The Baddest Religion Ever Created

Last week I brought what many of my intellectual contemporaries agree, was the motherfuckin' rukus. I dropped proverbial, borderline literal, bombs on y'all with Part I in my series "The Final Solutions," in which I present vastly complex and delicate social issues like a collection of glass menageries. I then present my tire iron of solutions, and with giant, seemingly reckless swings indoors, I carefully dissect each frail glass unicorn statuette, returning it to a far less faggy state of colorful and dangerous raw material that I will let someone else clean up because I am not a maid.

Michael Jackson steps on the Devil
What's black and white and all over red?
This week we examine the gayest glass unicorn of them all: religion.

The Final Solutions, Part II: Making a Better Religion

A new poll on religious affiliation in the United States finds that the fastest growing population is the secular or non-religious community. And who can blame them when sorting through the litany of unimpressive supernatural options.


A former Heavyweight Religious Superpower fighting to keep its steeple above water. The last influential Catholic was Teddy Kennedy and he killed a woman in a drunk driving accident. The Pope was in the Hitler Youth and sometimes, just sometimes, priests fuck children. The most common rebuttal to this is, "Only some priests fuck kids." But I would argue that "only some of the time" is not an acceptable condition when talking about pedophilia.

Catholic priest teaching young kids in a church
"Don't worry kids, statistically speaking, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about."
Do some car mechanics rip people off? Yes, and three trips to Jiffy Lube, $4000, and two flux capacitors later, I've become suspicious of my own mechanic, Karl. But I still need to bring my car to Karl because I don't know how to replace my flux capacitor; in fact, not even the manufacturer knows what it is. Now if I took my car in and Karl decided to fuck the exhaust pipe instead of fix it, I probably wouldn't take my car back there, and a car is arguably far less important than a child. I will say, in terms of things, as a society, we want to protect from getting sexed with the most, children are number one with a bullet, followed by pets, then oven mitts, pillows, hats, anything you put your hand or face on, and then maybe expensive electronics susceptible to water damage i.e. iPads, studio mixing boards, or the control deck of a helicopter.

So "only some" is not exactly a glowing endorsement of the church and hardly something to put on the community board in front of Saint Michaels: "Come One Come All: Only Some Priests Fuck Kids." So Catholics are out.


4 Mormons with helmets on fixie bicyclesThey took Jesus and made him American. It's rather brilliant from a marketing standpoint. Unfortunately, they are creepy in a short haircut, sweater-with-khakis-during-non-holiday-events sort of way. Not to mention it's a racist organization, and when you sift the minorities—the spice—out of the flour, you are left with just white bread. And with most white people being Christian or smart, there aren't too many Bobs, Toms, and Kathys left to indoctrinate. So based on low capacity, Mormons are out.


Islamic woman with an 'I Have a Bomb' sign on her back
The Middle East version of "I'm With Stupid."
Wildly popular in the Middle East but when the PR campaign in the U.S. for your religion is, "We promise, only some Muslims are actively trying to blow people up," well, I think I've made my point clear about "only some of the time."

None of these suffice, and if you are to take control of a country and wish to promote productivity, adhesion to law, and improve the general morale of a people, you will need some sort of religion and specifically, in the United States, we need something people will love, easily recognize, and that is seriously bad ass. Nay, perhaps just bad.

Michael Jackson as Jesus painting
All hail the King of Pop, the Lord of Men, and the Confusion with Women.
This is why I suggest we immediately adopt Michael Jackson as our nationally mandated Lord and Savior. He possesses all the necessary qualities of deity, he's a globally recognized icon, he can perform miracles (moonwalk), and he is frightening beyond all measure.

As a culture, we need a Lord who speaks English, has awesome outfits, and can dance like a motherfucker. I think that goes without saying. Also, just think about how fucking sweet church would be. It would no longer be the chore people dread on Sunday mornings. It would be on Saturday nights and when you walk in the door, the tiles light up as you step on them. No more shitty organ music: "Fuck no, I don't need the hymn book, ‘Billie Jean' is my fuckin' anthem, son!" And the preacher, instead of "Father" or "Rabbi," will be called "Tito"; he (or she) will resemble Tito Jackson, bedecked in gold sequin suits with the finest Jheri Curls.

Imagine how much more profound and awe-inspiring the sermons would be: "Now we read from the book of Bad, Track 13. ‘And no message could have been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, then make a change.' This in the name of the King, can I get a ‘Chep ched-ep dat ah, oww!'"

And I know what you are going to say, and yes, Michael Jackson touched kids... but only some of the time.

C'mon, one more:

You KNOW you're gonna hear from Grandmom about this.

I'm torn. I was expecting a "newer and sexier bible" instead; all you have done is expose people to the preaching of "the King". The bible has been removed completely: the "good Samaritan" has been replaced with a "smooth criminal", walking on water with moon walking, and Marry Magdalene with Billy Jean.

Although it is not what I expected, it was effective enough to control much of pop-culture in my lifetime, and therefore is probably sufficient to control the masses of any state. And it is much sexier and newer.

Is there a part III?

Bill Dixon's picture

When I wrote "To be continued.." on the last column I didn't really know what I was going to write about. In fact the Part II thing was an afterthought.

I went through the Bible and decided to rewrite bible quotes and added editors notes with an absurdest perspective but it became clear very quickly it was too preachy and not funny and maybe a little sad...which is actually what a lot of my columns look like anyway i.e. Facebooking My Biological Father.

And I would argue that in the United States pop-culture is the only culture.

I have an Idea for Part III, why don't people comment or email me on what they would like the next Final Solution be.

What's a social, political, or environmental issue that could use broad sweeping reform?

Andrei Trostel's picture

I would like to suggest that this be sung at the start of every Jackson sermon.

Bill Dixon's picture

That is horrifying...but I guess he shouldn't have slept in the same bed as children.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

The absurdity of religion is amazing. Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John didn't write their testaments until fifty years had gone by. Sometimes I'll forget what is said to me five minutes ago and most mornings I can barely remember that the night before I wept myself to sleep because I realized my wife has never wanted to fuck me. But people believe that the words in red letters are the actual words spoken by Jesus. I don't buy it.

I would like to start of by saying I am not islamic. I am a white kid from Canada with no religion. But I just want to point out that the stereotype that Islamic people blow shit up is really stupid. The only reason people associate islamics with terrorism is because of 911. Now i'm not trying to force anyone into believing something but if you do some research, you can see that 911 was clearly an inside job. The goverment set up 911 so that they had an excuse to invade Iraq and try to destroy the religion on Islam. But that is a different story. Research the illuminati.

Bill Dixon's picture

A couple points,

Kyle (I don't know if your name is kyle but for our purposes, it seems fitting.) Kyle, please shut the fuck up. All stereotypes aren't accurate, that's why we call them stereotypes and not fact. I don't actually believe that all muslims are terrorist. In fact at the end i suggested we make Michael Jackson a God. It's an absurdest perspective, Kyle.

We invaded Iraq for oil not to destroy a religion.

And it's not clearly an inside job. What is clear Kyle is that you are a retarded person.

Research the fucking Illuminati? Yes, Kyle, that's what I will do. By the way, research is defined by observing data, not watching youtube videos. Kyle, you strike me as the outspoken one in your 11th grade social studies class. I bet you smoke cloves and wear ironic t-shirts. Now you have seen some 9/11 Truth videos and read a wikipedia page and now you have surmised the entirety of social constructs, history, philosophy, American foreign policy and now you sit in your lunchroom, "No you gotta see this video, dude, there is no way that a plane could have doe that to the pentagon."

It's in our nature to think things are more elaborate and fantastic than they actually. It's very intelectually rewarding when we think we have figured something out when we put together pieces of a conspiracy.

unfortunately, good instincts get wasted on shitty ideas and youtube.

Take a look at the United States, Kyle. Specifically The Bush Administration. Do you know how I know it wasn't an inside job? Because it fucking worked.

Kyle, research delusions of grandeur.

I love you, please keep reading and tell your friends.

I believe in Aliens.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Here is my cynical paranoid rant.

The NFL was in on the conspiracy. Why else would the Patriots miraculously win the Superbowl in January 2002 after the most famous blown call of the century. Think about all that red, white, and blue ticker tape falling from the stadium ceiling and tell me it wasn't rigged.

Bill Dixon's picture

I know nothing about football, Weimer. Next time I run into you at Second City, you can explain sports to me.

I want to put together 50 minutes on sports and just do sports comedy. Like some less obscure Dennis Miller shit.

I'm going to need help.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

I'm starting the writing program in January. I'd explain sports to you but I'm afraid that it would be like having a DM explain the inner workings of the Orc mind. If you're not interested enough to figure it out then you'll be bored as fuck.

Suffice to say that sports are the original reality TV program. It's a bunch of mindless people with great abs being filmed trying to accomplish simple goals with a larger goal in mind, none of which is significant in any way.

It's also like religion in that children are indoctrinated into liking it before they can really choose for themselves if they want to participate in it. The difference is that being obsessed with a sport isn't as destructive toward others as being obsessed with any religion. Plus, sports supply more exercise than a Pentecostal worship service with snakes.