How to Tell if He/She's Not That Into You

We hear about this all the time. It's splashed across the pages of Cosmo and Maxim, in episodes of Sex and the City and Entourage, even a book turned movie, appropriately titled, He's Just Not That Into You. Which is why it's interesting to me that I still constantly witness women sitting in the palm of men's hands (and vice versa) who clearly aren't crazy about them (in other words "just aren't that into them").

Couple ignoring each other in a bad relationship
"One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Five potato, six potato, seven potato, WHORE!"
While the movie/book, which I will now refer to as "the Mook," does a decent job of outlining some of the bigger things to look out for (if he's not calling you.../if he's not marrying you...) I think that it's also important to be aware of subtleties so that you don't find yourself five years down the road wondering where the ring is. That and it's no fun to spend your time feeling underappreciated slash wondering whether or not you're even in a relationship.

I hate to start this article out by bringing up something as superficial as Facebook, but the sad truth is that Facebook is pretty freaking official these days. Can you remember the last time you met someone and they told you they weren't on Facebook? If so, do you remember your reaction? Mine is generally utter disbelief, and now that Facebook has exponentially reached out and gotten not only my parents but my grandparents, little cousins, and boss in its grasp, I understand that Mark Zuckerberg isn't fucking around. He came to play.

Yes, there are people who aren't "texters," but if my dad can text me back then so can my boyfriend.When it comes to Facebook relationships, it can be easy to get lost in the gray area, where girls are "married" to their best friends, and other people don't put anything up, requiring you to take part in the oh-so-elusive "are they in a relationship or not" game by scanning through their pictures and wall posts to figure out if they're taken.

Then, there is the question of what is acceptable and what is annoying. Personally, I used to think it was lame when people put the name of the person they were dating with their "in a relationship" status—that is until I, myself, was in a relationship and proceeded to put his name on my profile—because I wanted it there. Which brings me to my first point: it's important that you don't feel like the person you are with is ashamed of you. I know you're probably thinking, duh, but it happens more often then not. I'm not saying that your boyfriend or girlfriend should be all Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch crazy, but better that than being with someone who is introducing you as their "friend" six months into a relationship, or has "single" as their Facebook relationship status after a year of dating and meeting the parents. Everyone is different and some people don't want everyone to know their business, but that said, it feels good when your significant other makes it clear that they are off the market—and it feels even better when they make it clear that they are off the market with you. Plus, it cuts out a lot of the bullshit associated with trust issues, etc.

Now that that's covered, I need to air out some dirty laundry real quick. There are some people who I feel "overshare" on Facebook, and I find that I bitch about it constantly (case in point). I have one girl in mind (the reason I bring this up) who I am friends with because we shared the same small major at the same small college. But our friendship never extended beyond a little classroom banter and Facebook. She recently got engaged; her fiancé has been away for a couple of months doing a training program in Georgia; and the last time they spoke was last night at 9:48 PM after she met with her book club and went for a run. I know all this because of Facebook, and truthfully, I wish I didn't. I want to shout at the computer "TMFI!!" The fact that I could, without hesitation or effort, tell you the last five times this girl and her fiancé spoke, and whether it was by email, Skype, telephone, or text, is a sad, sad, thing.

But...I'm addicted. I'm addicted to updates about her relationship like I'm addicted to clips of The Real Housewives of New Jersey on Hulu before bed. I hate it, yet I'm drawn to it like a moth to the light. What it really comes down to is that I don't think it should be there. If you need to write about your relationship 24/7 get a diary, or a therapist, or...a column.

People need their alone time and personal time with their friends and families, but if they aren't inviting you to the basic stuff, it's not a good sign.Great, now we can move on to a pretty general sense of what goes on in a relationship communication-wise. There are some big red flags that many people ignore, which they really should be paying closer attention to. The Mook starts to get into this when it covers the whole "if he's just not calling you..." piece which I think can now be extended to "if he's not calling you, texting you, emailing you, or flat-out hanging out with you." If you find that the communication in your relationship is pretty much one-sided, or you frequently imagine yourself sitting on a seesaw alone, waiting for your partner to start the balancing act, you may want to rethink what you're doing in this relationship. Yes, there are people who aren't "texters," but if my dad can text me back then so can my boyfriend. And if it's just not his thing, he'll find another way to show you that he cares—bearing in mind that if he's going to do that, he actually has to care.

Which brings me to the importance of your boyfriend/girlfriend asking and inviting you to do things. I'm not talking about every little thing—people need their alone time and personal time with their friends and families—but if they aren't inviting you to the basic stuff, it's not a good sign. Prime example, my ex-boyfriend was going to a big Halloween party at a friend's house last year with a bunch of his friends that I had hung out with a fair amount of times. He knew that I didn't have any serious plans, yet he didn't invite me to the party and he made it quite clear that he was going solo. We wound up meeting up later that night, and I acted like everything was fine. The following morning I went to his football game where his friends proceeded to inundate me with questions about why I wasn't at the party and how I thought I was "too cool." Needless to say, that was the end of that relationship.

Lastly, I'd like to talk about trusting your gut. As a woman I analyze the shit out of relationships—my own, my friends', and my family members'. I think a lot about the way people treat each other, how happy I think they are, and I read about this kind of thing pretty often. I read about how the way you sleep together at night, the way you kiss, and the tone in which you talk to each other can be quite telling of the health of your relationship. I find some of this to be true, but I think your gut instinct about something is equally as important.

Take, for example, the cheating spouse scenario. You think your husband or wife is cheating on you. You don't have proof but you just feel like they are. Whether or not there actually has been an indiscretion, there is something to be said about how you are feeling. Clearly, something is wrong in the relationship. Trusting that feeling could potentially save you a lot of time and energy. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but when it comes to dealing with relationships, "easy" is hardly in the vocabulary.

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Andrei Trostel's picture

Excellent points Ali.

For the record ladies, if a guy REALLY wants to be in a relationship with you, then he will do just about everything in his power to make it happen. If he doesn't, then you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone that you have to convince to be in a relationship with you? It is much better to just have some self respect and move on to someone who appreciates you for who you are and not waste your time. Period.

;)

Lisa Rau's picture

Thanks for a candid viewpoint and airing out what many people don't wanna hear. You're my favorite columnist on here! Homophone unintentional.

<< He knew that I didn't have any serious plans, yet he didn't invite me to the party and he made it quite clear that he was going solo. We wound up meeting up later that night, and I acted like everything was fine. The following morning I went to his football game where his friends proceeded to inundate me with questions about why I wasn't at the party and how I thought I was "too cool." Needless to say, that was the end of that relationship. >>

Did you really left him only because of that? No offense but..If so, I gues he wasnt the problem in your relationship xD

very nice analysis. what are you the dating guru? you should have your own show or something.

'If you need to write about your relationship 24/7 get a diary, or a therapist, or...a column.'

Damn right! Haha

Yup..ya know, certain people freak out when someone they've been out with calls, or texts, or emails on a near daily basis, and says nice things. There are, however, much scarier things than having someone like you and pay attention to you. I've had a bad habit previously of making a beeline for emotionally unavailable men and then bemoaning the oneside-edness of the relationship until I met my current beau. I am so unused to the amount of attention he's been giving me since we met, that it freaked me out a little until I learned to accept it as a truly positive thing. Now I couldn't be happier and I can't believe I ever gave the previous schmucks the benefit of my attentions! It feels awesome to be in a two-way relationship.

where's your next article, i need some more advice from my favorite columnist!

I never knew there was such a person as a he she, but now that I do I would like to blow one; and suck her dry..

I'm a guy and I can say from our side of the view at least this is true.

However, on certain parts I will have to disagree. There's just some type of people who prefer not to use phones, emails, IM's, Facebooks, etc for showing their "care." So, all the ladies don't feel bad when your man isn't showing you much attention in Facebook. Know that it's hard for men to swallow their pride and get some sissy ass gift. Know that it's extremely easy for anyone to write some BS about how they love you. Anyone could do it, even someone who has never had a girlfriend let alone any interaction with a girl. Yeah, any fat creepy WoW addict can do that. Doubly easy so since it's done online and not face to face where immediate replies are necessary.

its not easy- i have never been invited to anything this guy
he talks of dinner and lunch and date he never follows up. i feel disrespected as even christmas i sent a small presie to him just some thing small, he never got me anything not even a card! or a text i really didnt want anything just a courtesy text to say thanks , i felt he didnt like it . He went on holidays with all the guys we kissed before but the last time he tried to kiss me i said no coz i just didnt feel it didnot feel rite. i just could not stand the man even though i liked him he wont really talk any more to me
michella

Gray2007's picture

Lose some weight fatty maybe then he'll want to talk to u

Gray2007 on March 20th, 2011:
sorry iam a size 8 wat more to loose i think that is rather rude u dont know me t all .

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months, and he doesn't call, or text or
Email me. When I message him he doesn't reply for days.
He never introduced me to his room mate. When we hang out it's only when his alone. I feel like his bitch, and not his girlfriend. Should I walk away?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yes