Top Ten Most Annoying Drivers

Do us all a favor and get the fuck off the road.

Few things in this world annoy us more than idiot drivers. I don't know what it is that gets our blood boiling so much since we've all been "that driver" at some point or another. Well, you all have been that driver, not me, because I obviously drive impeccably, like Einstein himself was behind the wheel. Yeah, okay, that is a terrible example because Einstein was probably a very distracted driver, constantly in thought, solving physics equations in his mind, but shut the hell up and go with the analogy.

You would think that we would all have more patience for our fellow drivers, but we don't, and somehow we truly believe that they are the stupidest people on the planet... that is until we've driven a block and found the actual stupidest person on the planet driving some other car. Here are the top ten most annoying drivers that I have encountered on the road.

1. The Loving Anarchist

Hey, you know why most of the time we can get from point A to point B without a fifteen car pileup? Rules, that's why! There are fucking rules to the road you're supposed to follow, so nothing is more annoying to me than reaching a stop sign AFTER you and having you wave me on like I even remotely have the right of way. It's like someone just short circuited all order to the universe and I immediately start running scenarios in my mind of what would happen if an accident were to then occur if I accepted your ridiculous reality, since technically I would be the one doing the wrong thing.

Fuck you, just go! It's your goddamn right of way and I'm okay with that. You know what I'm NOT okay with? You trying to get me to do something I'm not supposed to be doing, simply because you're an idiot.

Car taillight on Ferrari
Fuck the Rules of the Road, I'd rather just crash into shit, but with love.

2. The Angsty/Polite Adult

We've all been there: two people come to a stop sign at an intersection at the SAME EXACT time. I'm talking about a photo finish where you would need the breaking of a laser beam across the road to determine who really got there first. The social rule is, whoever gets waved on first goes, but because you haven't seemed to grow out of that "no one can tell me what to do" hormonal phase, even though you are 43 years old, you have to wave ME on in response. Or maybe you're just so overly polite that you can't bring yourself to go before anyone else, but then what are you doing in front of that other car behind you?

Fuck you, just go; I waved you on first, don't fucking wave me on back trying to seem polite when you're really just causing a big cluster fuck game of "No you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go!"

3. The Old Ingrate

Sometimes you're sitting in gridlock traffic and some old timer wants to desperately change lanes or pull out into traffic and it's clear that if you don't let them, they will likely die of old age still sitting there. So I do the polite thing that NOT A SINGLE PERSON BEFORE ME DID and let them pull in front of me.

Now I know people say you're not supposed to do things for other people expecting something in return, because doing something kind is its own reward... to those people I say, fuck you and your Leave It to Beaver ideas. If I let you pull in front of me in this sea of stopped cars, thus allowing you to move one inch a year closer to your home, then I have essentially saved you a serious percentage of your remaining life. I mean let's face it, that's how fast you were planning on driving anyway, so at least have the common courtesy to give me a "thank you" wave.

Just so you know, if I lose my shit and start ramming people with my car, I am ramming your rude old ass first, following the same "age before beauty" criteria as I did earlier.

Old man driving a car
If young people today are so rude, how do you explain your freakin' behavior?

4. The Road Warrior

I get it, you're used to a dystopian world where you can drive for days without seeing another person, but newsflash, you aren't in that world yet. I know that our existence is terribly inconvenient for you, but I don't appreciate the shitty look I get for putting on my turn signal, slowing down, and making a normal right hand turn. Sorry I didn't have the extra time this morning to plan my route without ever making any right turns... EVER. I guess having to slow my car's velocity to make a turn is a by-product of NOT driving 200mph ALL THE TIME. Please bear with me while I make a normal turn and also try and not have a goddamn aneurysm that you had to use "that other pedal" next to the gas pedal—it's actually there for a reason.

Gladiator driving a chariot
Newsflash, you're actually the one driving like a humongous asshole!

5. The Spaz Parker

You've seen it. We've all been behind them. They pull into a parking space but can't seem to make the turn so they stop and back up a millimeter and then try again. Nope, still can't seem to make the turn, perhaps backing up another millimeter will help. Nope, clearly this is going to take 3 millimeters more....

Of course the rest of us can clearly see that they could have easily made the turn the first time with two feet to spare between them and the other car. For fuck's sake people, when you go home tonight, stop by your local hardware store and purchase four tall driveway reflectors. Put them at the four corners of your car when it's parked and then get in your car and make a mental note where the four corners of your vehicle ACTUALLY are, because I guarantee you they are ALL about two feet closer to you than you think!

6. The Concerned Materialist

This is the douchebag who takes up four parking spaces in order to ensure that there is no chance of anyone dinging or scratching their precious car. Newsflash asshole, by taking up four spaces you are actually INCREASING your chances of getting your car dinged, scratched, keyed, fully dented by the heel of my foot, window broken with an easily concealable ResQMeTM safety tool, tires slashed with a utility knife, etc. I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't have done... er... I mean... none of that stuff would have happened to your car if you parked in ONE parking space like everyone else.

ResQMe car tool
ResQMeTM from asshole materialistic drivers. "SMASH!"

7. The Getaway Driver

This is the asshole who has to back into every parking space, or even worse, pulls through a parking space into another one. Look, unless your vehicle actually has "POLICE" written on the side of it, there is nowhere you have to be THAT fast that you have to pull PAST a space and then back into it for a quick getaway later. If you pass a space in a parking lot then you have officially forfeited that space and are now backing into me, the guy attempting to park in the space like a normal person.

The one exception to this rule of course is if you're on a street parallel parking and the person who parks front end in first is the asshole. Look, I don't make the rules people, I'm just the one telling you what an asshole everyone thinks you are.

8. The Rushed Patient Driver

People usually notice this person as a pedestrian. You'll be standing on the edge of a crosswalk where there is NO street light, waiting for an appropriate "I won't get killed if I cross now" space between cars, and all of a sudden a car comes screeching to a halt in a cloud of smoke and burnt rubber, landing halfway into the crosswalk. The driver then smiles and waves you across the street.

Look, I appreciate that you understand who has the right of way in this situation, but you have the right of weight AND you just demonstrated yourself to be a bit of a crazy and unpredictable driver. Who knows what you're going to do when I reach the middle of the intersection? One of the voices in your head might just tell you to gun it and I really don't feel like flying over the hood of your car today.

Plus, sometimes pedestrians time their crossing to coincide with the cars actually passing them by the time we get there, so you don't need to stop if you could have already been home and eating dinner by the time I got anywhere near your car. It's nice of you and all, but still fucking annoying, So why don't YOU go ahead since you're clearly in such a hurry anyway.

"No you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go! FUCK!"

Car in pedestrian crosswalk
You know that stop line BEFORE the crosswalk? It has a purpose.

9. The Dyslexic Turner

Hey, wanna know something cool? When you turn the wheel of your vehicle to the left, the car actually goes left. In addition, when you turn the wheel of your vehicle right, the car actually goes right. Oh hey, just out of curiosity, why the fuck are you swinging left to then go right and vice versa? Don't you realize you're giving other drivers a heart attack by swerving your car into them to make a turn in the opposite direction?! Ever notice that every time you make a turn, someone seems to be honking their horn to let you know that you're about to side swipe them for no apparent reason? Yeah, all that honking actually means something, in that you are a shitty driver and you should quit this dyslexic turning shit.

Trust me, that whole "turning the wheel the direction you want to go" thing actually works. Also make sure you actually turn into your fucking lane when you turn, you are NOT supposed to turn into another lane other than the one you were in, dumb-ass.

Correct right turn diagram
You are NOT supposed to change lanes in an intersection!

10. The Texter

Fuck you! No seriously, you can fuck right off! While we're at it, anyone driving and on the phone without a hands free device can fuck right off too! In addition, using your speaker phone ISN'T hands free if you're holding the phone to your mouth like you're trying to reflect the sun's rays onto your face for a quick tan. Trust in the technology and put the speaker phone down. Besides, the person on the other end is wondering why you're yelling at them anyway. Nobody likes you. Everyone hates you. Put your phone away and just drive your fucking car, asshole.

Jennifer Anniston texting while driving her car
That's it Jennifer Aniston, we are no longer Friends.

So there you go, the Top Ten Most Annoying Drivers. It should be noted that these are MY top ten most annoying drivers; I'm sure the rest of you have your own ideas of what annoys you most about other drivers while on the road. Feel free to treat the comment section below as your own personal road rage rant sounding board, and remember, drive safely.



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Jimmy Sticks's picture

Bravo Andrei! I addition to these 10 i would like to add the following
1.People who drive 10kph (GO THE METRIC SYSTEM!), then all of a sudden, speed up, then alternate the two. These drivers funnily enough share the same route and have the love for the same lane as you

Funnily enough Mum (Real English!) is #8. People walking across the road and she continues to drive up and onto the pedestrian crossing, while violently yelling some colourful language at the people telling them to hurry up. I find it funny until she starts yelling at me.

Defs sharing this!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh that's a good one. We'll call that one the Schizophrenic Driver. I'm behind that person constantly! It's the inconsistency that's the worst and the feeling you have to hover over the brake pedal just in case they flip personalities on you.

Yeah the shitty looks from the person sitting ON the crosswalk always cracks me up too. Like the pedestrians are in THEIR way even when they are actually at a red light.

As always, I appreciate your comment, thanks Jimmy.

How about this one as an addition?

The Selfish Shithead
The person who pulls out of traffic into an exit lane in order to skip ahead 5 cars only to get stuck trying to sneak back in thus screwing everyone trying to legitimately exit.

Molly Williams's picture

Love it, I laughed so hard my dog peed herself. After spending a year walking to and from campus a million times a day, I've seen and probably screamed obscenities at all of these. I think the ones I hate the most are the people who are trying to turn into an apartment complex, see me half a block away and wait for me to get there and cross while a line forms behind them. It's either people who don't know how to drive or guys who want to hit on me, and either way I don't want them there while I'm crossing.

It took me an entire semester, but I have perfected a death glare that can convey both "you're going to stop now so that I can cross the freaking street" and "if you're still there with that leering smile when I get to the crosswalk I'm going to kill you." It works on everyone except that one bitter old woman with the minivan who hates everyone under the age of 60.

I'm actually about to go get my driver's permit renewed for the third time (insert women can't drive joke here), so I'm sure I'll be several of the annoying drivers. Definitely the Spaz Parker. My driver's ed teacher made us learn to parallel park between the SWAT cars at the police station, which kind of just made me paranoid. He also made us drive him to his doctor's appointments. And wore fishing-themed shirts every day. God I hated him.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Molly (and Tessa, I always appreciate it when I can make someone laugh so hard they pee, even if only by straight up fear that their owner has finally lost it.)

I've seen that too and as someone constantly running mental statistics on observations, I can say hands down that it happens WAY MORE with attractive women as the crossing pedestrian. I suppose as annoying as that is, there is some solace for you in that observation. At least you know you've still got it if you can disrupt the flow of traffic from half a block away.

Wow parallel parking between SWAT cars, that's hardcore and intimidating to say the least.

Evelyn Liu's picture

I am drivers number 5 and 9. I do not belong behind the wheel of a car. I have, on one occasion, accidentally made a U-turn when I was trying to do a left turn. I have also done that swervy thing driver number 5 does. And occasionally I end up on the wrong lane because I turned funny. That's right. I am a menace.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Wow you are a menace, but at least you can own it. The worst is when people fall into multiple categories, but convince themselves that they are great drivers. At least you know you are a menace Evie.

;)

I was number 10 until I totaled my car. Touche, I guess this asshole had it coming to her.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Well hopefully you didn't get hurt, or hurt anyone else. At least now you can text/talk to your heart's content...on the bus.

;)

Then there's the driver who has just GOT to be ahead of everyone - similar to the Road Warrior. This is the guy/gal who will weave in and out of traffic in the race to be the first in line. You can be doing the speed limit between rush hours and all of a sudden, this particular asshole comes out of nowhere, just about climbs up your tailpipe, before deciding to just about flying past you. I always have a good laugh, because I am fond of saying, "Well, if that rumored speed trap is around here, that guy/gal'll find it for us." Of course, my brother also laughs his ass off when someone likes to pull that one on him, only to be caught by the red light, right in front of us. "Yep, all the fuss was worth it. You're what, two feet in front of me?"

Andrei Trostel's picture

YES! We'll call that one The Inch Worm because they seem to think a few inches makes ALL the difference in the world...and they are most certainly a worm. Good one, thanks for posting it.

How about The Godawful Goose which is the person who honks at EVERYTHING? You are sitting at a red light and the other light turns yellow and this jackass is already honking at you to go!

Another good one George Carlin actually pegged in his Cars and Driving routine, was the one who always leaves his turn signal on - then, you're afraid to go around him, "No, he may go at ANY moment," only to find out later that he was going around the world to the left.

My dad was guilty of that - never turned off the damned signal unless he needed to indicate that he was making a turn in the opposite direction. Of course, considering his opinion of all the assholes on the road, it might have been some sort of unconscious revenge he was inflicting on those other assholes, wondering WHEN he was finally going to turn left.

Then, of course, is the dope who turns his/her signal on, after she or he's already in the middle of their turn.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yes, that is a good one. We called that one the The Idiot Indicator down below.

What about the person I like to call The Reverse Psychologist who seems to put the car in reverse for no apparent reason without ever actually backing up? It scares the shit out of me to see those backup lights come on (and stay on) making me hover my hand over my horn, just waiting for any movement.

Okay, bad pun time, but I can't figure out any other way to state it - maybe the Reverse Psychologist somehow thinks you're riding his ass - even if you are the safe distance away from him - and does that to freak you out and make you back off?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha Yeah, I've considered that, but I tend to usually maintain a safe following distance and thus don't give people a reason to try and freak me out. I've also seen people do it with no one behind them, but never actually backing up. I think something else is going on here, but haven't quite figured out what it is yet.

GE's picture

This is the type of article that genuinely scares me when I think about the possibility that I'm wrong and god does exist.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Why is that Weijore?

GE's picture

It was the bleak realization that I'd have to read this shit for eternity.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm sorry you didn't like it. Perhaps you have just lost your sense of humor altogether since others seemed to enjoy it.

GE's picture

Actually I was giving you an example of a joke.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh.

Um...

(looks around awkwardly)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

:P

Hey Weijore, you must have a great example of an annoying driver (complete with colorful descriptive name).

Let's see what you've got...

GE's picture

I actually wrote a piece just like this one after driving five thousand miles but I couldn't come up with any good jokes so I scrapped it. It was nothing but a near endless sarcastic set-up with no punchlines that came off like I was a whiney bitch. It must be one of those famous coincidences that you'd write basically the same article.

Anyway, my article was focussed more upon the way people drive rather than how they park.

The drivers I hate:

This fucking India guy that entered the highway crossed six lanes without signaling and parked in the left lane like he owned the damn thing. If I met him I would scream at him, "the left lane is not a Subway; it is for passing only... a little more cucumber."

Captain purple PT Cruiser drove up confidently to my blind spot then fuckin hovered there for an hour through Iowa. No matter what speed I drove this WASP asshole, probably transporting meth, would find his way into the one place on the road where hovering results in me imagining drilling through his skull with a small garden shovel.

There's more but I'm too lazy.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh shocker, more antagonistic remarks from Weijore.

Yawn

Go write something amazing if you hate everything you read, or just stop reading.

Somebody wake me when this pony learns a new trick.

GE's picture

Actually, I was simply complying to your edict. I wrapped accurate criticism into joke form. If you had simply wrote an article that contained any jokes, I would not have had to makes jokes that were "antagonistic." However, the truth is that I found your piece highly unfunny, extremely cliche, petty, and not containing a single joke. There was nothing to laugh at other than the fact that you wrote a terrible piece. So I wrote jokes about your piece because that's the only way I could enjoy it.

If you don't like what I have to say, write something funnier. If you can do that without telling any jokes, then you're a genius and I will give you props. Until then, I'd try writing jokes or watching professional comics tell stories. Maybe watch I Am Comic to start.

Though... Hmmmmm... I just realized that perhaps you have no need to get funnier because you have no intention of Comedy being a career. You've got your readers that are willing to enjoy what ever you put out because you bask them with creepy adoration and bad puns. And, that's all you've ever wanted out of writing. If that's true, then you've got nothing to work on or worry about; you should just keep it up because apparently there is a market for it.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Not for nothing Weijore, but I would take your criticism much more seriously if your critiques didn't contain so much animosity and personal hate attacks. In the last week alone, I've read from you:

"you're an idiot"
"you're a cunt"
"whiney bitch"
the equivalent of "kill yourself"

All under the guise of "legitimate criticism" which you are surprised I don't respond more more positively to.

It's really difficult to take your criticism as anything other than pure hate from someone with a serious chip on his shoulder about something.

Look I'm really sorry that I get under your skin so much in order to make you act this way, but like I said before, why don't you just stop reading my stuff altogether, or better yet, go write something amazing and funny yourself to demonstrate to everyone how amazing a comedian/writer you are.

It's a wonder why you haven't shown us all how it's done so we could possibly one day aspire to your standards.

I sincerely hope you find something to laugh about real soon.

GE's picture

Your reading comprehension is pretty poor, either that or you just prefer to completely misquote me for your benefit.

I did call you a cunt, but in the context of your attacks on other people's comments it's pretty accurate.

I did not say, "you are an idiot." I said, "you act like an idiot." Given your illogical attacks of people's comments, it's accurate.

I did not call you a "whiney bitch." I said my article made me sound like a whiney bitch and that your article did "basically the same" thing for you. Given that your article is whiney, it's accurate.

Lastly, I never suggested that you kill yourself. I said that if you want to avoid acting like an idiot that the only permanent solution was suicide, but you can do your best by seeking truth. What I was saying in more simple terms is that idiocy is impossible to avoid over a long time, but the best way to minimize idiocy is to focus on accurate thought. Unfortunately, because you don't possess that focus, you interpreted it as me telling you to kill yourself, which is inaccurate on your part.

I believe that any criticism that is accurate is legitimate regardless of how harsh it may seem. For instance, if you called me a cunt, that would be legitimate/accurate considering the harshness of the feedback that I've given you. After you show me why I'm a cunt, it's then up to me whether or not I want to be a cunt going forward. Do I want to be in the future what I am now? That's the dilemma that a person getting accurate feedback must go though. Unfortunately, it seems that you have been in denial of your cunt nature and thus have just gone on being a cunt unintentionally. That is, when being critiqued harshly.

Personally, I find nothing wrong with you or I being a cunt. In fact, I am a cunt for calling you a cunt (cunt is contagious like that). It's just reality, and I'll deal with it because I see nothing wrong with it. After all, you and I both have had a track record of being antagonistic and yours is much more decorated. We're cunts, deal with it.

Anyway, my opinion that you acted like an idiot was based upon your ad hominem attack of the anonymous homophobe and your inability to dismantle the critique that your article's premise was fundamentally flawed because it was hypocritical posited by the other anonymous commentator.

You had already acknowledged that you were subject to the same "LOOK AT ME" nature and that we all should focus on more constructive ways to get that attention. All you needed to do was point that out. Instead, you missed his point and busted out red herring. You changed the subject, seemingly unintentionally, to finding other explanations for the behaviors. That had nothing to do with the hypocrisy that you acknowledge in your conclusion.

Beware the red herring.

Oh and Beware the Ad Hominem. Simply because a person appears illiterate does not mean they are uneducated or dumb. They might be dyslexic or just prefer to type in short hand, or they're typing on an iphone. What is important is what's said, not how it's said.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Weijore, as always I'll take all of your points for what they're worth.

;)

J.E. Weimer that was an amazing display of short penis syndrome! The thing about guys with short penis syndrome is they are always trying to make themselves feel better about themselves by cutting other people down for no apparent reason. In the back of their tiny prick minds there is that nagging little voice constantly worrying that they can never truly satisfy a woman. If they ever do manage to get a girlfriend/wife, they'll usually lie to him about how satisfying he is or cheat on him since they have no respect for him or the way he acts towards others.

Andrei ignore this sad little jealous man, he isn't worth your time. The article was great, but don't take my word for it, just take everyone else's who doesn't seem to agree with J.E. Weimer. LOL!!!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'll thank you to not make me think of Weijore's penis no matter how small it may or may not be. Now if you excuse me, I have to go bleach my brain of any visual imagery that you have inflicted.

Oh and thank you for reading and for your comment.

;)

GE's picture

Do you realize you epitomize the argument you posited?... So welcome to the small dicks club.

BTW - I got fucked by my wife of six years last night.

Also, Andrei doesn't need pandering fans. Andrei can fucking do better than a piece with only four or five jokes. But, Andrei won't get better if nobody points to the areas that can get better. The truth is that accurate feedback can only be destructive if it is ignored or denied or if it so violates a persons confidence that they cannot carry on. And, Andrei is clearly not about to give up writing. So, I feel I can write what I see in his work and he'll be better for it. That's what I expect in return.

It's not about writing a comment he'd like to hear, it's about writing the comment he needs to hear. The only other option is to observe the errors and do nothing to correct them, which is cowardly and benefits no one.

5 3/4" - 6"

Andrei Trostel's picture

The truth is that I am becoming more and more unclear about what is "accurate feedback" and what isn't. For example, did this article not contain a single joke, or did it contain only four or five jokes? It almost seems like how funny a piece is to people changes from person to person and also from day to day within the same person given their mood at the time. Could it be that comedy is actually subjective?! Noooooooo that probably isn't true, there must be only ONE correct definition of funny that we all MUST adhere to at all times, or just fail completely. (Please note the sarcasm)

In addition, I am continually fascinated by people's definitions of what they think people "need" to hear in comments, especially in the face of commentary about getting fucked by their wife of six years last night and their penis size.

Just sayin'

I most definitely did NOT need to hear that. (More brain bleaching is in order now, so thanks a lot for that.)

As always though, I do appreciate all comments be they good, bad or in this case even a little disturbing and take each and every one of them for what they are worth.

;)

GE's picture

I wasn't responding to you, Andrei.

Andrei Trostel's picture

What's your point Weijore? Was I replying to you when you decided you wanted to go after me because you felt I was being hypocritical?

Besides wasn't it you that said in your bio, "I have no problem with writing a retort to any comment that I see as inaccurate or hypocritical. Honestly, I hope all readers have that same out look because it is only through confronting errors that we can progress." - J.E. Weimer.

It occurs to me that this whole pretentious search for truth and realism of yours only applies when it ISN'T about you personally.

For the record, the Anonymous person's comment can't really be disproved by simply stating that you got fucked by your wife of six years last night. Was their comment unnecessarily harsh and critical, yes, but you don't have a problem with that I thought?

"I believe that any criticism that is accurate is legitimate regardless of how harsh it may seem." -J.E. Weimer.

I found the Anonymous person's criticism extremely harsh (even if it was in support of me) and if you weren't being such a dick to me lately I might of spared you the humiliation of its accuracy from your own admissions.

"Sometimes I'll forget what is said to me five minutes ago and most mornings I can barely remember that the night before I wept myself to sleep because I realized my wife has never wanted to fuck me." -J.E. Weimer.

"Unsuccessfully avoiding mentioning that my wife cheated on me on the eighteenth of December two years ago." -J.E. Weimer.

Weijore, the problem with sharing too much information on the internet is that you never know when it will come back to bite you in the ass when you are acting like a cunt towards people for no apparent reason.

Who knows though, maybe you were joking, but then I wouldn't be on a high horse about what is funny and what isn't with jokes like that.

GE's picture

Honestly Andrei, I didn't think you'd go there. But I did say that I never intended to use any other support for the anonymous assertion, "you're a cunt," than your own comments.

Andrei, it's obvious which one of us is okay with vulnerability, and which one of us is also hurt.

Do you realize that time goes by and things change. My wife loves me and lusts more now than ever before because I stood by her side and admitted my responsibility after she ripped my heart out. We worked together and though we had many rough patches where I lament her decision to cheat, we are still together and probably will be for the rest of our lives. We won't always be happy, and as Bill knows, if you ask me about my marriage, I'm likely to have a horrific story to tell you, but it hurts more for us to be apart than it does to be together. That's love. Plus she plays video games like a pro, is probably smarter than me, has a cannon arm so we can play catch, and loves cute owls. What more could I expect?

I understand that you want to dig under my skin and that you'll do everything you can to hurt me because you think I'm attacking you. Really Andrei, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to show you where you can get better and some times I feel bad about the things I've said to you but when I look back I rarely find inaccuracy or malice in what I've written. There was a while when I wrote as if I were Sue Sylvester which was more insult based but on the Internet insults are empty/meaningless/cheap always gravitating for to most extreme language and subject matter and that was my choice to portray myself as a comedic villain. So I don't look back in regret about saying you're dumb or some extreme form of that. They were jokes on a comedy sight. In between my jokes were accurate observations of you or of the subject under discussion. The goal always being to stay accurate or funny no matter what. If I did that than anything I said could ultimately be constructive.

My dick is average. My marriage is fucked up. I'm not a scholar. I'm a highschool drop out with a GED. I've struggled with depression since I was ten. I've never performed stand-up. My wife didn't want to fuck me for years. I'm a twenty six year old college sophomore. I failed two classes last school year. I've never held a job for more than a two years. By all appearances I'm a loser headed no where. But, I won't hang my head. I'm compensating for something other than dick size. I'm compensating for being a failure my entire life. I'm doing something about my problems and making them my strengths. And, I couldn't do that if I were bullshitting myself about how great I am and how clueless anyone else who spoke ill of me was and neither can you.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Weijore, whether you see it or not, I've been more than patient with all your horseshit personal attacks against me which you justify as accurate "constructive" criticism. I've told you that they are tiring and played. I've told you I don't find them funny and am bored with the pretentious villain approach. I've communicated on more than one occasion that your personal attacks against me aren't appreciated. Yet time and time again you come after me with more personal attacks all the while lecturing about avoiding ad hominems, which is really the only hilarious part of your comments these days, and then can't seem to wrap your mind around why I am not more positively responsive to you. You write it off as some kind of character flaw of mine that I am not thanking you profusely for constantly attacking me with personal insults.

I've demonstrated on more than one occasion WITH YOU and with others that I am perfectly open to "constructive" criticism, but that isn't what you've been doing lately and deep down you know that. You've been coming after me and making everything personal and hateful for whatever reason with a giant chip on your shoulder. You can call it whatever the hell you like, but you are only fooling yourself if you think it is anything other than "destructive" criticism.

I have no interest in hurting you personally, but I'll be damned if I am going to take your personal attacks against me without showing you that personal attacks, however accurate you perceive them to be, are still just deconstructive and unnecessary.

It's funny how you only see it as "over the line" when it applies to YOU personally.

Now let's knock this crap off and get back to making people laugh for a change.
It's a fucking comedy website so stop taking everything so goddamn seriously all the time.

GE's picture

What is deconstructive about letting you know you act like an ass when criticized harshly? Nothing, simply because that takes nothing away from you. In fact, the only way it's not constructive is if you won't listen to that and change your behavior.

What is deconstructive about saying you piece contains, few if, any jokes? Well, if you think that means it's not funny then it could hurt, but funny and jokes are different things. A joke is a specific type of phrase that is associated with humor but isn't present in all comedy. So, it's possible to be funny without jokes. But here is the thing, you've chosen to write observational humor and writing jokes (set-up + punchline = joke) is the foundation of observational humor. So if you accept that you don't intentionally write jokes, you can learn what they are more specifically and then write them. The hope would be that your entire article would be a string of jokes because that is what the best comics (not comedians) do. Basically, you'll get better at writing ovservational humor by studying joke writing.

(Side not: joke 101 there are three parts to a joke, the set-up, the punchline, and the tag.
Set-up: Apparently, time paradox isn't the worst part of time travel.
Punchline: it's diarrhea...
Tag: and Parkinson's)

I get that you need to write material every week but I still think that if you focused more on joke writing, your pieces would become a lot funnier. Also, if you look closer at what people comment that you will see the validity of the points beyond their abusive words.

What I've learned is that jokes and criticism shouldn't go together because they come off as mean. So I must say that their is a time to be serious even when we're talking about humor. And also, when you delete things on an iPhone it sounds like a geiger counter.

Lastly, don't be defensive when being criticized, even if there is name calling. It's a terrible habit.

Is this guy for real?
Wow.
Just wow.
Relax J.E. Weimer, it's comedy not Multivariable Calculus.
Jeez.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hey does anyone else think the del operator (∇) reminds them of a vagina?

I mean it is a measure of how a function changes as its input changes.

No?

Just me?

Oh...um...never mind.

:P

Andrei Trostel's picture

Weijore, are you officially stalking me?

When you said, "Enjoy the rest of you life, Andrei" I actually thought that meant you were done.

No big deal, I just need to know so I can figure out which circle to put you into on Google+

:P

GE's picture

You wanted to discuss whether my penis size was satisfying for my wife as if that weren't out of bounds. You acted as though me calling you a cunt for acting like one toward commentators was the same thing.

Also, you yawned at being wrong.

Also, you refused to show your jokes. Justifying it by saying you didn't want to explain why something was funny as if that was really what I was asking.

It was too much wrong to correct and no way to believe if it were corrected that a new equally wrong comment would spring up. Trying to correct you is like trying to fix a cheap garden hose. Eventually you just need to find a hose that can hold water. That's what I was going to do but I really like to fix things so I was inspired to keep working your hose.

Andrei Trostel's picture

So stalking, cool, thanks for letting me know.

:P

GE's picture

Of course. For a person who's obsessed with fixing problems, you're impossible to resist.

Andrei Trostel's picture

That's good Weijore, the first step to recovery from any addiction is admitting that you have a problem.

:P

GE's picture

Also, I didn't say you were hypocritical.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Stop splitting hairs and trying to build a debate out of nothing. I said you felt I was being hypocritical.

"your article's premise was fundamentally flawed because it was hypocritical" -J.E. Weimer

GE's picture

You are supposed to put an elipsis before a quote that starts mid sentence but you aren't willing to point out to your readers that you are intentionally quoting out of context.

The quote in context, "my opinion that you acted like an idiot was based upon... your inability to dismantle the critique [from an anonymous person] that your article's premise was fundamentally flawed because it was hypocritical."

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh more debating about semantics and nothing entertaining?
Big surprise.

YAWN

LOL!!!!
I knew it!!!!
pwned!!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm too tired to get out a ruler and measure the indents in order to find out which comment this was in reply to, so let's just move on and get back to the annoying drivers.

Who's got more annoying drivers to add to the list?

Anyone?

Come on, the crazy sideshow act is over, let's get back to the business of being funny.

;)

There's a woman in my parking garage that never has enough air in her tires and every time she circles the floors looking for a space it sounds like she is dragging an obnoxious annoying little man behind her car by his tiny little penis, making all kinds of unnecessary noise the whole way. LOL!!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha O.k. I can't lie, that totally cracked me up.

We'll call that one The Deflated Drag.

What about the driver who I like to call, The Egress Aggressor who is BEHIND YOU on an exit, but exits before you and guns it, pulling right up next to you making it impossible to exit without sideswiping them or slamming on your brakes before the exit ends?

Thanks for your hilarious entry.

;)

GE's picture

Comedy is not subjective; it's a form of art.

Sense of humor is subjective.

But, jokes are also not subjective. Jokes must contain a set-up and a punchline.

The inconsistency that arose in my assertions is a byproduct of giving you credit for desicions that I had suspected you did not make intentionally. After I commented, I re-read your piece with an eye out for punchlines that followed a set-up. I generously estimate that there are four or five things that could be considered poorly constructed jokes. And, if I wasn't limited to commenting on my phone, I'd copy and paste them below. If you intionally wrote jokes, you should already know where your jokes are and be able to pull them out individually and dissect them. So if you want to settle our debate about how many jokes are in this, you can post the jokes, broken down into component parts, in a reply. Then we'll know how many jokes you intentionally included.

Andrei Trostel's picture

We aren't having a debate about how many jokes are in my article. As usual you are trying to create a debate in your own head where there isn't one.

Besides, "I think you've lost or never knew the reality that a comedian shouldn't give a shit about acceptance from other comedians." -J.E. Weimer.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Why don't you just stop reading my stuff altogether, or better yet, go write something amazing and funny yourself to demonstrate to everyone what a wonderful comedian/writer you are.

It's a wonder why you haven't shown us all how it's done so we could possibly one day aspire to your standards.

I sincerely hope you find something to laugh about real soon and stop taking everything so seriously.

GE's picture

Andrei, you can stop reading my comments. You're the one who doesn't like negative feedback. I'm fine with it. It's where the biggest opportunity for growth is found.

The original subject of this thread was your lack of jokes in this piece. But, as per usual, you've shown an inability to read accurately or shown a creative way to avoid having to prove that you know how to write a joke.

Avoid the red herring and get back on subject. Show your jokes, if you think you wrote any. That's the only sure fire way to beat my original assertion that you didn't write any jokes in this piece. Or, just say you don't think you need jokes to be funny. Because, I'm saying you'd be a lot funnier than you have been, if you took your great observations and made them into jokes rather than sarcastic rants.

You're not writing character pieces like Mike. Jokes are integral to the style of comedy you're attempting. The only things that professional comics put into their pieces are either set-ups, punchlines, or tags; unless it's a shitty catch phrase. Embrace that fact. Embrace joke telling. Get funnier.

Andrei Trostel's picture

You're confusing negative feedback with personal attacks again Weijore.

I have no issue with negative feedback or constructive criticism and I welcome it frequently, but the constant deconstructive criticism and personal attacks that you usually engage in doesn't make you a good critic or help anyone. Don't delude yourself into thinking you are doing anyone a service with the kind of "hateful chip on your shoulder" critique you've been doing lately.

Show my jokes?!

HAHA! Give me a fucking break. It isn't my job to hold your little hand and point out why something is funny Weijore. Get a better sense of humor, stop taking everything so seriously and find the jokes yourself. If you don't get them then that's your problem, not mine. Other people didn't seem to have any issues finding the piece funny.

I said it before and I'll keep saying it. Why don't you go write something amazing and funny yourself to demonstrate to everyone what a wonderful comedian/writer you are.

It's a wonder why you haven't shown us all how it's done so we could possibly one day aspire to your standards.

I sincerely hope you find something to laugh about real soon and stop taking everything so seriously.

GE's picture

Enjoy the rest of you life, Andrei.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks, you too Weijore.

;)

Fuck you, fuck him, fuck that. Great attitude. I can honestly say that I have never felt the need to take any of your points in case so personally. It's not that serious: Follow the rules of the road, use your directionals, be observant, and don't tailgate. Maybe you should slot yourself into the "angry/aggressive" driver category.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha You're right, it's not that serious. Hence the fact that it is published on a comedy website. I thought it would be funny to have a little "road rage" in an article about annoying drivers in order to wind people up. Take your own advice and don't take things so seriously. Oh and you forgot fuck her, fuck them and fuck me.

At any rate, thanks for reading and for your comment.

;)

The ones who get to me are those who turn on a turn signal then either forget or don't notice that it is still blinking MILES down the road.
I'm always half afraid to pass them.
That's my soapbox for the day.
Great piece.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thank you.
Another good addition, we'll call that one The Idiot Indicator.

How about the person I like to call Rain Man whose car is rocking back and forth at stop lights for some unknown reason? It is most unnerving to be behind this person, because you never know if he is going to roll back into you on one of his cycles of back and forth. Does anyone know why this person rocks back and forth? The only thing I've ever been able to come up with is that he is trying to find the perfect reception for his radio.

I was on a bus going up a slight incline one time that did not seem to have good brakes - so the driver would occasionally goose the accelerator to keep the bus in position - back and forth, kind of jerkey motion that made me long for a barf bag. I figured out, after a few zones, that it had to be a brake problem, because those damned things screamed like the legendary retarded banshee whenever he did have to use them, as when pulling up to a zone to pick up more passengers.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I can see maybe if the vehicle has brake issues or if they are on a hill in San Francisco driving a manual where one might roll back a little to get going. I'm talking about the ones that clearly don't have brake issues because they don't do it consistently, they'll stop the rocking and then recommence for some unknown reason.

Oh and I think I speak for everyone here when I say, "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, TELL US THE LEGEND OF THE RETARDED BANSHEE!"

;)

Actually, that is in your previous article, "I'm Buggin Over Cave Crickets." ;^P

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh, I got all excited because I thought you actually knew of some strange story/legend of a retarded banshee and since I often use that analogy thought it was something I just HAVE to hear.

I guess I'M the retarded banshee.

Hey, do you think my neighbors will tell their kids and then they will tell their kids and it will become an ACTUAL legend that appears in those Weird State books? That would be awesome!

I'm calling the authors for the next printing!

:P

Oh my god I realize now that I am both the Idiot Indicator AND the Rain Man.

The reason for the rocking back and forth (for me) is that I get nervous when I'm stopped between two cars and I don't want my car rolling back so I'll move forward a bit. And then I'll realize that I've stopped too close to the car in front and I don't want them to roll back onto my car so I'll move back a bit. And then I'll think I'm too close to the car in the rear and I'll move forward. And this goes on till the light is green.

My personal theory is that people who do this are very insecure about something or other.

Andrei Trostel's picture

My personal theory (and everyone else's too) is that people who do this are secretly envisioning having sex while at a stoplight with the cars behind them or in front of them...or both at the same time!

Actually that is just a thought to embarrass you and make you stop this annoying Rain Man horseshit at intersections. Go ahead Evie, try and NOT think about sex next time you are rocking back and forth at a stoplight, you dirty little road whore.

:P

I'm Ri of http://www.changerules.net website and I'm new here and some in the list couldn't be truer. And there's really nothing we can do with these annoying drivers, don't you all think?

Andrei Trostel's picture

No Ri of http://www.Ispamwebsites.net website, there is nothing we can do with these annoying drivers except commiserate and laugh about them while making up silly names for them.

;)

I've already given my stupid driver rant on the Asshole page. Sigh.

You never mentioned people from Utah. They're the worst drivers ever.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hmmm Utah hatred, driver rant on Oh Shit, I'm the Asshole article, must be Kathryn the ninja (lazy login) commenter. :P

I have this theory that everyone has their own personal worst driver state. Every time something happens on the road it is always someone from the same state. The problem is that everyone's personal worst driver state is different, so which state REALLY has the worst drivers?

;)

GE's picture

I'm convinced that one in a hundred drivers from Minnesota will stop at the end of an on ramp rather than speeding up.

No, really. Utah is the worst. Mostly Sat Lake, but even non-salt-lakians (?) drive like dicks. They travel through empty ass wyoming and act like it's a downtown rush hour the WHOLE time. They find the one person on the whoooolllle interstate and ride their ass. For miles. In the slow lane.

Come to the midwest and drive. You'll see. Everyone will see.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I've actually driven across the country and for my money, Ohio (despite having many lovely people) drives the worst. Every single time someone does some shit on the road, nine times out of ten, the plates say Birthplace of Aviation.

One day someone will explain to me why North Carolina plates say First in Flight. Is there some kind of dispute/rivalry there?

(Yeah sure, I can look it up, but what is the fun in that?)

GE's picture

Kitty Hawk, NC is where the Wright Brothers first flight took place.

Missy K's picture

#11. The Chick Who Can't Drive (legally) but does so anyway

description: me. Wait, you aren't working for the cops are you?!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Missy, I see handcuffs and body cavity searches in your future.

Anyone know a Virginia State Policeman who is on the take?

:P

Missy K's picture

The police can't touch this. I told you, i'm in the Mothers And Fathers Italian Association.
They take care of everything for me! Wait, did you say body cavity searches and handcuffs? I see what you're gettin at now ;D ...At least I think I do?

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm talking about a genuine moving violation.

Haha!

:P

Andrei, reminded me of how much I don't really miss driving. I'm the "I'll drive to another county as long as that means I don't have to parallel park" driver. I've just never mastered that one.

-kc

Andrei Trostel's picture

Parallel parking does indeed suck. Imagine learning it the way Molly did, between two SWAT cars in front of a police station. That's just straight up pure terror parking.

Personally, after reading this... going to get my license has lost its incentive. Sure, driving places might seem easier than walking and busing -To those for whom the noun bus has become, or been, a verb- however, I fear driving. Not because it is altogether challenging or even that frightening, in the sense that some people have motion sickness or a phoebia of motion, but because of the inbred morons that have become archetypes to our automobile world. Sometimes, you have to ask yourself... "What substance has this person been abusing to make them such an inept driver?" With that, I state the two drives I loathe the most: The Intoxicated Jack-Asses and The Sober Jack-Asses.

IF YOU HAVE HAD ANY SUBSTANCE IN YOUR BODY, DO NOT DRIVE. Now, I say this with the exception that say a SINGLE beer, or a SINGLE glass of wine more than likely will not cause any harm. Actually, in Driver's Ed. the teacher displayed a line graph comparing the number of wrecks and the amount of alcohol consumed -Starting with a B.A.C of 0.00% to I believe 0.1x%- and the graph actually showed a lowwer occurance of accidents occured with people who had a 0.02% B.A.C. I wish I could actually find or had the energy to do more research into that; however, if anyone can contradict that or has concrete evidence to the contrary I actually would appreciate it. And lets face it, people go to the bar and drink and drive all the time. To sum it up, do not endanger the lives of others. Know your limits and if you even question do not drive. That being said, that encompasses just one legal substance. I can't express how stupid an individual would have to be to go out driving on painkillers, muscle relaxants or any other prescription that comes with the very clear label "Do not operate heavy machinary while on this medication" Newsflash: A car is included into the category of "Heavy Machinary". I don't care what your excuse is, if you have to get somewhere that badly call a friend, a taxi or your local shuttle service -I dun' seen'em, they exists- Many counties typically provide them as a form of community transit and they cost about as much as bus fare does.
The inexcusable. I, personally do not care what your personal habits are in terms of recreational drugs, or if you are, a habitual drug user. Once you have ingested your substance of choice, stay put. Walk if need be, bus, but do not put your key in that ignition. The point of this entire section: Do what you will with your own body, do not endanger the lives of others by driving. Even if your driving skills are impeccable when intoxicated, you are instantaneously an Intoxicated Jackass. Kill yourself if need be by your own habits, not others.

As a pedestrian, I have encountered many types of drivers many other drivers might miss. My personal favorite... being the one that does not seem to appreciate im in the middle of the FUCKING ROAD. You do not slow down, do not indicate breaking at all, even when I am making eye contact with you as you pass me. Sure, youre going the speed limit, but guess what PEDESTRIANS ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Sadly, I have come to realize that these drivers are probably not intoxicated in any way. My reasoning: If these types of drivers are typically to mostly intoxicated, then the majority of people driving around intersections with out stop signs and pedestrian crossings are highly intoxicated and should be immeadiately be detained by law enforcement. I find that it is less common for a driver to stop for a pedestrian, than it is for them to try to get "there" before them. This, lack of intoxication, makes their actions probably more inexcusable, cause then what it boils down to is... sheer stupidity. The other driver I love is the person that backs out without checking their rearview mirror. It is there for a fucking reason, use it. Now, a few things. I am 6 feet tall approximately. I usually get around you or stop before you run into me Mr./Mrs./Ms. "I can't check my mirrors before backing out". And what do I see a majority of the time... you looking down into your crotch or you talking on your cellphone. If your genitals haven't spontaneously combusted recently, please quit staring at them in amazement. And to reittirate the above... turn your fucking phone off... you sack of shit. To be honest, I wouldn't appreciate being hit by a car I thank you for your curtousey.

P.S. To drivers with hedges/tall bushes and obstructions preventing view. Thank you for actually being the safer drives and for checking. Typically I have confrontations with drivers who's view is unobstructed. Also, when a pedestrian comes to a drive with an obstructed view, it is then YOUR job to make sure the drive can see you.

Andrei Trostel's picture

The same goes for drinking and commenting. IF YOU HAVE HAD ANY SUBSTANCE IN YOUR BODY, DO NOT COMMENT.

Only kidding. :P

No, I am with you 100%
With so many options (cell phone, cab, bus, metro, friends etc.) there is just no excuse for endangering the lives of others.

My personal favorite fucktards are the parents who are both out with their kids getting good and liquored up and I'm always thinking, "Who's driving home here, the four year old or the one year old?!"

Look, I get it, parenting is hard, but get a fucking baby sitter if you want to go out and get trashed and then PLEASE take a cab home. Don't put you, your kid's, or other people's lives in danger just because you can't handle your life, without getting hammered all the time. It really isn't THAT hard to have fun with a couple of kids at the table, they are usually way more entertaining than most adults anyway.

Thank you for reading and for commenting.

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

You forgot about 12. Asians Can't Drive For Shit. I'm not talking about Chinese, Japanese and other Oriental types of people. I've met lots of them who can drive well enough.

I'm talking about Indians, Pakistanis, Sudanis and other Middle Eastern drivers. Yes, they are still technically Asian. They don't know the use of the turn signal, they like changing directions on a whim, they think they always have right of way, they seem like they're always rushing and if you get pissed at them and hold your lane, they try to tailgate you 'til kingdom come (or at least 'til you switch lanes and let them pass).

The usual speed limit here in Saudi Arabia (120 kph) gets violated frequently like a new pretty boy inmate in prison. That's why when they crash, it's always spectacular. I've seen a Toyota FJ Cruiser flip over four times before being crushed again by incoming traffic in one of the freeways here.

You have to be number four just to drive normally here.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I've heard from multiple sources that many of the cabs in the Middle East and India look like crumpled up tinfoil they've been in so many accidents.

Tara Eggen's picture

Ah I identify! I always find myself doing completely retarded shit, like being in the middle of traffic and finally me and the few people behind me have the chance to go and for some reason, I stop and try to wave someone into my lane who is patiently waiting for THEIR time to merge. They don't even seem like they mind too much waiting. I have no idea why I do this, but honestly I thought I was the only one. But thanks for not being all"fuck you you guys need your liscense revoked, but more, stop doing that bad drivers"

Andrei Trostel's picture

Allowing people to merge into traffic is something I actually consider to be GOOD driving, which brings me to my next bad driver called, The Merge Scourge. This asshole will NOT allow anyone to merge effectively and will actually hug the bumper of the car in front of them to ensure there is no possible way anyone can merge. It has been proven time and time again that when people are allowed to merge with ease then traffic will flow more fluidly. Also for those of you who actually allow a person to merge with traffic you can almost always look in your rear view mirror and see that you have started a cascade/butterfly effect of accurate merging behind you which is always very satisfying.

Thank you Tara for reading and for your comment.

Tara Eggen's picture

oh wait, yes you did tell us to get off the road, right there in the head line!

Andrei Trostel's picture

To be fair my editor added the subtext headline: "Do us all a favor and get the fuck off the road" whereas I merely advocated stopping the bad behavior throughout the article.

Besides Tara, as I mentioned above, allowing someone to merge is actually considered GOOD driving, not bad.

There is another class of asshole who has almost plowed my roomie and me several times. This is common in the 'burbs like Federal Way and Auburn, where sidewalks still seem to be "one of them fancy pants big city things."

Here is the set up:

We live on a cross of a couple of major streets in Federal Way, just on the border of Auburn. We needed to make a right hand turn onto our street, during rush hour. It's stop and go traffic - why the hell is it called rush hour when there is NO rushing going on, anyway? - and finally, we get to the front of the line. Since this is a major cross street, we have to stop, even though we are making a free right turn, because traffic is traveling along the street we need to turn onto. Nothing unusual so far, right?

As we have been in the middle of our right turn, just about to pick up speed onto our street, we hear the screech of brakes, and look up to see that some asshole has decided that everyone ahead of him was holding him up from whatever he had to do at that moment in time, and he had come screaming down the shoulder, where sidewalks, those very "fancy dancy big city things" are supposed to be, not realizing that the traffic in front of him was stopping for a good reason - namely, not to get into any accidents that would keep his dumb ass stuck there even longer than necessary.

This has happened about a dozen times in the four years we have lived here. I REALLY have to salute the brave souls who wait for a bus near that corner, because there isn't any room to jump aside just in case some waste of protoplasm decides to go screaming down that shoulder to get around "all these slow moving assholes in my way!"

Andrei Trostel's picture

YES! Those people are terrible and I feel a close relative of the The Selfish Shithead but much worse since instead of using an exit ramp, which is technically a legitimate driving avenue, they are using the fucking shoulder! Let's call them the The Selfish Shoulder Shithead.

Thank you, that was a great example!

Here's something I find TERRIFYING - having to worry about the 10 most annoying drivers in yet ANOTHER dimension. Above us in flying cars.

http://cosmiclog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/07/7035439-flying-car-clear...

Andrei Trostel's picture

HAHA! My favorite line from that article is "Think of it as an airplane that drives, not a car that flies."

Don't even lie though, if you were in The Flying Car you wouldn't be too worried about 10 more annoying drivers, because it would be completely bad ass!

It would only be bad ass if I had anti-aircraft capabilities, because I don't think I would ever be able to afford a flying car myself. And you would probably have to write a whole new blog post covering the assholery of the crazy bitch in the flying car.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Wait, you would need anti-aircraft capabilities to shoot one out of the air to commandeer for yourself? I suppose in that case I would have to make a series of articles starting with the assholery of the crazy bitch in the anit-aircraft gun, followed by the assholery of the crazy bitch in the chop shop, culminating in the assholery of the crazy bitch in the flying car.

:P

Okay, you asked for MORE annoying drivers - here is one we encountered today.

Needed to make a left hand turn, and we were behind a guy in a Mirage, or some other little car like that. He nursed the turn, very gently and slowly, as though he were afraid he was going to roll it like a Ford Explorer. Sadly, he was going the same way we were, and made a VERY gentle right hand turn into the parking lot. Sitting in line behind him at the drive through was interesting, because he sat there, and let the car in front of him get ahead by about 20 feet, before deciding it was time to pull up at least 3 feet.

Finally, we got to the window, waited for our order to be made, and as we were waiting, I was hoping the guy had had enough time to go a different direction. Nope! Not only were we there an additional 8 minutes, waiting for our order, but we came out of the drive through, and the guy was sitting at the exit, as though waiting for us. The street was completely clear, he had his left turn signal on, and was sitting there, as though afraid whomever would come by tomorrow morning might cream him if he "darted out" into the (currently) non-existent traffic.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nice one! We'll call him The Dawdling Driver.

What about the driver I like to call The Out Of Line Driver who doesn't drive in one lane, but actually two at the same exact time! You can't pass them because you really have no idea which lane they are actually in and are terrified that when you attempt to pass they will finally make a decision instead of just driving with the lane line down the center of their car.

Thank you so much for not letting the original annoying driver thread die, it is much appreciated.

Keep em' coming, they're great!

;)

The ones I have the most problem with are the people who will rush out of a parking lot/driveway right in front of you, despite there being absolutely no one on the road behind you, and then go as slow as they possibly can...until you reach a passing lane, where they finally discover the gas pedal (which miraculously disappears again at the end of said passing lane).

I live in a rural area in Michigan's Upper Peninsula and have a 45-minute commute to and from work each day - with only two passing lanes in that drive - and it seems like I encounter one of these drivers at least once a day...And in case you haven't encountered the roads up here, the vast majority of our roads are 2-lane...we only have 4-lane or more in town.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nice one Nici, we'll call them The Passer Harasser.

What about the person who I like to call The Bass Head Case who has their bass turned up so loud it actually rattles your windows and you can't for the life of you understand how they have any eardrums left to speak of?

Thank you for your addition Nici and be careful out there on your long commute.

Another one series of drivers that REALLY stick in my brother's craw are the ones we see getting away with violations that would have cops all over them IF there were a cop around to see them.

EX: One night, shortly after we moved to Kent, we were pulled over by a cop, because we had a headlight burned out. We were on the way home, from an auto supply store, with the replacement bulb. My bro told the cop that we were on our way home, so he would have access to his tools to remove the lens cover and replace the bulb. He even went so far as to show the cop the bulb and the receipt from the auto parts store. It was the last time in this area that a cop gave my bro a break. What was REALLY funny was that while we were sitting there, as the cop was running the license plates through his computer, there was a fair amount of traffic on this busy main drag. I counted no less than two dozen burned out headlights, and two cars that didn't have ANY running lights on at all.

But to see people weaving through traffic, speeders (nailed for that), cars with busted tail lights with substitute covers that were fading out (nailed for that), vehicles with worse dents than little bro's poor Jeep - actually, I don't know if it's really a class of bad drivers, or if little bro just needs to get rid of the cop magnet that has somehow attached itself to him.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha Yeah, it's a grey area for sure. I'm not sure if that particular instance falls under the category of annoying drivers, or just that your brother pissed off the cops for some reason. Although, I'll give you that there is definitely a certain class of drivers who NEVER get busted for some serious outlandish shit and that does get really annoying when you are being pulled over for doing 5 over the speed limit or something. I'd also like to lump into this category the people who have never EVER gotten in an accident, but drive like a freakin' maniac and site their pure luck as a valid reason that they are great drivers. We'll call these bad drivers who never get caught or in accidents The Missed Motorist.

What about the person who I like to call The Last Minute Motorist who is a cousin of the Merge Scourge. These people see the sign telling them that there is construction in their lane and have about two miles to get over, but still waits until their car is actually touching the orange cones before finally deciding to change lanes, causing a huge cluster fuck.

Missy K's picture

♪♫ come mister tally man and tally me banana, daylight come and wan go home ♪♫

Andrei Trostel's picture

♪♫ It's six foot, seven foot, eight foot BUNCH!
Daylight come and me wan' go home ♪♫

♪♫ Six foot seven foot eight foot bunch ♪♫

Andrei Trostel's picture

♪♫ Daylight come and me wan' go home, Day, me say day-ay-ay-o ♪♫

Missy K's picture

HAHAHA! you're my friend. Well, actually you're my rival now.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I was just preserving the continuity of the Harry Belafonte lyrics with my replies, but you fucked it up with your response. Good job, now it's more like Lil Wayne's.

:P

Missy K's picture

LITTLE WAYNE DID A VERSION OF IT?! That's... just wrong. Next you're going to tell me Madonna did a remake of American Pie or Miley Cyrus covered "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
But seriously, I only listen to the classics ;D

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha Well I wouldn't call it a "version of it" but more like he just used the hook in his song.

Missy you ARE classic. ;)

Missy K's picture

oh yeah, rappers sample the most random songs apparently...i'm old as shit ;D Meet Shannon. She wants to be made into a prostitute, so MTV hooked her up with her own whore coach, Foxxxy Coco. "Gurlll, you need sem hurr extensions in dis bitch. Heres some strawberry scented KY jelly and a used condom. Get it!"

Andrei Trostel's picture

Missy, you are one of the few commenters on PIC that I often struggle to not only figure out what you are saying, but also exactly how to reply...for that I thank you. ;)

Missy K's picture

nice, making a brutha think. Do I get a prize-- or a prostitute?!

Andrei Trostel's picture

You get a banana...which you can pretend is a prostitute, but only if you pay me for it.

Missy K's picture

I'm going downtown on this! makin banana bread ;D that reminds of metalocalypse. Murderface: Where's my banana shticker don't I get one?!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Missy, just be careful that it doesn't remain locked in there.

:P

Missy K's picture

:D that makes me smile. You remind me of weird Al!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha I'm taking that as a compliment.

Missy K's picture

you should. You stupid little hipster slutbag. It's a good thing!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Missy, you always say the nicest things.

Next time, say it slower.

:P

Almost forgot an annoying driver!

This is a friend whose car I refuse to get into, EVER AGAIN.

This gal drives a VW Beetle, and similar sized cars, and she likes to weave in and out of traffic, and merges REALLY close in front of 18 wheelers and buses. I freaked out once, and asked, "WTF are you DOING? That's a goddamn big rig!"

Her response? "Well, if he rear ends me, it's his fault, and I'll just sue him."

I said, "Let me explain the physics of the situation here. We are in an 1800 pound, give or take, vehicle. He might be hauling a load of 10 tons or MORE. If he rear ends us, there MIGHT be enough left of us for a DNA scrape, and MAYBE our next of kin will have a case. I doubt it, however."

She was terribly offended, but I didn't give a shit. For all I know, she is still cutting it mighty close in front of big trucks and buses, while driving a teeney little car that one fine day is going to be even teenier.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nice, we'll call that one The Daredevil Driver.

What about the person who I like to call The Antique Motorist who is the old person backing out of a parking space without even looking. You can almost hear them yelling in their car, "I'M OLD AND I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME LEFT, SO I'M JUST GOING!"

Missy K's picture

I just found my sarah palin pictures from like 2 years ago when I went on myspace for the first time in...well, two years.

Andrei Trostel's picture

If only there was some social networking site that wasn't a post apocalyptic wasteland of porn/spam bots where you could share these pictures with everyone.

Wait, if you are still on Myspace, I guess that makes you a porn/spam bot.

I knew it!

:P

Missy K's picture

oh yes i'm a fembot/porn spambot. I double as a twinkie machine, a floatation device, and a prostitute.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Missy, I've been on to you for some time now.
There is no hiding it any longer.

I've even got the proof!

Missy The Fembot!

:P

Missy K's picture

Oh no, you must have found our secret base in the tool shed! ;D

by the way, that is definitely the coolest thing that's ever been done to my picture and trust me, something NASTY NASTY has been done to one of them thanks to having perverted friends!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Every shed you are in is a tool shed. :P

Not for nothing Missy, but I'm guessing more than one NASTY NASTY has been done to pictures of you, thanks to your having perverted friends.

Just sayin'

Missy K's picture

That WOULD offend me, but then again I do like Tool. And I wouldn't doubt that seeing as most of my male/lesbian friends are still total video game nerds and I dressed up as both lara croft and aerith gainsborough on separate occasions. WHAT?! I wanted to set the mood for when I was playing x box after work ;)

okay, I guess i'm one too sometimes hehe

Andrei Trostel's picture

Also fembots are cold and emotionless and thus can't get offended.

I bet you didn't feel anything when Sephiroth plunged a sword into her back and for that I envy you just a little. I am still a bit traumatized by that scene.

Sarah Palin, Lara Croft, Aerith Gainsborough...

Pics or it didn't happen.

;)

Missy K's picture

Actually that scene was kind of sad. I felt bad for her :/ Although if sephiroth was real he'd be totally sexy. He can plunge a different sword into MY backside ;D jk he's old as shiiiit. I put up the Aerith ones on facebook. Just for you, feel special you sack of turds.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Tragic scene...simply tragic.

I can't help but think there would be some logistical issues with Sephiroth plunging a different sword into your backside. I mean you just HAVE to know that he's compensating for something with his ridiculously long "actual" sword.

Oh I DO feel special Missy. I really didn't think you'd do it, but it is tainted by the fact that the Sarah Palin and Lara Croft ones clearly didn't happen.

;)

Missy K's picture

I'm guessing if you were in a knife fight, you'd bring a small poniard...just to prove something?
hmmm so i'm your personal fembot now? Yes Senor Andrei, must obey. Here is what I will do to you. I will-- ooooh I got distracted by something shiny. I think it was a shiny jynx pokemon! The rare kind :O ohh, wait...it's just kesha. How disappointing. That shiny little slut! Let's do to her what Sephiroth does to nice girls in pink dresses who sell flowers and pray at church!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Remember Missy, it's not the size of the board, but the motion of the ocean...of course those who think size doesn't matter at all should try surfing on a tooth pick. Just sayin'. :P

I believe in freedom and equality for robots...mostly so they won't kill me when they decide to have an uprising.

Yeah let's trash her like Lara Croft would a tomb...like Sarah Palin would American history...like...nope...that's all I've got.

Hey speaking of Lara Croft and Sarah Palin...

;)

Ah, and another to add to the growing list of Annoying Drivers: The Darwin Award In Motion

Was on a bus today in modestly busy downtown traffic. The driver just pulled away from one of the stops, and suddenly, I heard him slide his window open, and say, "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

Since I was strapped in the handicapped area in my wheelchair, I could hear him clearly, then the sound of a motorcycle engine (crotch rocket, not a Harley) rev as it accelerated, and got in front of the bus. A good thing there wasn't another coat of wax on either the bus or that bike, or he would have been splattered all over the front windshield of the bus, thus, qualifying himself for a Darwin Award.

The driver said he had just squeezed between a couple of cars next to us, and almost earned his Darwin Award by cutting off a big SUV, like a Yukon or something like that.

Andrei Trostel's picture

The Darwin Award In Motion.
I like it.

How about the person who I like to call The Out of Line Ambulance Chaser? This person pulls over with everyone else when an ambulance or fire truck approaches from behind with their lights on and then tries to pull ahead of everyone instead of just returning to the state of traffic before the emergency vehicle approached. Unfucking believable!

My house smells like grilled cheese, but I don't have any cheese...i'm scared.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Don't be scared...BYOCH!

(Bring Your Own Cheese Homey)