Oh no! Jim Carrey has decided, once again, to tap into the well that made him famous: family comedies in which he is relentlessly punished by you, a vengeful God!

God has already forced Jim Carrey to only tell the truth, to only say “yes,” and to literally become the Biblical God for a little while. There was also that movie where he was haunted by that green Loki mask, which I guess counts. Maybe the one about the number 23, but I didn’t see that one, so I don’t know.

In any case, Jim Carrey is hoping that this new project will put him back on top of the world! Figuratively, of course. It’s not like he’s, y’know, actually God. That’s who you are!

In this upcoming feature, Carrey plays a wealthy contractor preparing to bulldoze a beloved children’s playground to make room for a mall parking lot. It’s his biggest job yet, and there’s nothing that’s gonna get in his way.

Or is there? His daughter, Petunia Grace, just threw a quarter into a wishing well, wishing quietly that, “daddy learns to be a better daddy.“

Jackpot.

Thanks to Petunia Grace, you now have about 85-90 minutes to make this dude’s life a living Hell. Teach him a lesson in some really brutal ways that the whole family can enjoy. We’ve compiled a few jumping off points, which, hey, actually, jumping off of something is a good idea. Maybe make his character jump onto something pointy.

Anyway, here’s the list:


Jim Carrey Gets His Tongue Ripped Out

Aw geez! How’s Jim Carrey going to explain his new mall parking lot idea to the guys at the office if you’ve ripped out his tongue with hot pincers? They’ll be rolling in the aisles as Jim Carrey tries (and spectacularly fails!) to explain to his boss how to bulldoze a jungle gym using only non-verbal communication! Somebody, probably Michael Rapaport, will watch in confusion as a frustrated Jim Carrey thrusts his torso hither and yon to explain where the new parking garage’s car elevator will go.

At the end of the movie, Jim Carrey will learn that talking is really important, and maybe he should talk to his daughter a little more, even if he’s real tired from work. His tongue will then grow back, and audiences will welcome its return.


Jim Carrey Turns Into A Horse

I’ve prepared some taglines for this option:

Saddle up for the most un-STABLE family feature of the year!

You’ve heard him say “Yes,” now it’s time for him to say “Neigh!”

Jim Carrey? Get ready to watch “Him Carry” a human being on his back!

This is a great route to really teach him a lesson, because talking animals mean you’re a shoo-in for a family-friendly PG rating. So, as God, you decide that Jim Carrey’s way past due for some real Kafkaesque shit. He rolls out of bed one morning, puts on his tie, and whispers a quick goodbye to his wife. Her eyes snap open and she screams, rushing out of bed and toward the closet where Jim Carrey keeps his locked safe full of horse tranquilizers. She can’t remember the combination, and wonders, through her tears, if she’ll ever see her kids again. Jim Carrey tries to ask her what’s wrong, but all she can hear are desperate, panicked horse noises.

Families will be “hoarse” with laughter this summer, if this is the method you choose!


Jim Carrey Is Trapped Under A Thin Layer Of Ice In A Frozen Lake

What better way to learn a lesson than to be trapped under a translucent sheet of ice?

One cold November morning, Jim Carrey’s car breaks down, so he has to walk through the snow to get to work—ugh, thanks a lot, God! He walks past the playground he hopes to obliterate and smirks before whispering, “I am going to destroy that children’s playground, for money. No one will teach me a lesson today.”

That’s where you come in.

Maybe if he took Petunia Grace to the playground once in a while, he’d know it was right next to—you guessed it—a lake! He hears a crack underfoot, and before he knows it, he’s completely submerged in impossibly cold water.

For the next hour or so, Jim Carrey claws at the ice above him, begging you for one last gasp of air. He can’t even find the hole he fell through. He notices his fingers turning blue as he swims toward what he thinks is shore, hoping to find thinner ice. Against all odds, he hears footsteps. Finally, relief! He bangs on the ice and sees the silhouette of a little boy holding his mother’s hand. He hears the boy say, “Mommy? Isn’t that the mean adult man who wants to tear down our children’s playground?” The mother nods and, with a scowl, shoos her child away from him.

Having lost all hope, Jim Carrey makes his peace with you, God. He thinks that his only regret was attempting to level the adjacent playground. As soon as he makes that admission, you shout from the clouds, “good job, you have passed my test,” extend your enormous hand all the way down to earth, break through the ice, and pull Jim Carrey out. This is a great opportunity for you to ad-lib, maybe something like, “Now your new job is to work at the children’s playground, and tear down your former office.”

Yeah, that’s good.


Listen, I know you’re all-knowing, so I’m sure you have better ideas than I do. We’re all rooting for you to teach that bastard a lesson about being a good dad and saving the playground. Whether you decide to make all of his skin fall off, make him magnetic (but only missiles are attracted to him), or trap him in some sort of shrinking metal cage, I think I speak for all humankind when I say that we trust you to punish Jim Carrey in his latest role.

Mortals shudder when Jim Carrey stars in a family comedy, and we pray to you for deliverance.

This Summer, please render unto Jim Carrey thine righteous vengeance, so that he might learn the error of his ways, and so that we might laugh at the ensuing antics. Amen.


Want to improve your writing? Join Second City's online "Writing Satire for the Internet" class. Use code PIC for 10% off.