Ultimate Fighting is probably one of my favorite sports with my least favorite fans. So I watch matches by myself. And if you’ve read half of one of My Organs pieces, you know I talk to myself all the time.

Whenever a fight is on the TV at the bar, I try to explain what’s going on to my non-UFC friends. I end up confusing them a lot more.

But I noticed I say a lot of off-color sentences when I’m watching two sweaty dudes roll around the Octogon. If my neighbors spoke English, they might think I was watching gay porn instead. Or maybe I am.

As an actual Brazilian Jiu Jitsu blue belt, I know the terminology and respect the sport. But come on dudes, could you find a less gay sounding set of words than "rear mount" (victim lays down while the attacker sits on his back) and "rear naked choke" (your basic sleeper hold) and "North/South" (69).

Also, I’m in no way making fun of gays. Screw whoever you want to screw. This is supposed to be making fun of UFC.

Anyway, here a few lyrical gems I came up with during UFC 118:

Sometimes you’re the hammer. Sometimes you’re the nail. And this dude is getting nailed. 

He’s on top! The other guy is fucked now.

Always pick the black guy!

Or pick the Brazilian. Those dudes are born with the knowledge to rock worlds.

None of the dudes I pick ever win. They look cool or come out strong, but man, they just end up being crybaby pussies.

He definitely likes getting choked. 

I think the dudes who go both ways are usually better. Standing up, sitting down, face to face. You’ve got to find what works and stick with it.

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I know Forrest Griffin isn’t the greatest fighter in the world. Or the greatest looking. But he’s got personality and a hilarious sense of humor. And to me, that matters. 

That dude is too old and tired.

Now THAT is a lot of fucking blood.

To be the best, it helps to be flexible.

I can do that. I could do that on the ground. I could do that on the
streets. I could do that to anyone.

I would never let him do that to me.

This guy’s got a skull like a bowling ball.

Well, somebody is going to piss blood tomorrow.

I know it’s weird, but when I’m doing it, I LIKE eye contact.

I don’t know why, it just looks like he has it in him.

He easily goes from top to bottom.

Honestly, I have no interest in watching girls do it.

Watch out, he’s coming for your back!

It depends on what you like. The little guys do some crazy shit like spinning around or somersaults. The big dudes just lay there and pound each other.

And that’s all for now. How about the rest of you? What do you think? Any more gay stuff to say while watching UFC?

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