Relationship Cheat Sheet

A lot of people ask me, what constitutes cheating? The problem with that question is that there are a lot of answers, and there is a significant sand-pit of gray area surrounding those answers. I mean, there is the obvious; generally when you are in a monogamous relationship an overall rule is to “keep it in your pants” when it comes to other people. But can you look? Can you talk? Can you have a secret online relationship (i.e. can you cyber)? What about porn? Can you have crushes? Can you call 1-800-do-me-doggy-style?

In this article I will address all of the above… well, most of the above. I’ll let you know what I think is acceptable, and when I think you should break up with your significant other—considering they get it on more with an inflatable doll than they do with you.

Let’s start with the most serious situation. The act of sticking it in someone else, or letting someone else stick it in you, when you are only supposed to be seeing one person. In my opinion this is only okay in one very specific situation, and that situation is known as the 3-way. I hope if you are reading this, you know what a 3-way is. If not, perhaps you’ve heard of it by its other name: “every guy’s dream.”

"Backing away from all things sexual, probably the most common and painful type of cheating  is mental cheating."

Personally, I don’t feel comfortable with other girls (or guys for that matter) around when I’m in a sexual situation with the person I’m seeing. And by around, I mean “in bed with us”... or “in the closet video-taping.” It just makes me feel twitchy. 3-ways are one thing when it’s three friends or three strangers but when it’s a couple with a third wheel and a whole lot of drama soup just brewing to a boil, someone is going to get burned. Sorry guys, I’m not trying to put a chastity belt on your 3-way future, but you don’t want to get dumped the next morning because you paid more attention to the visitor than the home team.

Now let’s talk about all things cable bill-related—and by that I mean the television, the phone, and the internet. As far as watching porn on the TV, well, first of all you definitely need to get a little bit more technologically savvy—the internet is a much better choice. But if those IMs popping up in the middle of Brianna and Candy’s bathtub scene really get to you… I guess I can understand. You may actually want to try incorporating it into your sexual routine once in a while; it could prove to be a fun way to spice things up.

The phone is something I would stay away from unless your boyfriend or girlfriend is studying abroad and it’s the only way for you to have some sort of distorted sex. You should never pay to talk to someone on the phone (a.k.a. a girl pretending to be naked and masturbating but who is probably in a full sweat suit clipping her toenails). It’s a waste of time and money. Plus, with every phone in the country tapped (I’m not paranoid or anything), it’s really something you should avoid. That and I also heard cell phones give you cancer, pay phones give you AIDS, and home phones get you busted. Just something to keep in mind.

The internet is a touchy subject, both literally and figuratively. I see no problem with internet porn, but as far as those creepy secret relationships go with 10-year-old girls from some island in the Pacific or 60-year-old senators from Washington, I think you smart college students should know better. Let the soccer moms take care of those demographics.

Backing away from all things sexual, there is a completely separate type of cheating which is probably the most common and painful for whomever’s significant other. I’m talking about mental cheating. You may be thinking, “What the fuck? I can’t think about another girl/guy?” That’s not what I’m saying. You can fantasize all you want. Pretend your hand is Pamela Anderson’s mouth—actually, scratch that, you don’t want Hepatitis C. Pretend it’s the girl who sits in front of you in your public speaking class. The kind of mental cheating I’m talking about involves having feelings for another person. It involves talking to that girl from public speaking class after public speaking class. It involves studying together on the weekends and taking that extra five minutes to put on some aftershave and change your shirt. I’m not banning all flirting, or flirting at all, but be careful that it doesn’t develop into something more.

All things considered, it really comes down to the agreement you and your better half have. I know temptations arise, but always keep the other person in mind and you should be good to, well… not go.