Hey, you stick around despite the fact that I treat you like a piece of shit.) So, if you’d please forgive the upcoming pun, let’s dive in.

I love kinky shit, including (but not limited to) blindfolds, whips, chains, most small mammals, ice cubes, candle wax, oils, lotions and other various scented liquids, but I’m still not really sure how I feel about redwings, or even the process of getting them. I’ll be honest with ya, I am not Count Dracula; drinking the blood out of a woman’s meat chalice isn’t appetizing.

However, if you’ve yet to do it, you only have to stop and think about it for a minute: blood in any other case is something you just don’t want to deal with. It carries all sorts of fucked up pathogens that could kill you or make your balls itch for eternity. But pussy juice does as well, so whatever she’s got, you’ll probably get anyway. Not the brightest outlook on STDs, but hey…it’s better than the unbearable agony of virginity. Don’t believe me? Just ask Justin Rebello.

On the other side of this issue’s labia, redwings offer a temporary salvation in the sexual world. Instead of patiently waiting a whole fucking week so you can gorge on smelly panty-esophagus, you’re able to get your lick on, with relatively no hassle. More than that even, redwings are a rite of passage. In my culture, they’re akin to smashing a Mexican’s head in with a hammer, or learning the Torah if you’re a young Jewish boy—you gotta do it if you want to be a man.

So with all of that said, I might as well tell y’all that I’ve got my redwings—three times over, actually. And like I said, I’m like most guys when it comes to tongue in pink transfusion: I don’t think it’s great, but I consider it something that all males need to go through. Subsequently, I feel obligated to give y’all a few of my tips to getting your redwings.

1. Prepare for naysayers.

Your friends, family and clergy might not agree with redwings, but as the opening quote of this essay indicates, you’ve got the bloody right. So don’t hesitate to tell Pastor Mike to go drink a bottle of Windex and piss in a bucket of bleach. And don’t forget to explain to your little brother the importance of sexually exploiting women. He’ll thank you once he hits puberty.

2. Do your research.

If you’re dead-set on sucking the egg out of a woman’s uterus, you must first at least know that she’s menstruating. That bitch must dislodge. You could be sucking between her thighs and only end up slurping out her gull bladder. If you wanna know why and when to do THAT, you’ve gotta go somewhere else; this isn’t a guide to getting your bilewings, you sick little fuck.

What’s more, you might wanna make sure she isn’t pregnant. Choking to death on a first trimester fetus is the last thing you want. Trust me, I’ve lost too many friends to CFTFS.

3. Get her really drunk.

This tip is two-fold.

First, if you’ve had her guzzle enough hard liquor, her BAC will be so high that her ovulation will taste like a mixed drink. Here’s a Nick Gaudio exclusive tip: a little hot sauce and some celery sticksgo a long way.

Second, she’ll probably be too disoriented to tell you not to tongue-fuck her because she’s menstruating. If she’s drunk enough, she’ll even want you to do it. Just make sure you have consent. I personally don’t give a shit, because I believe that redwings are a right, but I’ll warn you now, cops disagree. If they show up the next day and you have blood crusted down the side of your chin, they’ll probably run some sort of DNA analysis, to which you can’t exactly say, “Wait…how’d that girl-I’ve-never-in-my-life-met’s blood get on my beard, in my teeth, and under my fingernails?”

Also, because she’s drunk, and in most (if not all) states a drunk girl can’t give verbal consent, have her sign this waiver:

I, __________________, consent to allow [Your Name] to insert his tongue into my vagina during my menstruation process (The Act). I am a dirty whore, and as such, I will enjoy The Act thoroughly.


4. Lick her bowl clean.

So you’ve got her spread-eagle on your bed, drooling and moaning your name. You’ve come this far, buddy, I’m proud of you. I just want to remind you that many men don’t have this opportunity. Because of this unfortunate fact, you need get your redwings for them all.

Now, I want you to ram your tongue into her cervix, then stick your face so far up her tract that you can smell what she ate for dinner. I want you to be able to explore the mysteries of the vagina with a chisel and a flashlight. Keep in mind, she’s there, naked. She obviously wants you to do it.

In the words of Dylan Thomas, “Do not go gentle into that good pussy.”


5. Expect the unexpected.

If you’ve got a broad tongue and apply enough pressure, she’ll probably clot up. Add a bottle of rubbing alcohol and an ice pickto your Redwings Emergency Kit.

If you’re good enough at cunnilingus, and you’ve got a squirter on your hands, be prepared to get a little blood in your eye. I wouldn’t go so far as wearing a pair of goggles(they’ll probably steam up), but be on the lookout for it.

And remember, though vagina blood isn’t flammable, it will put out your cigarette.

6. Clean up after yourself.

Pretty self-explanatory: wash your sheets, buddy. You don’t want the next girl thinking that you’re some sort of freak.

Ina gadda da vida, baby. 😉

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.