Translating Mel Gibson's Rant
I'll tell you this right now, I wouldn't invite Mel Gibson to a Jay-Z concert but I wouldn't delete his number from my phone either. If you are new to Planet Earth than let me tell you briefly about Mel Gibson.
Mel Gibson is a film actor originally from Australia. I think it's worth noting that Australia was a former penal colony, just ask Points in Case writer Gavin Pitt. He was banished from the Empire of Great Britain for being too gay, so you can only imagine how gay you have to be for that.
Mel Gibson spent his career immersing himself in roles in which he played homicidal sociopaths. Ironically enough, he is actually a homicidal sociopath. Who'd of thunk it.
Now he may be a lunatic, but I submit to you that he may not be as crazy as you might think at first glance. I'm sure you've all heard the now infamous Mel Gibson rant, with the volume down, huddled around your work computer with shocked and amused co-workers. But now let's all take a deep breath, and really look at what was said.
"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."
I can understand how this statement may seem...well, compelling. But if she's in heat than she will undoubtedly get sniffed out and attacked in front of Mann's Chinese Theater. It happens all the time and Mel is just looking out. I can't tell you how many times I dine with women and ask them, "Excuse me, are you in heat? If so, I'll spring for a cab instead of the subway." It's what a gentleman does, people. Moreover, in Mel's defense, in Australia "n***ers" do hunt in packs.
"I need a woman, not a f------ little girl with a f----- dysfunctional c---. I need a f------ woman. I don't need medication. You need a f------ bat to the side of the head. All right? How about that? You need a f------ doctor. You need a f------ brain transplant. You need a f------ ... you need a f------ soul."
"Please, bitch, can't we just work this out? What happened to the good 'ol days, just you, me and your slut of a cunt?"Besides being the refrain for the most underrated Boys II Men song ever, this statement, in my eyes at least, is just saying, "Excuse me sweetie, you have a dysfunctional vagina and you should get a new brain. Hey, because I love you, I'll try to fix your old brain with this baseball bat. Also, you should get a fucking soul. I made lasagna for dinner. I love you!"
"I'm threatening you? I'll put you in a f------ rose garden, you c---. You understand that? Because I'm capable of it. You understand that? Get a f------ restraining order. For what? What are you gonna get a restraining order for? For me being drunk and disorderly? For hitting you? For what?"
Now this one bothered a lot of people. Which would be understandable...since you are unfamiliar with Australian culture (again, refer to Gavin). What he's really saying is this: "Let's go to a rose garden, you cunt!" In Australia, "cunt" means "pretty lady." "I am completely capable of taking you to smell flowers because I'm a generous artist and I love you, cunt!"
But seriously, Danny Glover has gotten more phone calls in the past week than he has in the past ten years, so there is a silver lining.