Five Ways to Beat the Excruciating Summer Heat

Sunspots on the sun

Summer will be over in a couple of months. And not a moment too soon. It feels like Earth has a GPS system, and someone programmed its destination to be the center of the sun. Let's do some recalculating!

I bet Al Gore didn't grope that masseuse, but rather grabbed her in a "See? I told you so!" fashion. Whether man is responsible or not, this summer was hotter than any other. When Mr. Gore mentioned a "happy ending," I'm sure he was just talking about autumn.

I recently saw The Karate Kid remake simply to sit in air conditioning for what felt like 7 hours. I'm not exactly the "greenest" citizen in the country, but I do my part. Sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth, though. I tried to save energy once by shutting off the AC in my apartment for a day. After 30 minutes, I had lost twenty pounds and I looked like a Nick Nolte mugshot. So I happily welcomed back the CFCs.

New York City, where I live, has been especially unbearable. It's been scientifically proven that the two things that trap heat the most are pavement and homeless people. So the Big Apple is cooked. And no wonder why the Mets suck this year. What's the coolest place in the house? The cellar. So it makes sense why they want to get there fast. God speed, Mets. God speed.

Redhead boy about to disappear
The ghost of sunbaked past has a habit of haunting people who eat ginger with their sushi.
In my neighborhood last week, I saw a redhead boy walk out from the shade and explode in thin air.* You probably didn't hear that story in the mainstream media, because if the media liked redheads, Conan would have a show and Ronald McDonald would have a better supporting cast. But it's true. Redhead kid...BOOM! It was very sad, but I'll say this...a shower of freckles looks like confetti, and that's super awesome. I ran through it and pretended I just won the World Series.

So how do we deal with it? Go to the beach and have a tar ball fight? Make some tar angels only to get up looking like a Louisiana pelican or Snooki in a hot tub? Beaches actually aren't a good choice, in my opinion. Laying out in the sun may be popular and fun for a while, but at some point you'll regret subjecting yourself. Think of it as Justin Bieber music or a night with Ben Roethlisberger.

Besides, beaches are scary. I find it ironic that visitor bureaus in the South are begging tourists to come back to the beaches...and then the Discovery Channel airs "Shark Week." It's like Iowa asking you to visit and then hearing AMC is having a "Children of the Corn" night. Or if someone asks you to a Rihanna concert and TBS puts on a Rocky marathon. Bad timing, Discovery. Let's show some class.

So...since I care for your well-being, I have compiled five tips on how to beat this excruciating heat.

1. Flip off the sun, but only after getting Lindsay Lohan to paint "FU" on your fingernails.

This won't help you beat the heat, but your misery may be reduced from 90 days to 14.

2. When at an airport, tell security you have a bomb in your pants...just to have an excuse to take your clothes off for ten minutes.

You may be asking, "But Keith, won't they charge me with lying to authorities?" Not if you put an M. Night Shyamalan movie in your drawers.

3. Eat ice cream.

Simple enough, but go hardcore if you can. A dessert vendor in Omaha sells what they call the "Brain Freeze." The "Permanent Brain Freeze" is also called the "Mel Gibson Special," but it's only served with vanilla.

4. Go to a grocery store's freezer section and just stand there with the doors open.

When a manager approaches, claim your last name is Favre and indecisiveness runs in the family. He should respect that.

5. Go to a movie theater, where it's always very chilly.

It's no wonder fans of the Twilight saga are so pale. They spend hours in theaters debating between Team Depression or Team Ab Flex; they don't realize they're slowly freezing. And all this time I thought they were just weird, blue-lip goth kids who'd rather play sports than eat dinner with their parents. Silly me.

Movies are a great place to go to escape the heat. I recently saw The Karate Kid remake simply to sit in air conditioning for what felt like 7 hours. It was way too long but decent. I heard it's a lot like Sex and the City, only with a lot less waxing on and waxing off. So I recommend it.

I hope those help. If they do, make sure to tell me so I can grab you Al Gore style and say, "See? I told you so!!"

*No redheads were harmed in the making of this article.




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Andrei Trostel's picture

Funny stuff Keith.
Oh and not for nothing, but your Jeopardy bit on Letterman still tops one of the best ideas I have heard in a while.
;)

Gavin Pitt's picture

Awesome stuff, large with the funny.

And for the record, Summer isn't here yet where I am- Still Winter here. Although due to the Paris-sized hole in the Ozone layer that opens up over here every Summer (thanks ever so much, Northern Hemisphere polluters!) we will be spending it huddled indoors lest the ferocious heat ignites us spontaneously like a whole nation of ginger kids. We'd go to our numerous beaches, but here in Oz, *every* week is Shark Week....

Evelyn Liu's picture

Monsoon here. Trade your sun for this rain.

Casey Freeman's picture

Seoul is just as every bit as hot as NYC, but there isn't the NYC smell, which makes up for it. I'm guessing I've lost about fifteen pounds from the heat. My way to beat the heat? Show up to work an hour early just for the AC. I may not get paid for it, but at least I won't be late or all sweaty when the kids show up.