I am better than you. It’s not your fault. It’s just the truth. I wish it weren’t, really. I wish I wasn’t handsome and wealthy. I wish my genetics weren’t superior to yours in every way. I wish my privileged background hadn’t provided me with an advanced education and global perspective. Honestly, I do. I would love nothing more than to fit in with all of you Cheeto-munching, Milwaukee’s Best-sucking, state school-attending average types, but I can’t. You see, I’m being bred for greatness and you, well, we’re just all hoping that you can afford to buy bread later on in life.

I really wish this wasn’t true but being great is not easy.

Now, some of you who attended quality universities (for example, the founder of PIC, Court Sullivan, went to Emory, which is where many of my friends ended up after being convicted of fraud and denied admittance to the Ivy League) may be wondering exactly why I am better than you. Thankfully for you, there is no limit to the amount of words that cyberspace can hold, so I may provide you with a thorough answer.

I am Better Looking Than You

I stand six foot three inches tall, dress in only the finest clothing and am blond. Furthermore, I have a strong jaw that inspires confidence and many well-sculpted and well-defined muscles which are a direct result of weight training, crew and rugby. If you don’t know what crew or rugby are, feel free to look them up. The fact that you got this far is proof that you know how to use a computer.

I am Better Educated than You

I graduated in the top ten percent of my class at one of the more prestigious preparatory schools in the world (not just America, but the entire hulking planet), was accepted at Harvard but attend Yale because Father went there and tradition is important to me, and in a few months, I will be attending the law school of my choice so that when I finally finish school, I will be better prepared to own and operate my father’s law firm.

I am Wealthier than You

My father’s law firm is worth millions of dollars. My grandfather’s development company is worth billions of dollars. I drive a Lexus to classes and a Ferrari on weekends. Women who know how much money I make actually try to get pregnant by me. Unfortunately for them, Rohypnol and the services of abortion doctors are two other things I can afford.

I am More Socially Adept than You

Years of charity events, country club galas and other various black-tie affairs have provided me with a refined wit and comfortable pattern of speech. My speech does not offend even the most aged and conservative gentlemen, nor does it insult the most passionate and liberal young ladies.

I am, in short, perfect. I eat only the best foods, drink only the best wines, dress in only the nicest clothes and participate in activities and affairs from which you are most certainly excluded. When you add to this the fact that I am incredibly attractive, well educated and wealthy, well, one can only draw one conclusion.

I am better than you.

Like I mentioned earlier, I would love nothing more than to live among you, to be another one of the struggling college students in a world of paupers, fighting to get through some cookie-cutter state school while working some minimum wage McJob and living off Ramen Noodles and Bud Light, but well, I was meant for better things.

After all, I could end up being President of the United States.

And how many of you can really say that?

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