How to Tell If a Girl is Crazy

10 dead giveaways you're dating a psycho.

Young girl with red lipstick and lollipop

Since our readership at Points in Case is mostly 18-24 year old dudes looking to either kill time in between classes, waste time at work, or figure out how to sell drugs, I thought I'd help out my fellow buddies with a guide to tell if a girl is insane or not. It's an important thing if you want a lasting relationship, a fuck buddy, or just need a study date...that you eventually want to bang.

Men, don't fret if you've been burned by a psychotic woman before. I have too. Many many times. Now I am here to guide you, just as Tonto guided the Lone Ranger through the Wild Wild West Hollywood.

While warm-blooded, the female human is actually more reptilian than mammalian, Kemosabe. Missy McBooberton may seems like a fluffy bunny, but in fact, she's a coiled serpent, waiting for some sucker to walk by so she can bite, inject poison, constrict, suck the life out of, and eat whole.

This bipedal female is a slick chameleon. By the age of 13, this creature has mastered disguises, espionage, sabotage, and carrying on very important phone conversations under the bedsheets.

She can also be crocodilian. Her walnut-sized prehistoric brain is incapable of true thought processes and her efficient stomach can keep her hunger at bay for months at a time. But when the bloodthirst hits her, she cares not if she attacks a pretty gazelle, stinky musk ox, or you. Know this: she will take the offensive.

Now let's examine 10 warning signs to help prevent you from falling prey to this unyielding predator. Again.

1. She's Wearing More Than Three Articles of Pink

These bright colors are shiny and pretty, and meant to distract you from the spiny talons she's tactfully hidden from you. Sure you might be able to take her to meet your parents, but you'll also have to do stuff like watch reruns of The OC, listen to her version of gossip, and clean your bathroom bi-weekly. She will tell you one of her professors taught her to "think really deep."

2. She Tells You, "I Only Have Guy Friends"

This is a female in her true form. She's so caustic and evil, not even her own sex can handle being around her, which to her is somewhat enlightening. She's discovered her true sensibility: she truly hates herself, therefore can't be around others like her. Her male companions consist of: A) a few guys who want to try to bang her; B) a pudstain nerd who wants to bang her, but instead offers her an ear for her to her bitch and moan to (he also helps her study); C) a group of dudes who need her to fill a spot on an intramural sports team and can stand her only enough for this purpose. One of these dudes might get overly drunk after a victorious game of broom ball and accidentally bang her. She'll fall in love with him, while he'll transfer to another university.

3. She's Recovering From a Breakup

This particular breed is a "reformed" attack pit bull. She can be sweet and nice, offering home-cooked goods, backrubs and plenty of blowjobs. Then one night you might be brushing your teeth with your left hand instead of right, and her eyes will roll back into her head and she'll bite onto you with the force of 30 metric tons of pressure. "You're cheating on me aren't you?" "You're JUST LIKE HIM!" "You don't want to have any more than six kids do you?"

4. She Cheated On Her Last Boyfriend

Woman reaching for Manolo heel
"Well, this is it. Use it and lose it, I always say."
Men, think about the last time you "needed that new purse you saw even though you're carrying a perfectly good one right now." Has that ever happened? No. It's a woman's nature to be fleeting and fickle with food, fashion and network television reality shows. This demonic fact rings true with their tastes in men as well. You can't expect a woman who pays $255 for a pair of shoes she'll only wear once to remain loyal to you. Contrary to popular belief, women cheat just as much as men. They only hide it better. The walls of the girls' dormitory is filled with giggles of "Hee hee. Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him." But the truth is: the gonorrhea will.

5. She Once Dated a Drug Dealer

Much like the child prostitutes of Dubai, this female's view of "normal" has been completely skewed. Some nights her last boyfriend drove her around in a shiny Ford Mustang with really cool rims. Other nights he was selling heroin to special ed teachers and chopping off toddlers' fingers. This former beau of a crack pusher is used to lavish gifts, the best drugs, exciting car chases, being forced to fellate at gunpoint, and a lifestyle you'll never be able to match. Unless you start dealing drugs to make her happy. She'll tell you she wants you to quit, but she's lying. She wants you to get killed so she can have all your money and your badass iPhone.

6. You Dated Her Before, But She's "Changed"

Life would have you think "three strikes and you're out—with a few foul tips." She told you she matured and knows what she did wrong. You took her back. Idiot! Throughout history women played this sneaky trick on unsuspecting men. You think, "Hmm. Women never lie. Why should she start now?" The sad fact is, my friend, women don't change. Sure, their hairstyles, fashions, body art and pubic hair shapes may change. But mental scars and limited reasoning capacity aren't fixed by a week at the gym and an afternoon at the spa.

7. She Used to Be—Or Is—A Stripper

Have a conversation with an off duty exotic dancer. 'Nuff said.

8. Off the Bat, She Tells You, "I'm Not Crazy"

Pure smokescreen. This is like a fat person telling you, "I'm not hungry." But just as your back is turned to your lard-assed acquaintance, a knife dances through your ribs and the tubby is feasting on your meaty hamstrings. This woman will lure you and swindle her way into your home. Perhaps you will move into the same apartment and you'll think "We're happy." As a surprise for her, you bring a dozen white roses home. Then she puts your puppy in the blender. "I like beige Octavian Carnations and I hate smelling the number 12." Bang. You've been foiled.

9. Off the Bat, She Tells You, "I'm Crazy"

Hey, at least she admits it. Now that she's deliberately shown you her fangs, you can start to think of ways to avoid them. And usually openly disturbed women are the best in the sack. So put on your Kevlar and enjoy!

10. Signs She's Not Crazy

Does your female friend happen to be my mom or my grandma? Then you've scored! Neither are crazy. But don't date them, or I'll fucking kill you.

So now you've learned how to identify a woman who is totally bonkers. Congratulations!

Tune in next week when I show you ways to discover if water is wet.




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Grasshopper's picture

As someone past the 18-24 age group i have one more piece of advice to offer the younglings.
Dont believe women when they say they are satisfied staying a fuck buddy!

Sure they say they're happy with a purely physical relationship and it all seems to be going to your master plan but, my friends, its bull. Women cry a lot, for various and unpredictable reasons, so chances are you will be there one day when your horizontal tango partner breaks down into a pile of teary, high pitched goo. And because you want her to stop and go away, or maybe use this strange lubricant coming from her eyes to more effectively polish your knob, you will come close to her. Then she will latch on to you like a hungry python and not let go until you eventually pass out from suffocation/boredom.
From then on you are her rock, her strength, her man, her captive! Try pushing her out the door after making the beast with two backs, just like the good old days, you cant.
You fool!

What was that we used to say? Oh yeah..."they're all psycho; its just a matter of when and to what degree"....I think that point got across. Good stuff...

YES! All of the above. I have been lured in so many many times. Of course I am now married to a crazy lady . . . but, c'mon. If they're all nuts and you can be friends with your spouse, you are ahead of about 80% of the male population. Thanks, KCdawgmang!

Well said. I agree with every point and warning sign you have brought up. The more difficult list would be the ten ways to lose a crazy chick without her a)stalking you, b)telling every girl you ever talk to again that you have a small penis and suck in bed, c)fucking one of your buddies just to piss you off, or d)cutting your balls off. If you can come up with an answer to this dilemma, I will follow you into hell where we will battle all the crazy bitches for eternity.

this would be funny...if someone who was funny wrote it. seriously dude, i don't know where a lot of guys get the idea that misogyny is pure comedic gold, because it's not. It's actually very easy to write a funny article about women (without being a horrible chauvinist too!), and somehow, you've managed to even fail at that. Do women (and men) of the world a favor and just stop writing, and maybe breathing too.

This article was hilarious, and the author is now one of my heroes. To the reviewer above: you're either a homosexual or a woman in disguise, aren't you?

cheerios's picture

well.....speaking as a raging homo, I found this article rather amusing and judging from some of the stories my girl friends have told me, at least 80% true.

Oh "anonymous," I'm glad you've taken some feminist studies courses at your liberal institution, but once you make your way out into the real world you will come to certain undeniable conclusions. Misogyny exists because women are unintelligent, sociopathic, unreliable, and irrational. If good sense were a dildo, they wouldn't have enough to get themselves off.

Men making fun of women is comedic gold because we are pointing toward one of the arenas in which we are at our most irrational. See, we can point out how stupid and seemingly worthless women are in our set-up, but then our punchline is some variation of "....and yet, after all that, I'm still a slave to the muthafuckin' poonani." We hate women, and deservedly so, but we covet them greatly... therein lies the joke.

hmm, i can tell you will be single for the rest of your life.. you have no respect towards women in general..

1.) your mom must've screwed her father or brother to make you.. b/c you clearly are a retard!

OR

2.) you make fun of women b/c you're ugly and fat as shit and will never get any..

Hey, AnonymousGirl, maybe instead of just throwing insults at the author of this blog, you could stop and think for a second. Women are all nuts. Maybe you can read this and be able to understand men a little better. I don't know anyone who would date a psycho cunt such as yourself.

KC You should definitely not listen to the jackass that wrote the comment above. Anyone with half a brain can tell you're a genius. Personally, I don't think you write enough on here. You should work on that.

Oops I meant the anonymous one. My bad...

I actually I found it funny. Do you know what's sad? I can't decide now if I'm crazy or not. Though I'm a woman, so chances are good that I am. :D Well, at least I could laugh at this article not like some sour anonymous out there. Hey KC, do women and men of the world a favor and don't stop writing. You're awesome.

Dear Susie,

I have to agree with you I too found it funny, I think the ones who don't find it funny are the ones you should worry about ...

But you know I did find something in this artical, that was a bit dissturbing? I was woundering if you too noticed it ??
That is pretty true ;(

Susie,

Unfortunately, you are crazy. It's okay though. You can't very well blame a snake for biting, it's in their nature.

If women are venomous repitles, we are that stupid little field mouse that you always see getting eaten on Animal Planet. Sure, you scream at the TV, "how does he not see that huge snake right there"? but alas, he never does. The ending is always the same.

To the pansy anon: I'm pretty sure you ARE guy number 2B in the above (excellent) article.

Paul's picture

this stands a good chance of getting printed and pasted onto my wall, ceiling, car windshield, and the closest vagina's forehead

So what about the rare case where she cheated on her last boyfriend WITH YOU? Is that double crazy points?

This is Very true, and an exceptional article.

I have much experience with attracting these types of weird type of women with histronic , and narcissistic personality disorders.

many of these are coupled with other disorders you described,

such as.

pathelogical liars, and schizophrenic types.

most of these women are heavily into using drugs, making it worse,

with their attention deficeit disorder.

which is their first give away.

and the way they mimic, what their on the side cheating relationships describe them.
they will say exactly or use what they use on them...
watch out and beware guys!

As a single girl in the 18-24 range, I urge all attractive chaps with any oral skills to ignore Grasshopper! Some girls are just happy being your fuck buddy and die a bit inside when you turn up with a DVD and pizza.

Piss off, that's what I have housemates for. Don't overstay your welcome, don't ask me about my family/work and don't know me well enough to know my middle name!

Drink, screw, go. Job done.

You are the perfect woman.

Another sign.....she has "Crazy Eyes." In other words, her eyes have this intense, unwavering stare as if she's on two bottles of no-doz and an eightball. I've turned down some great looking girls simply because they possessed crazy eyes and while I probably missed out on some mind-blowing sex, I don't have to worry about getting run over by a girl i recently dumped.

10. She's breathing

Most women ARE crazy. What do you expect from a person who lacks honest, fair, and balanced deductive reasoning whilst being raised in a society of infinite parallels and double standards? Quite simply a no brainer.

1. Women aren't smart enough to change it.
2. Men don't want it changed because the more confuzzled the poor bitch is, the easier it is to fuck that sexy blonde with the tight cords, or that incredible brunette on the rebound.

Its not really our nature to pair up in permanent couples as a species. We are here to procreate and die. Since u cant stand the bitch, go find a new one... I believe from personal experience that the patterns of human relationships are perfectly consistent with this point in case.

Whether you consider it evolution, human nature or insanity, it obviously makes little sense to a creature, who believes he is charged with the task of mastering his own destiny. "Shit Happens" and then what? I'll tell you what: Throw a label on it and call it crazy.

And still, If it looks, acts, walks, talks, and smells like a fucking duck... Guess what it is?

And as far as fuckbuddies and marriages go,.. A woman who feels "secure" is inherently more open to transient sex and relationships. Anything that threatens that security is TABOO.

Take Allie from the above comments for example, she doesn't need your pizza and movies, she has individuals who already provide this service to her. She is socially secure. However if all her securities were to say... disappear... That guy she wouldn't be with if he were the last man on earth, suddenly is the last man on earth, and he is also the closest thing she has to regaining her security.

Upon regaining that security, coupled with opertunity and or confidence, everything she MIGHT have thought she felt for him has ridden away with the wind, and washed away with the waves.

So if you truly desire a partner who will be around, you need a partner who is

A. Secure without your presence
B. Willing to try anything/Go anywhere with you
C. Willing to overlook your faults and or inadequacies
D. Willing to compromise and reciprocate
E. Unwilling to treat you in ways you feel you don't deserve
F. Willing to turn your world into a flaming bag of shit if you cannot meet the above standards

Good luck with that. Humans are internally motivated, which mostly means selfish. All feelings are based on varying levels of losses and gains, which are calibrated by past experiences and future expectations. its not enough to do things on the list.. The person must be this list.

If u think the universe you live in won't attack you for having it all, you better think again. All energy has its own internal equilibrium. Universally speaking, this is Einstein's theory of relativity. Globally speaking its this simple: What goes up, must come down. Every opposite has its opposite. So.. All positive energy has negative energy that comes along with it.

If you cant find a way to transfer that negative energy peacefully into a co-existence with surrounding energy... well uh.. he he.. lets just say your house of cards is destined to implode sooner than later.

What does this have to do with ahem "psychotic women"?

For every sane woman, there is an insane man and vice versa, relatively speaking.

Chasing an idea of the perfect partner is trying to prove that water isn't wet. Quid Pro Quo.

You better believe that bitch is crazy! So what are your options?

I read this entry and died laughing. I'm a woman/College Student who unfortunately see's this as 100% true. I am someone who is very independent, and thankfully doesn't possesses one quality off that list. I'm single, and will remain so because of women who proudly possess these qualities, and perpetuate the "all women" are crazy-thing, when in fact, most are and the rest of us suffer because of them.

Believe me this was something I was aware of at the age of 12!!! and realized I better get damn good at - and be happy with life itself...and invest in boyfriends that run on Duracell batteries. So far, so good. Until a guy comes along and realizes I'm one of the good ones (i have no idea how through the obvious cloud of judgment I'll face) i will remain happily single.

Lastly I want to point out that - - or rather ask, WHY YOU GUYS CONTINUE to CHASE GIRLS LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! With many men stating the obvious negative behavior of women like this - the standard answer of "oh, she's hot", or "she can probably fuck" NO LONGER APPLIES!! Like I mentioned before, I am in college, I go full time and I'm living off loans that I'll be paying off until I'm 80, Some girls however are in the sex industry to supplement their lifestyle and pay off their college debt. I don't know how they expect to get a job when they graduate, or be taken seriously, or not expect for their present-day to bite them in their asses later. But it doesn't matter because these vapid whores get whatever they want because of guys just like you; their Heroes in distress, Mr. Prince Charmings for right now, Sugar Daddies, Sex buddies/aka disposable ATMs (Automatic Tran$$$ferable Males) It's so sad. And pathetic. Their are smart, beautiful soulful women (Hell yes, I'm talking about women like me because unlike THOSE women I KNOW WHO I AM) who actually want a man they can BE with, communicate with (NOT talk his ear off - but just BE with, do fun stuff with, travel with) and WE WANT YOU TO BE MEN, real women Like men who are charming:honest, SLUTS like men who are charming:obnoxiously-trying-to-get-in-her-pants-because-she-needs-the-attention. - - see the difference? I can go on but I have an Anatomy and Physiology test to study for. Peace.

Very moving maria, best of luck on your course :)

Well said.
Take care.

I'm a 100% certified crazy bitch. Everything you said in here is SO true. I got pwned after I only have guy friends after realizing I can't stand myself, stripper, drug dealer boyfriend, cheated*dorm room giggles*...on...and..on... but the point is i'm also a belly dancer...
come hither....hsssss...

I genuinely enjoyed this article haha..why are chicks getting offended. We're awsome. Once we have unknowing little males in our clutches, their SCARRED FOREVER. They then turn into thumb sucking, scared of every potential commitment guy.
You see, it's like a disease. It all started with our daddy's walking out on our mommy's....then a vicious cycle began....

god! You sound as much fun as cancer.

the real question is whether or not the so called "normal" woman will realize they have good man that just needs a little help (NOT RENOVATION)to be great.

This article is really disgusting. Where are you from, the 50s?

Crazy Bitches, Good for Fucking, otherwise good for nothing.

I have had my share of crazy bitches...that lie, cheat, put you in jail, and bash your windows if you don't wanna talk to them anymore...not cool! LOL

lmao exactly what happened to me ^