By contributing writer Andy Gallagher

The other weekend was the Ohio State/Michigan game here at OSU. Many consider this to be the greatest sports rivalry of all time. Most of those people are alumni of Ohio State or Michigan. Since my team ended up with the larger of the two scores, the game was considered a success. But I guess the true success was that in our celebratory joy we didn’t burn our couches and overturn our own cars. (Non-riot data true as of this writing. Delayed rioting is certainly not out of the question.) Yet this nationally televised competition is just the tip of the iceberg for what is truly a week-long extravaganza of rivalry. These are some of the many activities I, as an Ohio State student, was obligated to participate in to attempt to propel my team to victory. Literally. My GPA depended on this.

The Days Prior

There is an actual tradition at my school to express our devotion to our team by jumping in a frigid, three foot deep lake sometime Thursday evening. Let me repeat that for those of you who don’t attend OSU. We actually immerse ourselves in near-zero temperature water, and we believe this will help our team win. Oh, we’re really drunk when we do this. Hundreds of years ago, the Mayans would offer human sacrifice or bloodletting to worship their gods. Boy, were they stupid. I’m proud to be an American.

The businesses surrounding campus also jump in on the event. T-shirt manufacturers are in full force. There’s a whole slew of slanderous memorabilia, across the board of creativity. They range from the tame (“Muck Fichigan”) to the vulgar (“Fuck Michigan”), and all sorts of permutations in between. It’s one of those investments I’m proud to have made, and I’m sure it will stay in my family for generations. Nothing says “I’m a worthwhile father” than mowing the lawn in a shirt that wants to engage in a sexual act with an entire state.


Fuck YOU, Eddie. You never call anymore. I thought we really had something. I guess I was wrong.”

Pre-Game

1) Drink. The only difference is, you are literally pre-gaming.
2) Grill something. Burgers, brats, shoes, anything.
3) Repeat steps 1-2 until you a) pass out or b) end up somehow in your seat at the game with somebody yelling at your to take your hat off for the national anthem.

The Actual Game

Apparently, Columbus has a past littered with alcohol problems. (See riots of 1970, 2000, 2002, etc.) The stadium owners have taken note of this and imposed Prohibition-style rules restricting the sale of alcohol. While you slowly lose your buzz (or bum a Bud Light off that genius next to you who figured out how to sneak beer in), make sure you remember how to spell your institution. (Nearly all Ohio State cheers involve the spelling of O-H-I-O.)

At the end of the game, assuming your team has won, rush the field. This is an absolutely amazing experience for about 9 seconds. The rest of the time spent on the field is attempting to prove to your friends you were actually on the field. Pretty much everyone I saw on the field was calling their friend or taking pictures with their cameras or phones. Don’t overstay your welcome, however, as there are more cops on the field than students and they have itchy, tear gas fingers.

Post-Game

There’s some controversy here (and my opinion is a bit biased considering the longstanding tradition of rioting here at Ohio State), but there are some fascist sports fans out there who believe that a crucial victory (or loss, who cares?) in a barely-above-500 season over a rival team can be celebrated without pillaging, destruction of property, and structure fires. These people are old and stupid and don’t understand our generation. Crank up some Rage Against the Machine, bong those three beers, and maliciously rejoice that the sports team from your area won its contest. College is a time for experimentation, and there’s really no buzz that compares to throwing beer bottles in the face of those who serve and protect. At least I think. I can’t really remember.

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