There’s an epidemic going around: parents think they can name their boys any shitty ambiguously-gendered thing they want just because they made them. Aiden was the most popular boy’s name in 2011. This is a fine name, if you don’t plan on having your child live past the age of 15. When the day comes that I meet a 70-year-old man named Aiden (and it will come), I will pull him close and whisper in his ear "I’m so sorry." If you want to name your son something sexually indiscriminate, how about just cut to the chase and name him Bowie?

In the 50’s there were a total of six names. You were either Jack, John, Paul, Gary, Bob, or Peter. It all started with the hippies, naming most of their kids after some sort of nature-related phenomenon, or substance. Like Rain, or Tree Bark. To be fair, I don’t count hippies as real people. So, I think the most notable perpetrator would have to be Gwyneth Paltrow. Your mom gave you a beautiful name like Gwyneth and you turn around and name your daughter Apple? I guess the Apple does fall far from the tree. (I know because I threw Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter out of a tree.)

The African American community gets a pass in this article because they’ve been giving their kids crazy names for longer than anyone, and more importantly because they frighten me. Just keep in mind, there will probably never be a "President DeAngelo."

I just count myself lucky that I was born before all this started, and didn’t end up with a name like Tyler, or Caleb. In the 50’s there were a total of six names. You were either Jack, John, Paul, Gary, Bob, or Peter. And if any of them ever met a Riley, they probably called him a fag and beat him up. Those were the days. I don’t want to sound like I’m over-romanticizing the Truman Era; their paint had lead in it and people thought cigarettes were good for you. They had very limited imaginations, but when it comes to naming something (like a person), that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

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Take Batman for example. He just put the word "bat" before the main function of all his gadgets. There I go again, working Batman into way too many arguments. But you get the point. Your child is going to have to live with the name you give them for the rest of their lives. Or until they turn 18, and earn enough money turning tricks to legally change it. I think it’s around $300, or 12 quality blowjobs. Otherwise, that shitty name will appear on their headstone. I know that sounds dark, but if Landon has the unfortunate luck of being buried next to Roy, he’s going to be emasculated for all eternity.

I don’t think it’s too late for things to change, and I don’t think you have to choose from the same crop of names to make your first male child a masculine one. For instance, I have a friend named Law. Not a name you hear all the time, but still manly enough to bring to mind a shirtless man wearing bullet belts across his chest. If I mentioned the name of one of your children in this article in a negative way, just know that I don’t mean it personally. Maybe they’ll grow up to be something great despite their handicap. But most likely they’ll grow up to awkwardly bring their boyfriend to Christmas dinner while your parents silently judge.