iLike: This one’s to tell people what your favorite music is. I
thought that’s what the “favorite music” part of the profile was for.
"So help me God, if any of you ever throws a virtual piece of
pizza at me..."
Movies: I actually did some research here.
Unfortunately, you can’t rate pornos, and it’s not like any of my
Facebook friends are qualified to judge real movies.
Quizzes: If no one else cares about what you like, what makes you
think they’re going to go out of the way to get tested on it? I don’t go to my
Spanish quizzes or my STD tests, so believe me when I say I’m not going out of
my way to visit yours.
Locations: “Oh shit dude, what happened last night? … Cocaine?! …
We’re in Mexico?!?! Holy shit bro, hold on, I’ve gotta put this up on my
locations Facebook app!”
Election '08: One clever guy out there will use this to convince some
hot activist girl of his strong political inclinations (he’s never voted) to get
in her pants. Also, Nathan DeGraaf may use this to display his appreciation for
Ron Paul’s coreness. Besides them, none of you should bother with this,
because the only things your friends care about less than your taste in books,
movies and music are your thoughts on politics.
Lyrics: This allows you to “Post your favourite lyrics on your
Facebook profile.” Because, y’know, you couldn’t have done that before.
Top Friends: Because all the higher schoolers on Facebook felt
powerless and uneasy when they couldn’t use threats of “Top 8 removal” to
maintain power among their social groups.
Top Friends: Turns out there’s another one that’s almost identical…
fantastic.
(fluff)Friends: This fantastic little app allows you to add a cute
little cartoon character to your profile. Interestingly enough, of the 286,136
users who currently have this app installed, 286,132 are Asian girls between the
age of 10 and 15, and four are overweight white men who wish they were Asian
girls between the age of 10 and 15.
YouTube Skins: Now that you’ve got a nice diamond-bordered video of
“The Sweetest Escape” by Gwen Stefani in your profile, you’re just one
seizure-inducing background color away from freezing my computer.
| Animals: No
longer just for hunting, eating, and sex! |
Dogbook: This allows you to create a profile for your dog, because
when you’ve only got 7 friends, you really do need that little boost from Rover.
Catbook: For all those crazy spinsters out there on Facebook.
A Bunny Picture: It just puts a picture of a bunny in your profile…
seriously though, the bunnies are pretty cute—hold on, I’m gonna add this to my
profile.
| If you’re
playing games on Facebook, you definitely have too much time
on your hands. |
Red Bull Roshambull: Get it? Rosham“bull.” It’s no
Court Sullivan pun, but I’m guessing all the people at that office are too
perpetually caffeinated to do better.
Food Fight!: So help me God, if any of you ever throws a virtual piece
of pizza at me, I’ll virtually digest it and shit it on your virtual lawn.
| If you’re going
to be Facebooking drunk anyway, maybe these will help you
out. |
Cocktail Recipes: Wow, an application that revolves around liquor…
it’s as though someone out there thinks that there are actually enough college
students on Facebook to bother targeting a program at them. Miraculous!
Unthirsty: No jokes to be made here—Unthirsty is a happy hour finder.
This alone may justify the existence of Facebook applications as a whole.
| Others—because
coming up with categories was harder than I thought. |
Causes: I’ll put down a donation for the first person who makes a “If
I get some large amount of money, I’ll put myself through bodily harm/humiliate
myself/humiliate the only girl who will ever date me by performing lewd sexual
acts on her and videotaping them” group.
Favorite Peeps!: First of all, bad form on putting an exclamation
point at the end of the name—don’t try and force excitement on me while
I’m Facebooking. Anyway, this lets you write what you think about other people.
Unfortunately, I doubt there will be enough drunk people writing “Mike is:
HAHAHHAH LITTLE PENIS FAG UR FAT N UR GIRL HAS HIIIIIIIIIV” and too many high
school girls writing about how beautiful their little pudgy friends look in
their new braces.
HOT or NOT: God, it’s satisfying knowing that the 1 I gave that
near-perfect specimen of a woman is going to bring her total score down .003 and
send her over the line into full-blown anorexia.
X Me: This expands what you can do to people beyond poke;
unfortunately, I’m not sure if you get to choose from a preselected set of
options that are undoubtedly really gay, or if you can write in your own. If
it’s the former, this blows; if the latter, expect to wake up to “you have been
molested by your priest, like when you were six.”
Horoscopes: You should be getting these from our resident certified
horoscope specialist* Xavier Holland.
Not actually certified or a horoscope specialist.
Hang Out With Me: I’m so lonely… so lonely…
Rupture: I’m just going to quote the description and leave it at that.
“This application will publish your World of Warcraft character pictures
and statistics onto your Facebook profile. Data about your character can be
pulled from the Armory or from an optional Rupture client application.”
Training: Because even though you’re not doing any of it, damn, that
regimen looks impressive.
Leaky News: This comes from The Leaky Cauldron, one of the largest
Harry Potter fan sites in the internet. Not only does it allow you to add a
countdown to your profile (I assume these will either be used for counting down
to the date the next Harry Potter book comes out or the next time you’re going
to masturbating to Harry Potter fan fic erotica about Hermione blowing Snape
after class to maintain her GPA), it also allows you to “display your favorite
episode of PotterCast, a podcast published by The Leaky Cauldron.” I could make
a joke, but is it really necessary?
Jewster: This one makes your nose grow three sizes and causes your
wallet to become sealed shut.
