You trudge to your next class, cursing
at yourself for enrolling in more than one class a day. What the hell were you
thinking? Next semester, it’s no more than nine credits and you don’t care if
that means it takes your parents another ten years to pay off your student
loans.
You head into your next class and listen to your teacher prattle on about
Indians, or galaxies, or how to throw a curveball or something. Mostly you’re
just staring at that gorgeous creature that sits two seats ahead of you. My God,
they are magnificent. With your head filled with thoughts of hot monkey sex, the
class flies by and once again, you’re faced with deciding your next move. Do
you:
• Go to your last class of the day, go to #10
• Go back to your room and take a nap in preparation for tonight,
go to #11
7
Screw class, you need a fucking taco. You head over to the dining
hall, but accidentally walk through a pick-up football game. You’re chosen for a
team and before you know what has happened, the ball is in your hands. RUN!
You do run—you run strong and fast and proud. In fact, you’re so good, the
coach of the football team signs you on the spot to return kickoffs for the
team. You do this with great success, but then you get drafted, become a war
hero, start a successful shrimping company, and marry a girl who will die
shortly after of some horrific venereal disease. Oh no, wait, that was
Forrest Gump.
END
8
You fake a smile and attempt to act pleasant as this person, who is
alarmingly unattractive in the light of day, kind of like a shorter, hairier
Erik Estrada, walks toward you. You have obliviously misjudged the emotional
scars your one-night stand has left on this person, as they see you and a fiery
red-hot supernova of hatred grows in their eyes.
You don’t quite know what happens next, but when you wake up in the hospital
a few days later, all the doctors can tell you is that your wounds are so
grotesque, it made not one, but seven separate interns vomit. And that’s a state
record that stands to this day.
END
9
Your eyes go wide in fright. Not them, not now! You dive into a
nearby bush, cutting yourself badly, but avoiding what would no doubt be one of
the most awkward conversations of your life. And you found ten bucks while
hiding in the mud. Score!
So what’s your next move? It’s time for a nap! Go to #11
10
Okay look, you made your point. You went to your first two classes, okay?
What are you John Q. Textbook all of a sudden? Skip this class, you’ve earned
it. After all, you can always get your grades up on the mid-term. Or at least
you can fool yourself into believing that.
Go to #11
11
After a refreshing four-hour nap, you’re ready for what lies ahead of you
tonight. You’ve put your time in at school and now it’s time to get down to what
college is really all about: getting drunk.
But you do have a dilemma. You’ve got a test in your early class tomorrow and
not only have you not studied, you haven’t even bought the book for the class
yet. Way to go, professor. Do you:
•Hit the books hard, study, maybe take in an episode of The O.C.., and
go to bed early so you’ll be ready for your test in the morning,
go to #12
• Go to the bar, go to #13
12
I bet you want me to tell you that all your studying and self-sacrifice
paid off, don’t you? That you aced your test and everything was great. Well, I’m
sorry to tell you that sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them
too.
Not only does that bastard of a T.A. give your test a C+, but had you of gone
to the bar last night, you would have run into the person you would have ended
up marrying. And you would have been extremely happy together, but now you’re
just going to die alone. But on the plus side, it was an all-new O.C.
that you threw your future away for, so that was nice.
END
13
Your motto has always been “Live for the moment,” so here you are at the
bar. Actually, your motto really is “Ass, grass, or cash, nobody rides for
free,” but you don’t really want people knowing that. It’s a packed house
tonight and the future leaders of the free world are getting shamelessly
hammered. Should you:
• Join them and get so drunk you forget how to feel, go to #14
• Take it easy and stick to water, go to #15
14
So that demon named alcohol called and you came a-runnin’, didn’t you?
You have one drink and might as well scream, “It begins again!” at the top of
your lungs just as a fair warning to those in the bar who might get in your way.
One drink quickly turns into seven and before you know what has happened,
you’re feeling no pain. And that’s when you see them. That hottie from your
class earlier and goddamn if it doesn’t look like you two are making eyes at
each other. Oh, doctor, this must be your lucky day. Okay, quick, come up with a
strategy here. Do you:
• Walk over right now before this person sobers up or spots someone better,
go to #16
• Do one last shot to really help yourself believe that you’re good enough
for this person,
go to #17
15
Water, huh? So you’re gonna be that guy. Just drinking water at the end
of the bar. No, no, that’s totally cool, because if history has taught us
anything it’s the people really enjoy the company of others who are cheap and
uptight. Good luck with that. Oh, by the way, you go home alone. Big shocker
there, huh?
END
16
You have no reason to feel confident, but you do. Perhaps that’s the
downfall in your approach. You walk with a certain swagger, which is probably
not the best idea, because walking with a swagger is much more difficult than
you originally anticipated and really should be left up to professionals.
Two steps in and you’re down on your face. You’re thoroughly embarrassed and
if this was Rocky II and Apollo had just hit you, Mickey would be
screaming for you to “Stay down!” He also might say something about crapping
thunder, but that’s neither here nor there. Regardless, there’s no recovering
and your night is over.
END
17
That one last shot was perfect and now you’re just drunk enough not to be
nervous, but not so drunk that you might tell this dime piece you’re terrified
of rodeo clowns. The booze has also helped you stare vacantly and bob your head
in time to this person’s ramblings about their major. Before you know it, the
lights come on and the place begins to empty out. You’ve got to make a move
quickly. Do you:
• Get this person’s number in order to make future plans, go to
#18
• Invite this person back to your room to “watch a movie,” go
to #19
18
So let me get this straight? They were drunk, you were drunk, and you
still couldn’t seal the deal, eh, Casanova? I have less game than anyone else on
the face of the earth and even I could have made this work.
But, no, seriously, have fun on that “date” when the hottest person you’ve
ever had a chance with is finally sober and gets a real good look at you in the
daylight. I’m sure it will work out well. And that’s even assuming you got a
real phone number, which you probably didn’t.
END
19
You both stagger back to your place and luckily for you, your new friend
has correctly interpreted “watch a movie” as “have sex.” Bravo, looks like there
won’t be any sexual assault charges for you tonight.
There’s some more drinking and small talk and then an awkward, “Hey, um, have
you ever seen an original script from The Office? Yeah, I have one…it’s
in my bedroom.” And then finally, you get to see this person’s naughty bits,
and, oh yes my friend, they’re delightful.
You fall into a blissful slumber next to your new friend, or perhaps they
sneak out in the middle of the night, but either way, it’s been a great day at
college.
END
