So, you want to learn how to play guitar? Fortunately, you came to the right place. Usually when people approach me asking for lessons it takes anywhere between one to three days before they give up, but I’m sure you will be different. So here we go. It’s always good to start out by asking yourself why you want to suddenly start playing the guitar. Most likely you either A) want to impress girls or B) nothing else. Great!

Now that it’s out in the open, let’s talk about your favorite bands. As much as you love the guitar playing of Jimi Hendrix and the voice of Phil Collins, you can’t let girls know that. From now on your favorite music is: Dave Matthews, Dispatch, the RENT soundtrack, and anything country. Now that you have your alibi down, you can start the actual guitar playing process.

The rock gods were on our side when they decided that such songs as "Collide" by Howie Day and "I’m Yours" by Jason Mraz should use the same chord progressions. Slow down there Slash, you’re not nearly ready enough to pick up a guitar just yet. Remember, a guitar player is only as good as his guitar. That’s why you need a really cheap, shitty guitar. Anything from Target or Best Buy will do the trick. Next, you need to buy some guitar picks. These are what you use to strum the strings. More importantly you can give them to hot girls after you play for them, like a souvenir.

Now that you have the equipment, you need to look the part. When you walk down past all the freshman dorms you need girls to turn and say, "Wow, there’s that one kid with the one guitar on campus!" To achieve this goal you must purchase the one thing that screams musician: plaid shirts. Lots of em’. I’m talking blue vertical lines with black horizontal lines AND vice versa. It is a proven fact that there is a correlation between people who play guitar and people who wear plaid shirts. At this rate you’ll be selling out bar mitzvahs and sweet sixteen parties in no time at all.

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Now that you’ve made it this far, let’s pick up that guitar of yours and learn how to play like a true douche. Luckily, you will never be playing more than one song at a time (always have an excuse ready), so you only need to learn some basic chords. Thankfully, the rock gods were on our side when they decided that such songs as "Collide" by Howie Day and "I’m Yours" by Jason Mraz should use the same chord progressions. When you’ve mastered those songs and combined them into one totally awesome mash-up, you can move on to more advanced, but still douchey songs, such as "Daughters" by John Mayer. This is what is often referred to as a college woman’s musical wet dream.

Congrats! For only the small sacrifice of your dignity, you have reached the last stage of the process. It’s time for you to showcase what you’ve learned for your friends. After all, who doesn’t like a live concert? Be careful though, you’ve come too far to screw it all up now. Breaking out the guitar in a public environment is an art and should be treated as such. First, you want to stage a casual event where multiple people will show up. I recommend a bonfire. Next, text one of your reliable friends to wait ten minutes and then bring up the idea of you getting your guitar to play in front of everyone. Spend a good couple of minutes insisting that you’re not ready before finally giving in to the request. Choose a seat next to a pretty girl and position yourself in a way that the light of the fire emphasizes the few bright spots to your average looks.

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Then have fun because you’re home free. All you have to worry about is the actual guitar part, and come on, we all know that’s the least important part. Once you get that golden instrument in your hands you might hear yourself singing the chorus to your favorite Jonas Brothers song, but the only thing girls will hear is, "I have a guitar blah blah blah sex blah hipster."

And there it is: how to play the guitar as well as you will ever need to in your life. Let’s face it, you may not land a full-time job touring the country, but you will land you a full-time job being awesome, and possibly having sex. So just relax, forget about all the guys giving you death stares, throw on your signature plaid button-down, and play your best song… as long as that song is in the key of douche.

Anything by Maroon 5 is good too.

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