Bouncer Wisdom: One-Liners

(No, your head is the one with the thick candy shell on it...)

Bouncers aren't known for being brilliant. Except for me. I've got a bachelor's AND a master's. Which pretty much just means I'm in huge student loan debt. But, I've got a few wise words for the bargoing folks out there...

Everybody loves quotes. You find them from movies, books or your best friends. You post them on your Facebook page or on sticky notes on your mirror. I put them in a notebook then I pretend I was smart enough to write them.

And that's what I'm informing you about. One-liners. For me, this is one of the toughest parts of the bouncing job. Not the shitty pay. Not the constant drinking. Not getting hit in the face. No. For me, it's thinking of cool shit to say after kicking somebody's ass. Or just burning them in front of their buddies or loved ones.

A good one-liner can make a normally mundane occurrence into an awesome event. You WANT to add insult to injury. You've not only overpowered your opponent, but you've outsmarted him too. And if his girlfriend is a whore, you may bang her just to rub even more salt in the wound.

Some guys are awesome at it, like the Zipper. After choking out a UFC wannabe wearing a TapOut shirt, he laughed, "Why didn't you tap out, Braugh?" I just can't think on my feet like that most of the time. I might have ripped on his faux hawk, fake tan or something.

One time, some rookie drinker was trying to piss in our liquor room. How he got in there and why he wasn't trying to steal booze, I don't know. But all I could think of was, "Hey! This isn't a place for kids." Incredibly weak, I'll admit it.

Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes I come up with AWESOME lines. Just, nobody hears them. Or, it's five minutes afterwards. Here are a few of my greats:

After hipsters wouldn't quit hitting on my date: "You better shut the fuck up, back away, or I'm going to stuff those mustaches up your asses."

When a lacrosse player got in my face: "Dude. Shut the fuck up already. I don't give a fuck about lacrosse. Nobody does. I played a real respectable sport in college. Swimming."

A rich guy needed his ass beat, so I snapped, "Why don't you take that big wallet of yours and buy some manners?" (Actually, I think I stole that from my Mom, which I think makes it even more hardcore, but that's just me.)

And then there's the tag team one-liner. A dipshit trash talked Mickey, who stepped up with a punch and then I uttered this classic: "Wow. That dipshit just flinched so hard he fell over."

If you really want to get serious after a fight, Snappy's favorite line is, "You want some more? I get off at three in the morning. And this time I won't hold back."

So it's good to have a few bullets in your one-liner chamber. "My grandma hits harder than that" is always a favorite. "I've got sperm bigger than you," is another classic.

There's a great quote about writing, "Good writers borrow. Great writers steal." So, honestly, if you're going to steal, steal from the best. And the best is Road House's main bad guy's line: "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Use that in a bar room brawl, and see where it gets you...

It's last call for Bouncer Wisdom and me, KC. But I'll see you next week. For another round, on me.