Translating Mel Gibson's Rant

I'll tell you this right now, I wouldn't invite Mel Gibson to a Jay-Z concert but I wouldn't delete his number from my phone either. If you are new to Planet Earth than let me tell you briefly about Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson is a film actor originally from Australia. I think it's worth noting that Australia was a former penal colony, just ask Points in Case writer Gavin Pitt. He was banished from the Empire of Great Britain for being too gay, so you can only imagine how gay you have to be for that.

Mel Gibson spent his career immersing himself in roles in which he played homicidal sociopaths. Ironically enough, he is actually a homicidal sociopath. Who'd of thunk it.

Now he may be a lunatic, but I submit to you that he may not be as crazy as you might think at first glance. I'm sure you've all heard the now infamous Mel Gibson rant, with the volume down, huddled around your work computer with shocked and amused co-workers. But now let's all take a deep breath, and really look at what was said.

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

I can understand how this statement may seem...well, compelling. But if she's in heat than she will undoubtedly get sniffed out and attacked in front of Mann's Chinese Theater. It happens all the time and Mel is just looking out. I can't tell you how many times I dine with women and ask them, "Excuse me, are you in heat? If so, I'll spring for a cab instead of the subway." It's what a gentleman does, people. Moreover, in Mel's defense, in Australia "n***ers" do hunt in packs.

"I need a woman, not a f------ little girl with a f----- dysfunctional c---. I need a f------ woman. I don't need medication. You need a f------ bat to the side of the head. All right? How about that? You need a f------ doctor. You need a f------ brain transplant. You need a f------ ... you need a f------ soul."

Mel Gibson talking to Oksana Grigoriev
"Please, bitch, can't we just work this out? What happened to the good 'ol days, just you, me and your slut of a cunt?"
Besides being the refrain for the most underrated Boys II Men song ever, this statement, in my eyes at least, is just saying, "Excuse me sweetie, you have a dysfunctional vagina and you should get a new brain. Hey, because I love you, I'll try to fix your old brain with this baseball bat. Also, you should get a fucking soul. I made lasagna for dinner. I love you!"

"I'm threatening you? I'll put you in a f------ rose garden, you c---. You understand that? Because I'm capable of it. You understand that? Get a f------ restraining order. For what? What are you gonna get a restraining order for? For me being drunk and disorderly? For hitting you? For what?"

Now this one bothered a lot of people. Which would be understandable...since you are unfamiliar with Australian culture (again, refer to Gavin). What he's really saying is this: "Let's go to a rose garden, you cunt!" In Australia, "cunt" means "pretty lady." "I am completely capable of taking you to smell flowers because I'm a generous artist and I love you, cunt!"

But seriously, Danny Glover has gotten more phone calls in the past week than he has in the past ten years, so there is a silver lining.

C'mon, one more:

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Nice. It's good to see somebody finally come to Jesus' aid. This is really about the passion of Mel Gibson who is un-rightfully being prosecuted by an immoral society.

Clearly people need to get back to church. So they can learn a couple things. Hyphenating words that are inappropriate, in particular, is a lost art form; G-d knows it.

Plus, turning the other cheek is a concept that was supposed to only apply to women.

[commentator's notes: I'm not serious. I believe the opposite.]

What a dick!

In Australia "dick" means honorable gentleman.

I'm sure your too-gay-for-England-but-not-Australia friend Gavin can back me up on that!

Mel Gibson is from New Jersey. He moved to Australia from there.

I cannot believe the GF wants to get a restraining order for Mel G. after all the sweet things he proposes to do for her in the name of love. I mean, one thing is to say "baby, your brain doesn't work, go get help," and another is "baby, your brain doesn't work, let me help you with that." Mel G. does the later; he cares so much for his honey that he has decided to help personally her in this predicament, instead of submitting her to external help which, Jim-Caviezel-as-Jesus-Christ-The-All-Mighty-and-Monica-Bellucci-as-Mary-Magdalene forbids, may do her more harm than good. And obviously Mel G. has the know-how and the tool to perform this procedure accurately and effectively.

Also, and a bit of topic: how do you pronounce "f------"? Is that an "F" followed by a sequence of clicking or fricative sounds? If so, are the fricatives of the same tone? Different tones perhaps? Does Mel G. speak "dolphin"? Holy crappers! Why would anyone file a restraining order on someone who can speak "dolphin"? One needs to keep a manly man like that close to you in case of an emergency.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny stuff dude.

I was actually not born in England, but right here. My first grade teacher *was* born in England, and I'm afraid I assimilated her accent, so that now I sound like a bizarre hybrid of Crocodile Dundee and Stephen Fry.

Mel Gibson was officially born in America and moved here when he was young- therefore, we have a convenient "Out" to claim we're not responsible for him (See also Russell Crowe and New Zealand, whenever Russ attempts to sing). To "chuck a Mel" is an Australian term for an old, angry person to yell at young people (especially Gay, Black, Jewish young people) to get off his lawn.

Cunt does refer to lady in Oz, although "Sheila" is more acceptable for a pretty one. If you're actually talking about the female genitalia, we use "Fanny". You Yanks must learn to never, ever ask anyone here for a "Fanny Pack" unless you want a black eye (usually preceded by the genial Australian greeting, "I'll fucken do yers, yer smart-arsed Yank arsehole!")

Bill Dixon's picture

yeah he's from the U.S. now but bet your fanny that when Brave Heart came out, you sonsabitches were singin a different tune

Gordon Dryfus's picture

It's good to know the Australian equivalent of pussy. Using Fanny will yield all sorts of unseen Australian porn. Exciting.

We also have a different meaning for the word 'root'.

The phrase 'rooting for the Yankees' will always bring a smile to the Aussie face.