When you decide an individual is worth stalking, you really want to leave a good impression. With the arrival of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and other stalking-made-easy networking sites, the quality of stalking has truly gone down the shitter. For the sake of stalking victims everywhere, I have finally decided to gift the world with the guide to becoming a memorable stalker worthy of your target’s fear and restraining orders.

1. Initiate Distant, Longing Stares

We start out with the classic stalking. For the amateur, this involves following your beloved, generally at least half a block behind her, or parking near her home. But this won’t really let her know how much you care. To step up to the professional level, you’ll need homemade ghillie suits, digital video cameras, and Camelbacks of Red Bull to consume as you wait for her to walk up the steps to her apartment building. I also recommend a colostomy bag to ensure you maintain your post at all times.

2. Rig the "Accidental" Introduction

Through various methods, you’ve memorized her routes, schedules, license plate, mother’s maiden name, and Social Security number; now, after you’ve Low-Jacked her Altima, it’s time to properly introduce yourself. Though breaking and entering is not a bad way to get into her life, I recommend you keep your distance for the first short while. You already used B&E to find out her information, you don’t want her to suspect it was you who ransacked her dorm room. Keep it to chance encounters like bumping into her at 7-11, passing her on the street, showing up at her workplace, or sitting a few seats behind her in class (since you planned your classes so that you two have all the same ones—hey, study groups are a good place to get to know her).

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After a while, try planning a chance to hang out. With your suave moves, you may be able to ask her to a meal or other social function. This requires that you not pass out should she actually acknowledge your existence.

3. Begin the Tentative Courtship

Girl on cell phone with stalker guy behind her
Don’t look now, but your future husband is right behind you…
It’s been a few months now, and she seems to not be completely repulsed by you. Or maybe she is, but hey, she’ll come around. Anyway, it’s time to start the ancient art of courtship. I find that gifts like her own cat a week and a half after it "ran away" are excellent at winning her affection, as well as much needed practice for your lock picking skills. Present the cat to her at her home after you talk in class about how you found it on the street.

Sending her "sweet nothings" also works well. Try poetry written in squirrel blood; it shows both your artistic side and your devotion to her, since you were willing to murder small rodents in her name.

Do not, under any circumstances, mix these two gifts together. Haikus written in her own cat’s blood are extremely counterproductive, and may result in PETA protests and indictments.

4. Lock Up the Deal

By now, you’ve either sparked her interest or been barred from going within 200 feet of her home, work, or person. I must note that restraining orders are just her way of testing your love; only through persistence will she come to believe that you meant all those beautiful LiveJournal posts and mammal-fluid poetry you wrote for her.

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At this point, your relationship will end one of two ways: time in the state penitentiary or a beautiful marriage. The former leads us nowhere, so we’ll assume the latter. She has fallen for your social awkwardness, constant presence, and eerily unwavering devotion. You have endeared her to your silent brooding, and trained her to accept the 48 pictures you take of her daily and post online. From here, it’s all on you to not scare her off with gratuitous cuddling, jealous rage, or paranoid inquisitions.

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