Five Things That Seem Much Bigger Than They Really Are

Guys, if you've ever stared at your penis, you get it.

Maybe it's the media sensationalism we're constantly bombarded with, but it seems to me that with just enough hyper-extreme exaggeration, you could spin just about anything to seem much bigger than it really is. I've noticed that this is a trait all of us have adopted as second nature, so I thought it would be fun to put descriptive exaggeration to work and highlight some things that seem much bigger than they really are.

Come with me now and read what is sure to be one of the most descriptive and awe-inspiring pieces of literature that I or anyone else has ever authored in the history of the written word. (Oh yeah, in case you missed it, I tend to blow things out of proportion too.)

5. Stuff in Your Teeth

If we as a species keep this larger than life appetite mentality, we're all going to end up wider than we are tall. You are blissfully sitting in a movie theater waiting for your cinematic presentation to begin while munching away on your barrel of popcorn that could probably sustain a small nation for a year. Halfway through the previews the unthinkable happens: one of those popcorn kernel hulls lodges itself in between two of your teeth.

When a popcorn kernel hull gets caught in your teeth it feels like you're stuck in that "reverse bear trap" contraption from the movie SAW. It's almost as if the piece of popcorn whispered to you before you popped it in your mouth, "Hello, you don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game." The epic campaign that ensues between you and this evil popcorn kernel hull makes the battle between good and evil, which is raging on the screen in front of you, look like a child's tea party. After fighting with this scourge for the entire movie, it finally dislodges and you marvel at the fact that it is SO THIN that you can actually see through it. "Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore."

SAW movie trap
Next time I'm bringing a floss pick with me to the movies.

4. Your Appetite

The other day I was at a burger joint and I ordered a gingerbread milkshake (by the way, no exaggeration, but oh my fucking yummy god!) and the waiter asked me if I wanted the tin with it. Acting on pure animal instinct I answered that I DID in fact want the tin with my milkshake. I mean who wants one behemoth vessel of gingerbread milkshake when you could have TWO behemoth vessels of gingerbread milkshake? Oh that's right, someone who intended on eating the rest of their lunch without feeling like they wanted to projectile vomit for the rest of the day.

This holiday season, at houses around the world, people's plates will be piled higher than those plates are wide. If we as a species keep this larger than life appetite mentality, the reverse will actually happen to us: we're all going to end up wider than we are tall. Please, have a happy holiday season, but try and end up not being this century's Chauncy Morlan.

Chauncy Morlan - fat circus freak
Chauncy Morlan: Late 19th century obese circus freak, early 21st century average Walmart customer.

3. The Earth

Everyone always exclaims what a big place the world is and how people from other countries seem like they're from totally different worlds. For some, traveling to other countries seems like a massive undertaking or an epic odyssey. However, I believe that the perception of the Earth is historically getting smaller and smaller, like an aging midget.

Wait, do midgets shrink as much as regular-sized people do in old age? According to physics (F=ma), gravity is a constant and the mass of a midget is much less than that of a regular-sized person, so the force exerted on a midget due to gravity is less than that exerted on a regular-sized person. Hmmmm, maybe aging midgets don't even perceptively shrink at all. That's weird.... Anyway, moving on.

Midget stunt tosser
Turns out, when it comes to gravity, midgets don't have it as bad as we thought.
I chatted with someone in China the other day and it occurred to me that the perception of the world has always been much bigger than the world really is...I guess kind of like how a midget would view it. A couple hundred years ago, traveling across the United States meant a six month journey you might not even survive. You would very likely end up in a shallow grave somewhere, marked by a stick with your hat on it, while someone else fucked your wife and raised your children at the final destination. Today, crossing the United States is a six-hour plane ride, likely without so much family restructuring along the way. While the size of the world hasn't actually changed, the perception of it certainly has and I'd say that perception is definitely getting smaller and smaller every day, but apparently NOT like an aging midget...according to physics.

2. Cell Phone Issues

Angry man on a cell phone
This guy is WAY more disconnected than he actually even realizes.
All too often I've heard people complain about their cell phones, as if using their particular model/carrier was the equivalent to contracting Ebola. You people are constantly bitching and moaning about dropped calls, delayed texts, internet connectivity issues, and reception coverage. Seriously, get some fucking perspective, would you? It's nothing short of amazing that you are even able to carry a "regular" phone around in your pocket, let alone this tiny little smartphone that acts imperfectly from time to time.

I've actually seen people hit their smartphone while screaming obscenities, because a sentence they texted failed to send, or a call they were on dropped. Give me a freakin' break with your misplaced angst over absolutely nothing. Cell phone problems aren't that real and if you think they are then you've lost all touch with reality, which I would argue is a much bigger disconnect.

1. ALL Your Problems

In fact, nine times out of ten, ALL of your problems are NOT as big of a deal as you think they are. I listen to people a lot (okay, if you want to use the term "eavesdrop" that's fine too) and from what I've heard most of them spend all their time complaining about the most inane everyday stuff. I do, however, find their exaggerated solutions for these "problems" mildly entertaining.

For starters, I'm pretty sure it isn't necessary to bludgeon a person to death with a tire iron, over a parking space. I recommend circling the block again. I'm also fairly certain that shooting your professor in the face with a sawed off shotgun isn't a viable option for getting that grade changed. I recommend maybe some extra credit. In addition, I don't think holding down the cashier and burning out his retina with the scanning laser is warranted for not accepting your expired coupon. I recommend Bed Bath & Beyond; they always take expired coupons. Finally, I get that you think you should have less foam on your latte, but it really isn't worth stabbing your barista in the head, then skull-fucking the brainhole. Ironically, I actually recommend LESS coffee.

If these are your biggest problems in life, then maybe you should be bludgeoned with a tire iron; shot in the face with a sawed off shotgun; and burned by a laser in the retina, stabbed in the head and skull-fucked in the brainhole, simply for lacking any perspective. Get some real problems, asshole.

Asian girl in a bra on the bed
Chin up and your situation will definitely get better.

So there you have it, five things that seem much bigger than they really are. What do you think seems much bigger than it really is?

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Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny stuff as usual, Andrei. I'm surprised you didn't mention crickets, bugs or the latest variety of insect attempting to murder you :)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Gav.

Oh I didn't mention those because they actually ARE as big as they seem which is WAY TOO FUCKING BIG!

:P

Missy K's picture

I agree with this, mostly # 1 and # 2.
You know what else belongs on this list? The tits on the bitches in the side ads of this website.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Since #1 is basically everything, I'm taking that as you agree with me on all accounts.

HAHA! Yeah, some of those 2leep pictures are pretty ridiculous. What is even more ridiculous is that sometimes that site associates those kinds of pictures with articles that have NOTHING to do with those kinds of pictures.
Not that I follow any of the links.
(Andrei looks around nervously)

By the way Missy, nice new profile picture...are you trying to compete with the women in the side ads of this website?

:P

Missy K's picture

lol I can see the caption now
"Hot gamer girl takes off her clothes"
but there are no pictures and it's really just an article about what I wear when I sleep.
HA JK I wear clothes to bed.

Andrei Trostel's picture

So I guess what you are saying is that you take OFF your clothes while you are IN bed then.
Cool, good to know.

;)

Missy K's picture

why so you can kill me?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nah, just using powers of deductive reasoning. Wait, you can't be killed with your clothes on? That's a useful power...kind of. :P

Missy K's picture

well I can but actually it's harder with all the concealed weapons and the jeans with the platinum ass plates and all... and the bulletproof bra (it was on sale at victoria's secret!)

Andrei Trostel's picture

That's funny, you'd think things would be harder with the weapons unconcealed, but whatever.

How about the size of the zit that people (read: ME) get when they HAVE to get their picture taken, such as at the DMV? It always looks like I have the biggest volcano in the damned "Ring of Fire" smack in the middle of my face.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nice one! Zits are always something that seems much bigger than they really are.

Hey, do you think Johnny Cash really liked volcanoes?

Ring of Fire, as in the volcanoes around the Pacific Rim, dear. Nothing to do with Johnny Cash, though I do have to admit, I didn't think of that when I wrote that phrase!

Oh, another thing I just thought of that is bigger than it really is - the spider that crawls between me and the nearest item required to kill it. I'm sure you've felt that way about any Cave Crickets that get between you and the Tilex Fresh Shower. Or Brown Marmorated Stink Bugs that you find crawling on your ass.

Andrei Trostel's picture

HAHA! Yes love, obviously being a Washingtonian, I fully knew what you meant. :P

I still say that Johnny Cash had a secret burning love for volcanoes though...the lyrics still make sense with volcanoes in mind.

http://youtu.be/gRlj5vjp3Ko

As far as Cave Crickets and Brown Marmorated Stink Bugs go, I'll tell you the same thing as I told Gavin above, those actually ARE as big as they seem which is WAY TOO FUCKING BIG!

What else you got?

How about the size of the vehicle that almost creamed me in the crosswalk when I had the light? At the time, it always seems like I was almost run down by the Titanic on wheels. In retrospect, once I calm down from the "near-death" experience (mostly by waiting for my heart to stop racing and using every filthy word I know, reviling the stupid asshole driving) it turns out to be not QUITE such a big vehicle. "Jesus, that VW Beetle looked as big as a fucking skyscraper for a minute there!"

The scary fucker who seems to be following me - I know I am not the only woman to have problems with this, but I have managed to beat this particular occurance by suddenly starting a disjointed conversation with myself, and giggling like a maniac. Then, of course, that huge, scary mo'fo is eying ME nervously, wondering if that huge, psycho bitch is about to attack HIM.

Scandals during election years - wow, that self righteous prick is banging HOW many? Must seem huge to candidates's kids, too - can you imagine what it must be like when the sordid details of politician daddy's indiscretions come out? In the internet age, there is no escaping not only the knowledge, but the sheer amount of crap you'd take from your schoolmates.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Good ones and you should know that I cracked up at "Jesus, that VW Beetle looked as big as a fucking skyscraper for a minute there!" So thanks for that laugh.

Does the talking to yourself tactic actually work these days? I think people would just assume you are on the phone or something. I have always maintained that the greatest social equalizer for schizophrenics is the cell phone coupled with a blue tooth device. When those things came out I was constantly thinking people were nuts and talking to themselves. Over time I got conditioned and now just assume everyone talking to themselves isn't nuts, but actually on the phone.

Not for nothing, but to the candidates kids/wife, any number greater than zero is big enough.

Here's one for you, what about the size of a hill when one is on a bicycle or even in a wheelchair perhaps? Whenever I decide to ride a bike anywhere I am constantly amazed at how big the hills seem that I previously thought weren't even there when I planned my route.

Glad I could give you a laugh. Lord knows most of your columns have done that for me. As for the size of the hill you mention - well, I AM in a wheelchair and you're right about that! That's the main reason the VW DID look like a skyscraper when that asshole almost ran me down.

The "talking to myself to freak out scary fucker following me" bit was before cell phones became so prevalent - that happened back in the 90s. But if you talk crazy enough, and it is obvious you have neither a cell phone nor a blue tooth set, it might still work. That was pre-wheelchair, and it probably helps that I am a big, scary looking bitch, too.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoy them, that means the world to me.

Yes dear, I know you are in a wheelchair, which is precisely why I said, "here's one for you..." followed by bringing up a wheelchair. I do pay attention you know. Haha! :P

Yeah it's high times for schizophrenics these days with the ubiquitous nature of cell phones.

Oh, I just thought of another one for the holiday season. Christmas trees! Every time I go shopping for a tree I am always amazed that the huge tree that was so unwieldy and difficult to lug to the register actually fits in my house. They really aren't that big once they are inside your house, but on the lot they seem absolutely huge...or maybe they just seem heavy.

PS: Llanfar, something else you may want to try, and that's puping your water intake, and getting a little exercise, even if it's just a 30 minute daily stroll around your neighborhood.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yes, by all means Llanfar (whoever the fuck that is) try puping your water intake.

Puping is totally the way to go.

...

Hey, does anyone else get the feeling that random wormholes are opening up all over the internet and misdirecting comments to random sites, or is it just me?

Matthew Chard's picture

Now we need a column for "Things That Seem Much Smaller Than They Really Are"

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Matthew, it's actually already on my list of things to write about.
You'll definitely be seeing it in the new year.